The “T” of Me II — Therapy

An Example of a Core Belief as Obstacle

As mentioned in “The “T” of Me I,” we all have core beliefs that can either serve us well in our lives as we navigate trying to accomplish what we want to accomplish and living the lives we want to live — or not. As we come to experience our lives not turning out to be what we envisioned when we were children (or adults), we might wonder why.

There are two factors that interfere with our realizing our expectations and goals: one would be external events outside our control. Accidents, wars, illnesses, obstacles that have been unforeseen and outside our control and need to be dealt with. The other factor that interferes can be, and often is, our own “come froms,” our core beliefs that we don’t even know we have. Until we do.

When I offered as a metaphor of a “core belief,” in “The “T” of Me I,” the example I used was of a metronome that I heard ticking away in 4/4 time (my “come from”) and found I was able to shift my perception slightly and hear the “ticks” in 3/4 time or 2/4 time or any rhythm I chose. Becoming aware of my automatic “come from” allowed me to have more options: once I could see that what came automatically to me was my doing, I was able to entertain the notion that it might not be the only way to experience these neutral and equal “ticks.”

I would like to show how one of my core beliefs got in my way and almost prevented me from getting something for which I’d worked hard, for which I had spent many years preparing, for which I was ready.

In the course of my own psychotherapy I’d become aware that I had a good deal of what is sometimes referred to as “survivor guilt.” Survivor guilt is a term that was used for soldiers who had been in battle, survived, and came home but felt a sometimes crippling guilt for having lived when some of their comrades had not. “Survivor guilt” can be used in many other instances, however: when one wins a prize and one’s friend doesn’t, when one accomplishes lofty goals and others who are important in one’s life don’t, when one does better than one’s parents or siblings.

My own “survivor guilt” had to do with neither of my parents having college degrees, my sister being diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic, my being happily married and mother of two daughters when none of my siblings had managed the same. In graduate school, my “unconscious” guilt would show up at times when I would make mistakes in coursework, be late with a paper, forget an assignment . . . things over which I ostensibly had control but my behavior was holding me back from what I was trying hard to accomplish. I knew that I had to be aware of my tendency to get in my own way, prevent myself from having what I consciously wanted and had worked so hard for.

At the end of coursework in psychology, we have internships to do before we can “sit” for a licensing exam. These internships can be in private practice seeing individuals, children, or couples in psychotherapy, working at an agency that might deal with the homeless or people with dual diagnoses (substance abuse plus mental illness), or even working in residential treatment centers for adolescents or people in recovery. In California we need 3000 internship hours, often unpaid. Then we are allowed to take the exams, written and oral at the time I took them (this was some years ago; the orals have been eliminated since). Much studying was required before sitting for the exams even though we all had at least Masters’ degrees and had finished our coursework. The exams were usually held in hotels, and we were required to bring our picture ID, pen or pencil, glasses (if we needed them). Anxiety was usually very high.

Came the day of the written exam. My husband, a psychologist, was accompanying me for support. I got in the car and started driving. After a few minutes, I realized that I was driving on the freeway in the wrong direction! The hotel where the exam was being given was south of where I lived, and I was driving north! Horrified, I managed to get on the freeway going South and arrived at the hotel where the exam was being given. I got out of the car, looked in my purse, and oh-oh! I didn’t have my wallet (with picture ID! Not enough time to drive the hour or so home to get it! My husband said he’d vouch that I was who I said I was, and we’d hope that would be good enough. Also not in my purse: pen or pencil.

Even though I had become aware of my survivor guilt “come from” and had struggled with it and fought it, it still was controlling my behavior to a certain extent. I was furious! Determined that it would not keep me from what I intended to accomplish.

Well, the gatekeepers took my husband’s word for it that I was me, and let me take the exam, which I passed, allowing me to be ready for the next step: the oral exam!

By the time I was to take the oral exams, I and many of my fellow interns and colleagues were nervous wrecks. The fail rate for the orals was quite high, and we knew that the 3 examiners had some leeway in how they scored us. A group of us was going up in the elevator to the rooms where we would sit in front of a table behind which were three examiners, each of us wearing an “Oral” written on our name tags. A gentleman in the elevator saw the group of us with these name tags, and asked us if we were part of a dental convention! We all laughed hysterically after which he probably thought we were demented rather than dentists.

I am happy to say that this particular core belief, this “come from” of mine, rarely shows up anymore. Without the therapy I’ve had I probably would be going through life holding myself back, and not knowing why. I could blame “them” or “fate” or “bad luck,” and chalk it up to a little black cloud that follows me around.

But as soon as I know my part in it, know that I have agency in what is going on, I can change it. Being able to differentiate extenuating circumstances from core (but pathogenic) beliefs, I can shape my life to a great extent. And I can go from being “done to” to being the one “doing.”

The “Serenity Prayer” used by AA and originally by the theologian Reinhold Niebuhr is a useful reminder that we do have agency: we just have to recognize it.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage the change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference.”

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