The Symbolism of a Knee Injury
When I injured my knee over a year ago, it really made me pause and realize how much I took the ability to walk for granted. I could not walk for months without crutches or a brace after tearing two ligaments and the meniscus in my knee. I slipped on some leaves/mud while I was hiking, and essentially did the sidewards splits across the side of the hill. And that was it…one small misstep changed the entire last year+ of my life.
Several spiritually-sensitive friends told me that having a knee injury is symbolic of not being able to move forward and that I should reflect on what is blocking me. When I did an online search, I found all types of things backing their theory up, ranging from refusing to give in, fear, unresolved stress, conflict, and frustration over not being able to physically do something I used to be able to. It does make sense. . . when this injury occurred, I was still stuck at my old toxic job, and I felt trapped, angry, and stressed out that I didn’t find another job yet, and I was super frustrated that I could barely walk.
Not being able to walk was infuriating, humbling, and refreshing all at the same time. It reminded me to be grateful for having two functional legs and just being able to walk. I was also thankful that it was my left knee, therefore I could still drive and get to where I needed to be, if I absolutely need to (although the doctor told me not to drive). Around the same time, a neighborhood friend broke her right ankle, and could not drive at all. Plus, she needed surgery and pins — far worse than “just” the three tears within my knee. We were injurees together and compared stories along the way. I had lots of physical therapy but thankfully no surgery (but that’s still up in the air).
I had a ton of time to think about life since I was forced to slow down. Having this injury was a blessing to temporarily take me away from all the drama of my toxic workplace. Well, sort of. . . my boss allowed me to telework, and the main problem child at work did not like that and attempted to call me in off my doctor’s note a few times (with my boss’ approval), sigh. I should have ignored them— long story short, I tore it a SECOND TIME two weeks later, and a THIRD TIME about a month after that. After tearing my knee three times in a row, I was done and beyond livid.
I told them that I would be adhering to my doctor’s recommendations and staying home, so I do not completely obliterate my knee. It wasn’t worth the sacrifice, especially for them. That was the infuriating part…I could barely walk, and they told me it was ‘just your knee’ and that I needed to physically come into work (even though I could accomplish everything via telework). Of course, that was pre-COVID, and they are now all teleworking with no qualms. Anyway…
Besides being mad almost all the time from the pain, and being harassed at work for this stupid injury, having to get groceries would be at least a two-hour ordeal. Just looking at the door to the store from the car was dreadful. I would get anxious thinking about how long it would take me to just hobble to that door. Then having to get down those store aisles somehow with the crutches gave me so much anxiety. I would drag my husband or daughter with me so they could push the cart, and I would just have to navigate myself through the store. These were just smaller neighborhood stores too, forget about going to a Costco or Sam’s Club!
Next, traveling . . . I was that person in a wheelchair. I’ve never been in a wheelchair before, but my physical therapist said it was necessary to do this so I wouldn’t have to walk across those airports on my weak knee. I had to travel at least three times, between work requirements and a wedding, each time swallowing my pride and taking the wheelchair option to traverse the airports. I looked at the other people in the chairs and felt guilty that I was using one that someone else might need. Most were elderly folks that could barely move. I was essentially in the same boat as them since I could barely walk too. I received stares from just about everyone because of my younger age, and they would look down at my leg and see the massive stability brace strapped to it. There was nothing I could do but deal with it.
It’s been a little over a year since this injury has occurred, and it made this past year rough. I’m a runner, that cannot run. I have gained so much weight since I have not been able to run or barely walk in the last year. And, apparently, I’m getting so fat that one of my neighbors thought I was pregnant! That was the first time in my life that someone falsely thought I was pregnant, and it was very humiliating. It made me want to work out more, but there’s not much I can do.
The lesson learned here is to be thankful for what you have. Not everybody even has legs, there are people who may have had their legs (or arms) blown off in combat. I am thankful that I can at least walk somewhat normally and have two functional legs. Although my knee still hurts significantly today, I think back to a year ago when I was almost completely dependent on my husband and daughter to be my legs, and I know I’m in a better place now. And, as you may have read in a previous post, I found a new great job and I have been moving forward now, no blocks! It can only go up from here.
