The Surprising Reason Why Older Single Men Don’t Find Older Single Women Desirable

They love women to be caregivers, just not later in life

Two of my 60-something friends became grandmothers for the first time last year. They’re both smart, accomplished, beautiful, vivacious, active, funny, kind, financially independent single women, but only one is datable, or so a new study says.

One works full time but lives on the opposite coast from her granddaughter and can only visit about twice a year, and the other is comfortably retired and lives 25 minutes away from her grandson, whom she watches twice a week so the parents can work.

Guess who’s seen as more desirable by men around their age?

The one who lives far away from her grandchild.

Can you guess why?

Because she lives far away from her grandchild.

A new study by social scientist Lauren E. Harris, “Older adults on the dating market: The role of family caregiving responsibilities,” looks at single men and women aged 60 to 83 to see how family caregiving responsibilities impacts a person’s desirability to someone of the opposite sex. The results are fascinating.

The men often found single women in their age group to be less desirable if they were heavily involved in caregiving adult children or grandchildren. The single women, however, found men in their age group who were close with their families to be more desirable, perceiving their carework “as a sign of good character and family orientation.”

Some men thought women prioritized their grandchildren over romantic relationships, and that prevented many from even wanting to pursue a relationship with grandmothers.

In the study, one 65-year-old man who was interested in dating a woman he works with lamented:

“she’s another one of these women who is so involved with their children and grandchildren. I don’t understand that. … That’s how you’re gonna find happiness? Being very instrumental in being grandmom?”

Another man, 69, was quoted as being disappointed because some women were unwilling to relocate for love because they looked after their grandchildren a few times a week. One wonders why he didn’t want to relocate for love, but I don’t think the study asked.

Men also didn’t want to date a woman who still had adult children in the house, believing it prevented overnight dates (aka sex).

One 62-year-old man in the study complained when his girlfriend’s daughter moved into her house:

“We couldn’t go over there, and we couldn’t come over here [because my daughter lived with me].”

You’ll note that he also had a daughter living with him, but evidently it was only his girlfriend’s daughter who was the problem. But as the study observes, single men weren’t penalized if their children lived with them but single women were penalized even when their children didn’t live with them.

Some men also didn’t like the idea that they might not be the woman’s top priority and so looked for a romantic partner who “would put them first and stop mothering their grown children.”

Except for a few outliers, the women had entirely different thoughts. They looked for cues in men’s dating profiles — things like saying they loved their children or they were family-oriented or if they posted photos of their grandkids — because it made the men seem stable and committed. As Harris notes,

“across age, race, education, and marital and parenthood status, women viewed a man’s family values as a positive character trait and something they had in common, not a signal that women would be less of a priority.”

They weren’t worried about not being first in a man’s life, but they sure were worried about one thing — caregiving the men. Especially if they already had caregiving responsibilities, Harris discovered:

“Older single women were quite aware of the ways men may require their time, attention, and care. Though they were looking for romantic relationships and companions, women prioritized performing less carework over a relationship that required carework like raising a man’s children or nursing him through decline.”

Single older women, especially if they’re divorced or widowed, often relish their independence, and few are willing to give that up. As I wrote previously,

“older women desire companionship and sex, but many of us are not willing to compromise on losing our sense of self and freedom to have that. In fact, studies show that many are “willing to be lonely before sacrificing independence,” which is why we are more likely to be looking for a short-term relationship or a companion, not a husband.”

What the study illuminates is that men generally prefer a woman to be the main caregiver once she becomes a mom, but they don’t like it when a mom continues to caregive later in life even though a majority of women still have caregiving responsibilities into their 60s and often beyond.

Unless, of course, the women are going to caregive them. That kind of caregiving is just fine.

So, what does it all mean?

Harris says clearly older single men and women are at an impasse.

“men are seeking women who prioritize their relationship over their family responsibilities and women are cautious of men who require this. Historically, men provided financial support in a relationship, but with older women deprioritizing this as a quality in a partner, men will have to bolster their attractiveness with other qualities, like supporting a woman’s independence and not adding to her carework. … With women unwilling to give up their necessary or rewarding carework and enjoying their independence, men may be unable to find their preferred partner.”

The upshot is that more older singles may stay single as they age — although, she observes, that wouldn’t bother the women nearly as much as the men.

I’ll bet you can guess why.

I’ve written a book on changing the narrative about aging as a woman, “Not Too Old For That: How Women Are Changing the Story of Aging” (April 2022), named a best book of 2022 by Take the Lead. Order it here and follow me on Medium, Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. If you want to support my work and have unlimited access to my writing and the writing of all Medium writers, please become a member here. And if you’re interested in individualizing your marriage, please check out the book I co-authored, The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels. You can support your local indie bookstore (please do) or order it on Amazon. We’re also on Audible.