The Surprising Reason It’s So Hard to Make Friends When We’re Older

And why we should keep trying.

When my first child was born, I was desperate for friends. My husband traveled most of the time and my days were consumed by diapers, laundry and bottles. Hungering for adult companionship, I figured I had two alternatives. I could remain isolated and depressed with a demanding infant, or I could plunge into different activities that would bring me into contact with other people.

I chose the friendship alternative and joined a “play group.” Mothers got together while our children napped, cried, or played. But the important thing wasn’t what our children were doing. It was what we were doing. We were interacting with grownups.

Fast forward a few years and the kids reached school age. Socializing got easier when we didn’t need babysitters anymore, and when the kids grew up there was even more time for friends.

Life was busy. We attended work-related social events, tennis team get-togethers and dinner with other couples. My husband and I joined a dinner club that met once a month and we made additional friends.

No time for family and friends

But time passed, I retired, my husband pulled a muscle playing tennis, and everybody started having grandchildren. Before we knew it, our social life had tanked. There were no more work-related events or tennis parties. Our dinner club dissolved because members either retired and moved away, traveled, or spent their spare time babysitting.

I knew I needed to make a more concerted effort to be social, but it wasn’t easy. The friends who weren’t traveling were spending most of their spare time with their grandkids.

I have 12 grandchildren and I love them. I want to be a good grandparent. But my whole life isn’t wrapped up in talking about them, posting Facebook pictures of them, and babysitting for them.

I started wondering if something was wrong with me because I didn’t relish spending all my time with the grandchildren. I liked having them over, but I also liked time with other adults.

“The grandkids spend every weekend with us. We love it! And we’re expecting another one soon,” one friend enthused. Another friend backed out of a cruise because she didn’t want to be away from her grandchild.

When my husband and I invited our neighbors for dinner, they said, “We can’t come on a weekend. That’s grandma and grandpa time!”

I began to wonder if all our friends had given up on socializing with other adults.

Elderly parents also entered the picture. One friend who used to meet me for lunch started taking her 90-year-old mother to doctor’s appointments three or four times a week. She no longer had time for lunch dates. When we tried to arrange them, her mother always experienced some emergency that caused her to cancel.

I understood where my friend was coming from. I’m going through a similar experience. My mother moved in with me a couple of months ago, and she can’t be left alone for more than an hour or two. I’ll need to hire a caregiver or recruit a willing relative if I want to meet friends for lunch or go out at night.

I had expected young children to dampen our social life, but I was surprised to discover the Number One reason for losing friends when we got older was family.

Freedom and friends

One of my friends said, “You’re never really as free as you think you’re going to be. When you’re finally able to retire, you either get sick or you don’t have enough money to travel or you end up babysitting your grandkids because their parents got divorced and they need your help.”

I was beginning to see what she meant. I always envisioned this elusive freedom sometime out in the future, when I would be able to do whatever I wanted. But life is full of unexpected interruptions. Just when we settle into a comfortable groove, something else comes along and jolts us out of our groove.

The only predictable thing about life is its unpredictability. That’s why I believe we need to enjoy every day. We don’t know what tomorrow is going to bring. But part of enjoying every day, for me, is social interaction.

Friends are good for our health

Social interaction is also good for our health. According to Psychology Today, people who are socially engaged enjoy better mental and physical health.

Interacting with others boosts our feelings of well-being and decreases depression. Older adults who are socially active handle stress better, have greater self-esteem and a better quality of life.

Numerous studies show that social interaction benefits us at any age. Whether we’re young, old, or somewhere in the middle, friends increase our sense of belonging, improve our self-worth, help us cope with life’s traumas, and expand our horizons.

Retirement, grandchildren and taking care of my elderly mother brought me to a crossroads. Many of my former friends had gone through their own life transitions and were no longer as readily available.

This change in friendship dynamics isn’t as unusual as we might think. A study released by Gerald Mollenhorst, an assistant professor at Utrecht University in the Netherlands, shows that we replace about half our friends every seven years. It isn’t intentional. It happens when people move through different life stages.

With many of my friends no longer available, I realized I could stay within my comfort zone and settle for the steady, day-to-day responsibilities and pastimes that keep me occupied. Or I could branch out and seek new friends.

Making more friends

Being an introvert, my natural tendency is to stay within my comfort zone. It’s a lot easier to sit at my computer and write, take care of my mother, and have the grandkids over from time to time.

But as much as I love my grandchildren and my mother, I want more. I want relationships that stretch my horizons and friends who view me as someone worth knowing. I want to learn from them, and I want them to appreciate our laughter and shared experiences.

Making new friends means stretching beyond my comfort zone and trying new activities. I signed up for a pickleball clinic (the Baby Boomer alternative to tennis) and joined a Zumba class. I also agreed to volunteer at a charity fundraiser and serve on a committee in our church.

But engaging in activities that bring us into contact with other people is only a first step. We need to be interested in others and vulnerable enough to share something of ourselves. We might have to take the initiative if we want to turn acquaintances into friends. This means asking for somebody’s phone number, then actually picking up the phone and calling them.

Friendships are more work than they used to be. I need to find caregivers for my mother. I have to look harder for people who have the time, health and desire to engage in activities that take them beyond their homes and families.

But it’s worth it. According to research in the journal Personal Relationships, having supportive friendships in old age was found to be a stronger predictor of wellbeing than having strong family connections.

So I’m going to get out of my comfort zone and expand my horizons. Grandchildren are great, and I’m pleased and privileged to take care of my mother. But elderly parents and grandchildren don’t fill my need for friends. It takes all kinds of relationships to bring out the best in us and enable us to give our best to others. As C.S. Lewis said:

“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art…. It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”