The Surprising Intimacy of a Threesome

It was everything I hoped for and nothing I expected

Multi-partner sex is one of the seven most common sex fantasies, number one actually, of men and women, according to an article by Dr. Justin Lehmiller on his Sex & Psychology blog. So why is it happening so seldom? Maybe it isn't seldom at all, but no one is sexing and telling.

Multi-partner sex is taboo, and I get it. There isn’t much to choose from in the threesome romance genre because we assume there’s no romance in multi-partner sex. It’s just kink or fetish. Adding one more naked body into your bedroom with you and your partner does not take your sexual experience from mundane straight to Pornhub. Multi-partner sex doesn’t have to mean kink, not inherently, at least. Whatever fetishes you all indulge in while taking part in an amazing, consensual experience is your business.

Have you ever had an experience that you just knew would occur one way but ended up unfolding in such a way that you can’t believe you almost didn’t have it? An experience in which your expectations were totally shattered, and you found something you didn’t even know you were missing?

I did.

It began as one thing

Iwas meeting with a guy I met online, Patrick, who happened to live and work not far from my home. We didn’t meet on eHarmony or Match; we met on a website that facilitates hookups between like-minded people. We didn’t socialize, and there was no texting or sexting, for that matter. We communicated solely to set up our meetings.

We both knew our positions, and we played them very well.

His position was on the bottom, and mine was on the top while I pegged him, another act whose forbidden status is rooted in the perceived negative connotation for men.

And I love to peg.

But it’s hard to find a man who will admit that he enjoys the feeling of being stimulated in a spot that, in so many imaginations, mostly those of men, is reserved for gay men.

Even if we call pegging by its intended objective, prostate stimulation, it still involves a phallic object being inserted into a man’s rectum. That is what many men can’t seem to get past. And it’s unfortunate because it can be a wonderful and intimate experience that brings new and exciting pleasure to both partners.

Anyway, we both delighted in these pegging sessions. He enjoyed a type of sex that got him off with someone who not only failed to judge him for his predilections but encouraged them. And I got something I craved, needed even — total control over a submissive man as he lay, unguarded and vulnerable. I haven’t managed to duplicate that feeling: a combination of danger, triumph, empathy, and liberation. An odd cocktail of emotion that I’d order over and over.

And morphed into something quite different

Patrick divulged to me one evening that he wished, just once, to have access to another man. That’s how he put it: “access.” I assumed this meant all-access. This was the first time he’d come out and said something about it. He would say things like, “I wonder if that would feel any different if it were a real cock?” Not too subtle, but I mean, it makes sense. He likes anal sex with my strap-on. This was a natural progression.

He seemed a little uncomfortable beginning the conversation though almost as if he were offending my “equipment” with his mention of a real one. He was endearingly tender when he asked,

“What if we asked another guy to join us?”

I didn’t necessarily fantasize about a threesome, but I did fantasize about sexual control. It was crazy that both my and Patrick’s fantasies were colliding. My wheels were turning. These guys will do what I say. It will be raunchy and full of kink and fetish with guttural commands uttered. It will be porn-like.

And I had someone in mind. My friend, Scott, would do anything for me. Anything. And he had been vocal before about his progressive sexual attitude. This was going to be a big ask, though.

I arranged the hookup by meeting Patrick at a hotel and telling him I had a surprise for him. We carried on as normal, with me giving him pleasure in the only way he expected from me and I reaping my own rewards through the act.

Scott knocked on the door at exactly the time I had instructed.

I expected porn

The three of us didn’t talk dirty to one another. Actually, nobody talked at all. It seemed we didn’t know what to say now that we were here. Awkward but I quickly took over the director role. This was in my wheelhouse. Since I had expected this encounter to be straight porn, I could steer it in the complete opposite direction. There were slow and gentle movements, apprehension, intimacy, and a surprising level of vulnerability. It was incongruous in the most lovely way.

I deserved an Oscar for my direction, at least the nomination.

I think because neither man had expectations nor the experience, the entire encounter was almost tender.

I didn’t want to command; I wanted to coax gently. I didn’t want porn after all. I wanted to look at both men after and feel respect and even a sense of fun. I didn’t want shame. I wanted a threesome that was satisfying for all involved, something I wasn’t ashamed to say I took part in. And that’s what I got.

I got the surprising intimacy of a threesome. The three of us left each other having made someone else feel good.

Every threesome is different. That should go without saying. I had one that worked. It was good for me. It was good for Patrick and Scott. I would do it again for sure, with Patrick and Scott but probably not with a stranger. For me, something is lost when there’s no connection at all with your partner or partners during a threesome. It becomes abstract and meaningless, maybe even shameful. I learned that I needed something else, familiarity, perhaps.

A threesome doesn’t have to be something dirty. It doesn’t have to involve fetish but it can be both of those things if that’s what you want. My point is that you can have any kind of threesome you want.

If there were a primer:

• Know what kind of threesome you want to have and then ask yourself: who would be amenable to that? Who would be offended just by your broaching the subject? Do you trust them? When you look back at your conversations, was there anything you recall hearing that would immediately make you say yay or nay? Do you even want to have sex with them? Don’t lose sight of the forest for the trees.
• If you’re considering friends, can your friendship sustain that kind of sexual experience? If there are feelings involved, could they be at risk? How will you deal with that?
• What degree of separation are you comfortable with? This is important especially if you want to give it a shot but aren’t yet sure if you’ll take this one to the grave. That trust component is super important.
• Make a list of potential partners and then pair them up. Think of it as trying to plan the seating at a wedding. Who would do well with whom?
• Ask. Don’t do the whole hypothetical question thing or roundabout by the most scenic route possible thing. Just come out with it. We’re grown-ass people. Ask if they’ve thought about it. Have they ever read about one? Seen one? How did it make them feel? What are their thoughts about the whole idea?
• Read body language. This is a big one because people don’t always tell the truth for fear of judgment. If this is your first foray into multi-partner sex, you don’t want to end up with anyone you don’t trust to be honest with you.

Know what kind of threesome you want to have and then make it happen.

Then come back and tell us all about it.