The Sun is Waiting Patiently
Trusting myself to open in my own time
Last Wednesday I was guided to go to Tony’s home, The Sanctuary of Beauty, by the Lily spirit. She said the next step of the writing process would come through play and joy.
I was excited to see him and experience something new, spontaneously. But when I arrived, for some reason I felt distant.
This is not uncommon. I often feel excited and warm towards Tony in my mind, but when we actually talk or meet up, I become triggered or simply feel cold and disconnected.
We always end up coming back to this central question that seems to keep our relationship stuck: Is my rejection of intimacy because we’re not right for each other or do I have blocks that would keep me from opening to anyone?
Is our relationship actually helping to heal and open my heart or are we living in a fantasy?
Hoping and wishing I felt “more” but waiting for something to change rather than truly being happy with what is?
Perhaps I idealize our relationship and think I want him, but when I’m faced with reality, my emotional reaction tells me the truth…
Or, my emotional response shows that my defenses are getting hit, faced. And that it’s only a matter of time before I’m fully “in love” with Tony.
I’d gone to his place expecting that something that came up through conversation, or we saw ‘randomly’ on tv, would spark the inspiration that would lead me to the next step in my script.
Instead I felt distant, disappointed and frustrated. We spent the evening talking about what might be causing the disconnection and how we might handle it better next time.
But I didn’t feel great about it. He never seems to have trouble connecting, even if we haven’t seen each other or talked in awhile.
Why did I need to strategize to figure out how to not feel bad around someone that I love and should be happy to see?
The next day, Tigrilla, a plant-inspired mentor, asked me “How are you serving Tony’s evolution?”
At first, I said “I think I’m a catalyst.”
She asked me to be more specific.
“I help him remember to give himself the attention and care he most longs for.”
She asked how I felt about that role.
I suddenly started sobbing. I didn’t know how much I had been feeling and carrying around this.
I feel bad. I feel guilty. I want him to be with someone who gives him all the love he desires and more, all he deserves. There are so many people who would want nothing more than to be loved by someone like him.
I don’t like playing the role of the one who constantly tests him, disappoints and hurts him and withholds from him what he desires.
“So why do you stay with him?”
Because I see us growing. I see us changing. But it’s taking longer than we thought it would.
I’m worried that it won’t ever get to what we really want. That we’re wasting our time. That we’re repeating a pattern of hoping, and living in potential.
“What does your myth say about it? Maybe that’s why Lily brought you to his place. For this experience, rather than ‘an idea’ for the next part of your scirpt.”
I had already considered that. But, it was only while listening to Tigrilla’s reflection that it hit me. How precisely the moon myth is speaking through my life.
It is through living my life as the story that the next layer of the story unfolds.
…”Can’t you see how much he loves you? And how patiently he has been waiting all these years for you to turn around and face him?”
The Moon feels against the Sun, even though he is not actually hurting her like “the others.”
Wounds from her past prevent her from opening to his love.
Only when the moon clearly sees and accepts herself can she see the Sun for who he truly is and receive his love.
The Sun doesn’t just represent Tony, or any man.
The Sun is my own inner Divine Masculine. The way I hold, accept and support myself.
Can I be patient with my own unique way of growing and trust in life’s timing? Can I trust that all I need to know will be revealed in the perfect time?
Can I believe that I’m not doing anything wrong or “wasting time” by not knowing the future with certainty?
Can I commit to being fully present with Tony, as we are now, with all of our questions and hopes and doubts?
If we continue to accept and communicate our own desires and feelings, we are being our full selves while honoring the love that flows between us.
There is no way this can be wrong.
I also picked this crane prayer/quote that week:
“ No matter how slow the film;
spirit always stands still long enough
for the photographer it has chosen.”
(minor white)
A reminder that we are never too late for our own life.
It is not possible to be too slow or behind on the path of becoming your Self.