The Suicide Rate Among Autistic Women is Worryingly High

Depending on which study you read, autistic people are 3 to 13 times more likely to commit suicide than non-autistic people. The reason those numbers vary is that those studies don’t all use the same parameters. It depends on how large the group is, age, gender, form of autism, etc.

But what all of them show is that the suicide rate among autistic people is a lot higher than in the general population. And most likely to die by suicide are autistic women, especially those with Asperger’s Syndrome. They are at an even greater risk than people with psychosis or multiple other mental illnesses.

I’m a woman with Asperger’s myself and have a rather good idea of why that may be the case. Life as an autistic woman is hard. I’m not going to go into detail about any of the studies I’ve read because I want to give you an “inside view” on the reasons instead of numbers.

Reasons

There are a number of reasons why someone would take such a step and there’s rarely one single reason. Usually, it’s going to be a complex combination of different factors that come together. Please be aware that I’m not a psychiatrist and am not qualified to provide any kind of medical advice. I only want to give my personal perspective as an autistic woman and there’s no guarantee that what I say is psychologically correct!

Social Isolation

Let me tell you, social isolation is no joke. I have always struggled with making friends and consequently felt pretty lonely most of my life. It’s not that I didn’t want to make friends, I just couldn’t find people I connected with. My interests were different and a lot of stuff they found dope was downright awful for me. What seemed to come naturally to them in terms of communication was a mystery to me. Even now, when I’m well aware of this issue, I am amazed by how easily my fellow students connect with one another.

This is the case for a lot of women on the spectrum and it takes its toll on your mental health like nothing else. Humans need other humans in order to be happy and when you’re unable to form those important bonds, it can be truly devastating.

Feeling “Wrong”

I wasn’t diagnosed until the age of 27. That means I spent a very long time asking myself why I was so different. I just didn’t fit in. And in my mind that made me “wrong.” I tried to fit in, I really did. And yet, I wouldn’t succeed. In addition to being lonely, constantly asking yourself what is wrong with you (especially while growing up!) makes you feel like crap. It causes depression.

I am glad to say that ever since I’ve gotten my diagnosis, I’m doing a lot better in that regard. Now I know that I’m not wrong, I’m just different and that’s okay because I know why. Others are not so lucky. I know people on the spectrum who are 40 years old and still feel worthless because they perceive themselves to be “wrong.”

Society Isn’t Made for Us

Society is tailored to the needs and skills of neurotypical people. They’re the majority and the majority makes the rules. It’s not just that a lot of those rules don’t make sense to us, it’s actually impossible for us to live up to society’s expectations.

For example, I can’t work the usual 8 hours a day because my sensory filters don’t work properly and I get overwhelmed very quickly. I need more time than most people to recharge and I need to do that in an environment that doesn’t flood me with even more stimuli. If that isn’t possible, I’ll have a panic attack or spiral into an autistic overload. Try selling that to a boss.

Every day is a fight to keep up with what is expected of us. And it’s a fight we’re never going to win.

Mental Health Issues

Most people on the spectrum also suffer from mental health issues. Depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder are some of the most common ones. In addition, we usually experience an enormous amount of stress and constant overstimulation, which makes matters even worse.

Being Called Lazy

As I mentioned, autistic people struggle with tasks that are no big deal for neurotypicals. As a result, we get called lazy a lot which is kind of like a slap in the face when you’re working your ass off on a daily basis just to meet their standards. Just imagine trying to please someone, sacrificing your mental health and wellbeing in the process, and then only ever being told how it’s still not good enough.

Being Aware of Their Failure

It’s especially women with Asperger’s Syndrome who are at risk of committing suicide. They tend to have rather high intelligence which makes them painfully aware of what is expected and their inability to achieve it. And compared to men, they often have a more pronounced need for social inclusion and harmonious relationships.

I can definitely say it’s true for myself. Being aware that I don’t fit in and knowing that other people are judging me because of it makes it worse for me. And while I’m fairly self-sufficient and do well on my own, I still want to belong somewhere and have meaningful relationships. Of course I do. Contrary to popular belief, I’m not a psychopath 😅

Masking

Last but definitely not least, masking is extremely draining. I do it all the time when I’m around people. It’s why you wouldn’t notice I’m autistic and why I hear “But you don’t look autistic” a lot. Yeah, that’s because I’m trying to fulfill your expectations in a conversation rather than doing what feels natural to me.

Masking is exactly what it sounds like. Putting on a mask to camouflage the signs of autism. It also means forcing myself to hold eye contact when it’s very uncomfortable for me. It means pretending I enjoy the conversation when I’d rather be left alone because I’m already overwhelmed with the surroundings. Using body language and facial expressions that I know are socially adequate but may not always come naturally.

I also have to process the body language and facial expressions of other people consciously. Neurotypicals interpret a large part of communication subconsciously, they don’t have to think about what certain expressions mean. They just get it. I have to make a conscious effort. It’s exhausting.

“Being autistic is like being put in a play you never read the script for, and you don’t know how the other people got it.”

What You Can Do to Help

If a person is already suicidal, it’s obviously best to talk to a skilled psychiatrist.

But those little things might just make an autistic person’s day and let them believe in society a little more:

• Talk to them if they are all alone in class/at work. Ask them first if they actually want to engage in conversation though.
• Respect their boundaries. Don’t make them feel silly or “too sensitive”, just accept that they have their limitations.
• Give them space. If they want to leave the situation, they should be allowed to do so without feeling awkward. If they want to pause in a conversation to think, don’t get impatient. Many of us also have social anxiety and are scared of saying something stupid. Being allowed the time to think before speaking may help with that.
• If they express their needs openly, please be nice about it. You can be sure it took a great amount of courage!
• Ask them if they want to join in activities, but don’t be offended if they say no. Even if we may not always be able to join, we like being included.
• Offer to listen without judging.
• Focus on their skills rather than on what they may not be able to do at that moment.
• Be aware of camouflaging and acknowledge the effort they’re putting into conversations.
• Show some genuine interest in their challenges and interests.

I know this topic is a bit of a downer but I think it’s very important to talk about it nevertheless. So thank you for reading the whole thing!

Marina ❤️