The Subtle Ways We Manipulate Others Without Realizing
10 Tactics people use to get what they want
In the intricate dance of human relationships, manipulation lurks like a shadow, often unnoticed until it’s too late. Imagine that you are texting with your significant other. Throughout your relationship, you’ve noticed signs of toxicity and abuse and finally, after much internal struggle, you’ve decided to end things.
You know how aggressive they can be so you choose to do it through text. A deep breath later, the text is sent. You brace yourself for the argument that’s about to come but nothing could have prepared you for what happens next.
Instead of blaming and shaming, you get a text saying that your partner will kill themselves if you go through with this breakup. They say that there’s a possibility that they might take someone else with them as well. You freeze, not knowing what to do or how to reply. Are they being serious? Would they actually kill themselves or other people? Are they just saying that or is it true?
Everyone has had an encounter with manipulation at least once in their lives. The above example showcases the fear and possible exaggeration used to get the person to do what they wanted, which in this case was not leaving the relationship. Not all types of manipulation are the same because not everyone operates in the same way.
Manipulation can range from being subtle to being aggressive and physical. There are many reasons why people try to manipulate others, whether that is from jealousy, fear, or poor communication skills. Among others, there are also many ways that people can manipulate others. now let’s see 10 ways people manipulate to get what they want.
1. Passive aggressiveness
Passive aggressiveness is a way for people to express anger without being violent, but it can also work as a way to manipulate. In many cases, it is used to make backhanded comments that make people feel guilty or as if the abuser could explode at any moment and confuse the victim.
On top of passive-aggressive manipulation, they are threatening to hurt themselves, much like in the example above. They might threaten to hurt or kill themselves or someone else in order to get a certain reaction from you.
The tactic is to teach you a lesson by saying I’ll hurt myself to hurt you, says an article on the Goodman Project. It’s appealing for your sympathy aimed at making you feel guilty; it’s attention-seeking drama aimed at you and gaining control again; along with threatening passive aggression, it can also come with psychological manipulation, stonewalling, and sarcasm, among others, according to the Goodman project.
2. Moving goalposts
Moving goalposts is when one person puts up a goal (I.E.), we will do this, and then ends up changing their mind, which culminates in adding more or different requirements to reach a certain goal. These requirements usually satisfy the abuser and have no benefit to the victim. By moving the goals, the manipulator keeps the victim hanging by a thread as well as under control.
Good therapy offers an example. For example, a bully may use their coworker's clothes as an excuse to harass them. If the individual changes outfits, the bully may claim the person won’t deserve professional respect until they change their hairstyle, their accent, or another miscellaneous trait.
3. Manipulation of facts
When an abuser tries manipulating facts, they will change or look for the statistics that benefit them. A manipulator will actively lead you to make excuses, blame you, or strategically share facts about them and withhold other truths According to WebMD, by doing this, they feel they are gaining power over you and gaining intellectual superiority. The more believable it is, the less likely the other person will go to verify that information. This makes the manipulator feel as if they have some type of psychological or mental advantage over the victim.
4. Cruel humor
using cruel humor, such as jokes, to insult or demean someone with the excuse that it’s just a joke is a way to break down the victim emotionally and mentally but it also works to make others see the victim In a different light, if cruel humor is often used in front of the same people, this tactic used by manipulators is meant to pro-look at your weaknesses and make you feel insecure. With WebMD on their side, by making you look bad, they have a sense of psychological superiority.
5. Exaggeration and generalization
Vagueness is often hard to confront or dispute, which is why manipulators like to generalize things so much. According to Ross E. Collins, generalization and exaggeration enhance the glittering effect. The glittering effect is a situation that serves to paint what is said in a positive light instead of a negative one based on how the person says things. It also makes it harder to see holes in their arguments. There’s really nothing specific out there that the victim can grab onto and throw back at the abuser, although they might feel that something is wrong. This will leave them confused and trying to analyze what is happening.
6. Lying
If they don’t use exaggeration or generalization, an abuser will use lies to try to get people to believe in whatever they say. When they are caught, they will lie on top of the lie to keep the illusion going as long as possible. Lying is the primary manipulative tool people use to continue living a hidden life.
The manifestation can be as simple as being late to work because I overslept or as complex as getting fired because my boss felt threatened by my superior knowledge. Red Mountain Sedona is a clinic for helping young people overcome difficulties and threats.
When lying is used as a primary tool, it becomes a cycle of deceit that not only traps the liar but also the people surrounding the liar—a person who has fallen prey to such behavior becomes an expert at lying and deceiving in an effort to pursue a destructive lifestyle.
Red Mountain continues the poor decisions and choices that move into the driver’s seat and the person begins to feel like a passenger who has little or no control over the journey. in order to break out of the cycle of deceit, it’s important to become aware of it first and then get help.
7. Insecurities
Playing on someone else’s insecurities is a sure way to bring them down while at the same time making them think things that aren’t true. Manipulators exploit these insecurities or weaknesses for their pleasure or their need to feel in control of or above you. They may make fun of you, make you feel small and insignificant, or be passively aggressive, among other things, until you break down and believe that you truly are worthless.
8. Fear
In general, when someone is confronted by fear, they may run, hide, or freeze, similar to how someone reacts to a dangerous situation, but abusers only look for one thing: when they’re using your fear against you, they are looking to keep you exactly where you are frozen and under their control to create this fear.
They may use psychological and emotional tactics as well as physical intimidation, even threats to your loved ones or threats relating to exposing some information you don’t want out there. Remember our story about your significant other threatening to kill themselves or someone else if you leave them? As you can see, threats can also include strangers. This type of tactic is used to show empathy and respect towards people you don’t know.
9. Silent treatment
The silent treat treatment is another manipulation tactic where the abuser tries to make you submit to their demands by withholding affection, time together, and communication and making you feel guilt and shame for something they say you did wrong, which most likely turns out to be something that you actually did right but that threatens the abuser’s sense of control. According to good therapy, it is also used to punish or make the victim fearful, as silent treatment can also become psychological manipulation.
10. Recruiting others to help
Good therapy gives this example of the abuse of parents asking family members to remind a child how much the parent has sacrificed for the child. Of course, this doesn’t only happen in parent-child relationships; it can also happen between romantic partners, where one partner goes to their mutual friends or even family to get support and something they say they know will bring you down.
It can happen between so-called friends or work colleagues as well. It is good to note that the other people being recruited don’t always know what’s going on and they might just agree based on the perceptions they have, not necessarily the abuse that’s going on between the abuser and the victim, since it’s possible that the recruited people aren’t even aware of it. The social pressure may convince the child or person to stop complaining about abuse. Behavior finishes with good therapy.
Remember that a manipulator, such as an abuser, can combine these and other tactics not mentioned here in order to get what they want. It also depends on the situation that is being lived in at the moment. If you think you’re being manipulated, we suggest going to a professional or a trusted third party. We hope that this has helped you dip your toe in and start to recognize manipulation tactics.
Let me know in the comments what you think and how you are able to overcome your own manipulation.
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RESOURCES
Red Mountain Sedona Team. (2017, September 23). Manipulation and lying. Red Mountain Sedona: redmountainsedona.com/resources/manipulation-and-lying/
The Minds Journal. (2019, April 20). 13 Ways Manipulators Use Passive Aggressiveness to Manipulate and Abuse You.
The Good Men Project. goodmenproject.com/featured-content/13-ways-manipulators-use-passive-aggressiveness-to-manipulate-and-abuse-you/ Villines, Z. (2019, September 17).
Red Flags: Are You Being Emotionally Manipulated? GoodTherapy.org Therapy Blog. www.goodtherapy.org/blog/red-flags-are-you-being-emotionally-manipulated-0917197 WebMD Editorial Contributors. (2020, November 23).
Manipulation: Symptoms to Look For. WebMD. www.webmd.com/mental-health/signs-manipulation#:%7E:text=A%20manipulator%20will%20actively%20lie,you%20and%20gaining%20intellect