The Subtle Signs of Relationship Dissatisfaction You’ve Been Ignoring

If you pay attention now, there may be time to save your partnership.

Lily met Michael in their sophomore year of college and within six months we all knew he was “the one”. The two were never apart. They went rock climbing together and took skiing holidays. When his parents had their 30th-anniversary celebration in the Bahamas, she was right there beside him. They were head over heels for each other, but the real kicker was how proud they were of each other.

Fast forward about 12 years. Michael and Lily are living in a house in the suburbs and they have 3 sons together. Michael finally managed to grab that big promotion at the firm and Lily is running a small apparel business online.

Everything looks good. They travel. They pay their bills. They send out Christmas cards with big smiles on them every year…but Lily was feeling empty.

She couldn’t explain it at first. Life looked fine on the surface, especially between her and Michael. But there was something quiet stirring under the surface. There was a longing in her and a distance in Michael she couldn’t quite put her finger on.

The two sat down after a few years of this and laid it all out on the table.

Michael wasn’t happy. He didn’t like the way their lives were playing out. He didn’t like how little time he got with his wife. He wanted a change, a big one, or he wanted out. Lily was stunned. She knew things were in a rut, but she hadn’t realized just how bad they were.

The cracks in our relationships aren’t always visible at first.

When Lily and Michael finally set down, he was able to find the courage to lay the problems out for her. Lily was stunned because his behavior had been so subtle. Things moved on as they always had, and Lily didn’t realize that such big emotions could be sitting beneath what seemed like mundane distances.

The truth is that relationship issues are sometimes hard to see, at first. When we love our partners or spouses, we don’t always want to bring up the problems to them. A lot of people fear that their partner will leave them, others don’t want to get into a fight or hurt their loved one’s feelings.

So a lot of couples fall into the habit of ignoring the issues. They look the other way and tell themselves that things will go back to normal in time, but that’s not something to bet on.

When couples don’t address the issues, dissatisfaction arises.

What is dissatisfaction? It’s more than just being unhappy. It’s being disappointed in your relationship because of missing fundamental pieces. It’s becoming emotionally distanced and disengaged, preventing meaningful connection and increasing resentments.

If there is dissatisfaction in your relationship it has to be addressed, but therein lies the challenge. Dissatisfaction isn’t always easy to spot. Much like a poison, it starts small and then blooms bigger and bigger throughout the heart of the relationship over time.

Is your partner getting fed up? Are they pulling away? Putting up walls in your relationship? You have to look first for the subtle signs that dissatisfaction is building in your relationship.

What are the most subtle signs of dissatisfaction in your relationship?

Human relationships are incredibly complex and hard to balance. Not only do you have to see to the full scope of your own needs, you have to incorporate the needs of another person. It’s a delicate line to walk, and one that often ends in dissatisfaction (at some point) for one party or the other.

According to Berit Brogaard, Ph.D., some of the most subtle signs of relationship dissatisfaction can include:

• Lacking intimacy: As levels of dissatisfaction increase, you may notice a decrease in physical and emotional intimacy in your relationship. Your partner may pull away and show a lack of desire to engage with you on either level (you may feel the same).
• Decreased communication: Communication is a must in a happy relationship, but as resentment and anger set in it’s common to see a decrease in communication. Partners talk less, and when they do it can be tense and dishonest.
• Sneaky behavior: It’s not easy to admit when things are wrong in a relationship, so some partners will choose not to address the issues. Instead, they may pull away and start to sneak around. They don’t tell their partners where they are, or what’s going on in their lives, and may lie about who they spend time with.
• Increased conflict: Are you and your partner fighting more? Partners with unaddressed issues find that there is more conflict as resentments rise and one partner feels as though they aren’t getting what they want or need from the other.
• Loss of shared goals: A healthy relationship revolves around shared goals. While goals can shift over time, the divides here become especially sharp when one partner is becoming increasingly dissatisfied with their place in the relationship.
• Emotional distancing: Being in love with someone is hard and there are a lot of ups and downs. It’s important to stay close emotionally, but a lot of emotional walls go up when one partner resents the other or is feeling dissatisfied.
• Zero initiative: Does your partner take the initiative in your relationship? That means do they ask to spend time with you? Do they show you that they love you? Help you with day-to-day life? What about when things go wrong? Do they try to figure them out? Parnters who are dissatisfied often stop taking the initiative to improve things.
• Shifted priorities: In our partnerships, we have different priorities. Still, partners keep each other high up on the lists, making sure they get quality time together and can support one another. Not so in a dissatisfied relationship. The dissatisfied partner may stop making you a priority (or vice versa).
• Minimized future: Happy couples make plans. It’s a part of what keeps them together and working hard when life gets tough. When there are serious emotional divides, though, those plans may dry up. Does your partner still talk about the future? Do you?

The dissatisfied partner could best be described as a partner who is distant and disinterested. They aren’t the passionate and engaged person that you fell in love with, because they’re growing away from that path or are seeing cracks that make them question the partnership as a whole.

It can be easy to miss if you’re not paying attention. Your partner may check out slowly, little by little, as you only become aware of the problems too late.

Should they speak up? Sure. It’s also your job as a partner, however, to pay attention to your loved one and to ask questions when things aren’t right. After all, it’s your happiness and love life that’s on the line too.

Do what you can to fix the problems now.

Are you noticing the patterns of dissatisfaction creeping into your relationship? You don’t have to throw in the towel and walk away. Most couples can work through the issues and find their way back to a sense of meaningful love, but only if they take honest and emotionally intelligent steps to get there (together).

1. Sit down and map it out

Usually, when people see a problem in their relationship they leap at it. The panic makes them think that they have to plug the hole right away, like a sinking ship. What usually proves the more effective path, however, is to stand back and get a clear hold on our perspectives first. How are we feeling? What are we seeing? How do we want to get on track?

Sit down and map out what you’re feeling and why. Journal it all out in a quiet room and be brutally honest with yourself about what you’re experiencing and feeling.

What’s been going on in your relationship? If you’re feeling distanced, why? Is your partner spending less time with you? Are they making comments that make you feel like they aren’t happy? Are they finding excuses to spend less time at home? Pour it all out on paper so you can get clear on how that’s making you feel.

You’ll need to have as much clarity as possible for the next step. Sitting your partner down to have a serious conversation about improvement and issues in your relationship.

2. Have an honest conversation

If you genuinely value your relationship, you have to talk to your partner about what’s going on. This is how mature and healthy relationships work. Two people, uncomfortable as it may be, sit down together and share their feelings without fear of being left or harmed in the process.

You can’t do that unless you first have a handle on your emotions. After all, that’s the place you have to operate from when addressing your partner’s dissatisfaction. You can only share your perspective and how you’re feeling, not how they’re feeling or what they’re thinking.

Pick a safe time and space where both of you can open up without feeling pressured or silenced. It’s important to pick your time wisely too. Don’t sit your partner down after a stressful week at work. Don’t pick at them after they’ve just fought with their parents or siblings.

Sit down with them and share how you’re feeling. Ask if they’re dissatisfied. Express how their distance has made you feel. Avoid pointing the finger and don’t accuse them. Don’t tell them that they’re dissatisfied or presume to know what they’re thinking. Leave the table open for a back and forth as you figure out what’s wrong together and plan a course of action to fix it.

3. Take action and make the time

Getting clear on your feelings is a start. Sitting down and having an honest conversation with your partner is monumental. These two pieces of the puzzle alone cannot fix a relationship in which dissatisfaction has taken root, though. Action is the only thing that can do that.

You and your partner have to sit down and get clear together on what’s causing the dissatisfaction.

Maybe your partner isn’t getting enough quality time with you. Maybe, according to their needs, you spend too much time at work and don’t spend enough reasonable time making memories with them.

It’s up to you to create time for them if this is the case. Do what you have to do. Mark it in a calendar. Take an afternoon off of work. Take action to show your other half that their needs are important to you and that you want to be in a working relationship with them. Action speaks louder than words.

4. Enlist the help of a professional

It would be nice to think that we could fix all our relationship issues ourselves. And the truth is that, often, we can. When couples can sit down and talk things out honestly, magical things happen. That, however, doesn’t work for every couple and it certainly doesn’t work for every issue.

Sometimes, the walls in our relationships are big, and they come from deep, deep places we can neither see nor touch.

The dissatisfaction in your relationship might be coming from one of these bigger issues. If that’s the case, then your best chance of saving the partnership is by seeking the help of a relationship professional who can help you both sort out the deeper problems at play.

Find someone you’re both comfortable with and commit to regular meetings with them. Do the work, even if it feels silly at first. Look each other in the eye and show up with the help of a mediator who understands the bigger goals at stake.

In the end, my friends Lily and Michael were able to work it out. They took some time apart, met with a counselor, and made it a point to be brutally honest with each other. Over time, they were able to re-establish trust with one another and that deeper, more passionate connection that they lost sight of.

It didn’t come without sacrifices on both sides. Lily cut back on her work by hiring help who could take on some of the workload for her. Michael picked up a couple more hobbies and ended up switching careers so that he had more time with his family and pursuing his interests.

Your relationship can be salvaged too, but you have to give yourself a reality check. Is your partner acting dissatisfied? Are you feeling dissatisfied with your partnership? Address the cracks that are forming now so they don’t become major divides later. Look for the subtle signs early and don’t wait until you’re standing on the door of heartbreak to take action.

© E.B. Johnson 2024

I am a writer, artist, NLPMP, and podcaster who helps people build creative lives after trauma. In my free time, I have a passion for fresh bread, history, and all things watercolor. Learn more about me here. Join my mailing list. Or, support my writing by subscribing below.