The Stupidest Ideas For Reality Television Programs That Ever Aired
The future is weird
What is real? Without going full Nietzsche, reality TV isn’t reality. Some shows are cast with with the help of psychologists to find personality archetypes that are expected to conflict or complement with other cast mates. Others are flat out scripted with actors cast to play roles.
Some of the biggest hits in reality programs come from the stupidest ideas. Jersey Shore immediately comes to mind. That idea was probably dumber than anything I’m about to cover, but it worked. These didn’t.
I scoured the internet in search of the obscure reality shows with the stupidest premise. I watched the first episode or as much as I could stand.
Shattered
UK Channel 4 BBC 2004 Ten contestants were challenged with going without sleep for seven days. The contestants had to endure daily performance testing and a variety of challenges. They were competing for £100,000 though, at any point, if a contestant closed their eyes for over ten seconds, then £1,000 was deducted from the prize fund.
The irony of a show about staying awake that puts you to sleep. Most of the show is talking heads with tidbit’s like,
We can survive longer without food than sleep.
The UK is the most scantily clad nation at bed time with 51% sleeping in the nude.
The contestants are placed in “The Lab.” Full of crap to make them fall asleep. It’s painfully boring. They eliminate the person that’s tiredest daily. The three people left split the prize. I’m pretty sure this show exists solely for people to fall asleep to. I can’t even make fun of it it’s that boring.
Yet it’s the only show that got a second season. Probably due to The Lab. That set must have cost a fortune.
What I learned: Sleep = good. Not sleeping = bad.
Would I watch the next episode: Hell no.
Best Funeral Ever
TLC 2013 The Golden Gate Funeral Home creates celebrations as unique as the deceased. The team works with families to create an unforgettable party with a special theme around a loved one’s work or passion in life. From a BBQ-themed ceremony to a funeral for a bowler where the family sends the casket down the lane for her final strike, these memories will last forever.
This was my original inspiration for this story. Is it dumb? Absolutely.
In reality this program is incredible. On paper it looks like reality TV at it’s worst but it’s a beautiful thing this funeral home does. At every funeral ever the person officiating says let’s not mourn but celebrate… This funeral home literally celebrates with themed funerals. I mean, look at this.
Funerals aren’t for the dead but for the surviving to have closure. It’s so absurd, yet so touching. I teared up multiple times.
In the episode I watched a man’s mother and father died with in a month of each other. During the planning the guy mentions that his mother and father never had a proper wedding. The funeral director says let’s do a big wedding. Complete with groom and bride attired urns…
I’m choking up writing this. It doesn’t take much.
What I learned: That having a funeral where a giant catapult flings my flaming coffin into the Pacific ocean while the theme song from Greatest American Hero plays as the mourners chug a Coors could happen.
Would I watch the next episode: Maybe if nothing else is on. I get the message. I’m good.
Sex Box
WE TV 2015 Couples are brought into the studio experiencing relationship problems. The couple will enter a sound-proofed box on the stage, where they will have sex. After he nuts, the couple exits the box and rejoins the hosts on stage, where they answer questions about their sex life, based on the theory that the couple will be more open and honest in their answers after boning.
The couples are all young and good looking actors most likely. I’m sure these people bone every other night at least. Get a sailor who hasn’t had sex in 6 months and you might get different answers. Nobody reveals shit. They have to go home together. Sex is not a truth serum.
There was 9 episodes filmed. Only 5 episodes aired before they pulled the plug. And this is the WE network.
Video intro for the couple. Then they come into the studio, wave, and into the Sex Box. While they bang, the hosts talk about how dysfunctional they are as people and as a couple. Nothing the 3 hosts say make them likable, funny, or entertaining.
The host Dr. (cough) Chris Donaghue is is especially vile. The tone he uses is all wrong. And it has nothing to do with my ex being his former personal assistant (cough).
You can’t see into the box. You don’t hear moaning. They come out looking slightly disheveled.
Hey Beavis. They just did it. Uh huh huh.
What I learned: I’m Eskimo brothers with a talent-less fuckboy.
Would I watch the next episode: I’d watch an entire season of Shattered holding a crying baby with a leaky diaper before watching another episode of this poorly executed catapulted flaming corpse of a stupid idea.
Before the last stupidest idea for a reality TV show, let’s take a look at a few dumb ideas that didn’t make the list because I couldn’t find a full episode.
I Wanna Marry Harry (Fox, 2014)
Splash (ABC, 2013)
Mr. Personality (Fox, 2003)
Kid Nation
CBS 2007 Forty kids, ages 8–15, attempt to create an operating town in 40 days without the help of adults in a New Mexico ghost town. The kids are responsible for all chores, including cooking, cleaning and running businesses. They also establish their own rules and set up a government. They hold a town-hall meeting at the end of each episode to talk about issues and to determine which one should win the Gold Star, worth $20,000.
When a show is rated PG-14 and almost all 40 of the kids are under 14, you know some shit went down. Their parents had to sign a 22 page waiver which had some interesting clauses. My favorite being this one.
“I understand that if the Minor chooses to enter into an intimate relationship with another participant or any other person … I hereby assume any and all risks that may be associated with any relationship, including, without limitation, emotional distress, illness, sexually transmitted diseases, HIV, and pregnancy.”
The average age of participants was 13. Their parents weren’t off camera, they weren’t there. There was the crew and 40 kids on a long abandoned western set in New Mexico 3 hours away from the closest town. Why New Mexico? Lax child labor laws.
One would think it had to have been staged. But due to the lawsuits and interviews decades after it was filmed, this really happened.
The kids are split up into four teams. They compete in challenges to determine the teams jobs. Which is a thin veneer to showcase class disparity in a capitalistic society.
What I learned: You are who you are and a person can only hide that for so long. The kids try to behave for the cameras (also ham it up) but eventually everyone shows their true colors.
Would I watch the next episode: I sat down to watch an episode and wound up binging the whole season. They could not have cast this show any better than they did. All the tropes are there. It’s way better than it has any right to be.
Sources:
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/crime/no-human-rights-kid-nation
https://www.thewrap.com/bonkers-reality-competition-shows-forgot-existed-photos/