The Strange Law Of Love

Summary

The article discusses the paradoxical nature of finding love, suggesting that it often eludes those who actively search for it and emphasizing the importance of self-love and personal growth as prerequisites for a healthy relationship.

Abstract

The author reflects on personal experiences with love and relationships, particularly noting the challenges of finding genuine love in the digital age, where online dating often feels inauthentic. Drawing on the philosophy of Alan Watts, the piece explores the "law of reversed effort," which posits that attempting to force outcomes can lead to the opposite of the desired result, especially in love. The article argues that the pursuit of security through relationships is a misguided attempt at self-preservation that can ultimately lead to insecurity. Instead, it suggests that love begins with self-acceptance and that by focusing on personal development and self-compassion, individuals naturally become more attractive to others and more open to meaningful connections.

Opinions

Online dating is often ineffective for long-term relationships because it starts with the wrong premise of actively searching for love.
The "law of reversed effort" implies that trying to control or secure love often results in its loss.
Self-love is a foundational aspect of being able to healthily give and receive love.
Personal growth and self-improvement are key to attracting genuine relationships.
Committing to a relationship as a means of seeking security can lead to a false sense of stability and may contribute to the relationship's fragility.
The journey to finding love is not about seeking it out but about becoming someone who embodies the qualities of love, thereby attracting it naturally.

The Strange Law Of Love

I met my ex-girlfriend on Tinder. We matched, we met, we were together for almost two years. We broke up two years ago and I haven’t been with anyone since. What I learned is that even when you feel ready, you can’t skip to the end.

You cannot find love by looking for it.

The moment you start searching, you’ve already twisted yourself into a pretzel that’s nothing but a poor copy of the awesome you you actually are. That’s why online dating rarely works out in the long run. Because from the beginning, something felt ‘off.’

“I have always been fascinated by the law of reversed effort. Sometimes I call it the ‘backwards law.’ When you try to stay on the surface of the water, you sink; but when you try to sink, you float. When you hold your breath, you lose it — which immediately calls to mind an ancient and much neglected saying, ‘Whosoever would save his soul shall lose it.’”

The law of reversed effort is universal, but it feels beyond unfair that it applies to love. The harder we work for it, the less we get. Back then, Watts said about his book:

“It is written in the conviction that no theme could be more appropriate in a time when human life seems to be so peculiarly insecure and uncertain. It maintains that this insecurity is the result of trying to be secure, and that, contrariwise, salvation and sanity consist in the most radical recognition that we have no way of saving ourselves.”

There are no degrees to truth, but if there were, his words would rank higher up the ladder today than they did some 70 years ago. In a world that’s always connected, opportunities to feel insecure and uncertain are infinite. And what better way to a sense of security than to commit to a relationship. Forever.

Or so it seems. Maybe the marriages that take the most effort to build are the quickest to fall apart. I don’t know.

It’s a sick, cosmic joke, this strange law of love. Facing its truth, you’re only left with one of two reactions: you breathe or you break. What I do know, however, is that this reaction is a choice.

Love starts with loving yourself. Only then can you give it freely and receive more in return. It’s one of those “when the student is ready, the teacher appears” kind of things. Like attracts like. And if you don’t think you’re awesome, work on it. Do something for yourself. Go to the gym. Start a business. Buy a book. Paint. Whatever gets you closer to being someone you would want to date yourself.

The only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with is you.

Make sure you’re in great company.