The Story of Us

What my brave wife’s journey through illness has taught me

My wife Gabrielle and I have been married for just over five years. We met at a full-day personal growth seminar about safety in online dating. There were four guys and thirty-six women in attendance. The odds were good for men on that day! It showed women are more interested in personal growth than men.

I picked up a few tips from the seminar. During the break, we sat around and chatted with each other, exchanging pleasantries and small talk. In the back of my mind, my focus was mainly on learning and finishing the day so I could get home early. I had to get ready for a team Ironman triathlon event the next day and had to be up by 3 am!

At dinner time, we swapped seats and introduced ourselves to a different person. In that restaurant, the ceiling was low and it was noisy. We were almost shouting to hear each other.

Then in walked Gabrielle. The first thing she mentioned was she had brain cancer when she was a teenager. The kind of brain cancer that I deal with routinely in my line of work as a clinical cancer genetic scientist. I told her what I do and we kicked off a lovely conversation. She confessed later that most men were scared off by the cancer and she wanted to get that fact out of the way.

She was surprised that I was very comfortable with that information and engaging. One thing we still laugh about to this day is that we were the same height sitting together. Once we stood up, I discovered she is six feet tall. I am five foot five. I literally look up to her!

We dated for three years before we got married. We are similar and also different in many ways. We share very similar values. We love God, our families, people, animals, and nature.

We are also different in many ways. She is an extrovert and I am an introvert. She is creative and I love the systematic approach. She is a European and I am an Asian. I guess it’s true that opposites attract. We complement each other very well.

A month before we got married, Gabrielle had a small stroke as a result of the radiotherapy that cured her brain cancer many years ago. She recovered and we managed to have our wedding and enjoyed our honeymoon over an ocean cruise holiday.

Over these past five years, she’s had seven strokes and other associated issues. We’ve spent more time in hospitals than on vacations. Eventually, Gabrielle could no longer drive or continue to perform as a Jazz singer to the elderly folks in retirement villages.

On 4th February this year, she had stroke number seven. This one affected her balance and control of her right arm.

It is very hard to see her suffer. Her mobility has deteriorated from using a crutch to a walker and now she is bedbound. Her speech is also affected.

After staying in the hospital for six weeks, Gabrielle is now recovering in a private residential care facility with on-site physiotherapists, occupational therapists, doctors, and nursing staff. She also has visiting speech therapist and psychologist as well. We are very grateful that we’ve received great support from our government, hospital staff, family, friends, church, and my work team.

Sometimes when I see couples sharing a coffee in a café or when I am alone, I question why these things happened to us. Why does such a beautiful person like Gabrielle have to suffer?

When I was mentally exhausted and depressed, Gabrielle noticed. I tried to figure out how to help Gabrielle and sometimes I went quiet. She said she did not want any of this to happen and raised her concerns about me to her sister and parents.

I understand the danger of being isolated and have a network of good friends who watch me. I also reach out to them for our usual swimming, cycling, or running sessions and coffee afterward. At the moment I also have a few sessions with a psychologist.

My psychologist once gave me a piece of valuable advice. He said men tend to bottle up their emotions when they can’t handle things and may pick up bad habits like drinking, taking drugs, etc to numb their pain. He taught me that a better way to deal with problems is to face them by acknowledging the emotion, such as sadness.

Instead of running away, I’ve learned to ask myself what the healthiest response to my current emotion is. When I look at my emotion and behavior as a third person, I can find solutions objectively and in peace.

After struggling for a few months, I now understand Gabrielle’s illness has meaning. Through it all, she has taught me many things.

1. Gabrielle taught me how to love.

Gabrielle always thinks of others before herself. Amidst her illness, she thinks about me, her family, and the patients around her.

She taught me that love is not a 50/50 sharing partnership. It is a 100% commitment.

We enjoy the café scene but she can’t at the moment. I bring the café experience to her with coffee and treats as a way to show my love.

She loves sunflowers and I bring them to her room. It is winter season where I live and difficult to find them. Gabrielle’s creativity has rubbed off on me and I’ve brought her a couple of big plastic sunflowers with greens and butterflies. She had a few laughs about that one.

2. Gabrielle taught me how to have fun and enjoy life.

I am an introvert. I prefer having fun solo running or cycling by myself or doing something behind the scene.

Guess what? Although Gabrielle would not want to be on the center stage, she “persuaded” me to put on my half mask to watch the musical “The Phantom of the Opera.” It brought a few chuckles from the rest of the audience.

I am a crazy Star Wars fan. Gabrielle does not understand why I am obsessed with it but she loves the idea of Star Wars costuming. I wouldn’t have thought we would ever wear these costumes in public, but we did. Gabrielle was an Imperial General and I was a Commander. She was the boss, so to speak.

On 5th May, I wore my imperial officer uniform to work. My staff and I had a lot of fun. I did get some funny looks from people walking past me on the staircase.

Gabrielle also posed as Rey Skywalker.

3. Gabrielle taught me to appreciate people and the little things in life.

Gabrielle loves people. She enjoys their company and keeps in touch with them. Whenever her friends need support she goes out of her way to give them encouraging words and send them chocolate or body lotions. That makes a hell of a difference when her friends know she cares.

I may not send body lotions to my male friends but I make sure I arrange regular contact with them. On my weekly planner, I put the names of the people I want to touch base with.

Gabrielle does not need to have a diamond every week to stay happy. When she was at home before this recent stroke in February, she enjoyed and appreciated the wild birds around our trees and garden. Buying birdseed and feeding them was her fun time.

4. Gabrielle encourages me to focus on one day at a time.

Gabrielle wrote a poem in the year 2000 after she had major neurosurgery. The title was “Living in the Now.” The first paragraph was:

Tomorrow is not here

And in some small way

We must get through today

And live as only we know how

It is so true. Tomorrow is not here and yesterday has gone. Whatever regrets or glory we had from yesterday are a memory. Yesterday was a lesson to make us better and stronger so that we can fully be at present. What lies ahead does not matter. What we have is now. What is important is the present, today!

How can we turn an ordinary day today into an extraordinary one?

Today is our adventure and history in the making.

5. Gabrielle taught me that life is unpredictable and to make the best of it.

We have no idea what Gabrielle’s health will be like in the future. With the way this is going, I struggle to see how her health can be fully restored. However, I’ve decided not to focus on what we’ve missed or lost. What we have now is important and we make the best of the time that we have.

In life, there are lots of things we have no control over but we can decide to let go of the anxiety and worry. At the back of my mind, I cannot bear the thought of losing Gabrielle. But I can’t allow this fear to rob my joy of enjoying her company now.

We are doing what we can to let go of the uncertainty of the future. We enjoy our time together and make the best of it. At the end of the day, life is about experiences, memories, and making a difference.

I am a work in progress in the area of love. I am grateful that God brought Gabrielle into my life and that she teaches me to be a better person.