The Story of How I Finally Came to Terms With My Sexuality

This post contains spoilers for Always Sunny in Philadelphia S13E10 — Mac Finds His Pride

I have written about my sexuality quite a bit. I have talked about how my internalised biphobia and growing up in a strict Christian household caused me a lot of confusion. I have also discussed why I technically never came out to my friends but I haven’t written about the moment that ended my denial.

There was a guy (Adam*) with whom I had a casual friends with benefits situation with — we would get high, eat food, Netflix and chill. So one evening when we had gotten together he mentioned that Always Sunny in Philadelphia (Always Sunny) had recently released their tenth season. I hadn’t seen it yet so he suggested we watch it while we ate pizza. I had zero complaints and when he asked which episode, I mentioned that I had heard good things about the finale.

For those who haven’t heard of the show, Always Sunny is an American sitcom created by Rob McElhenney and Glenn Howerton. Whom also star in it along with Charlie Day, Kaitlin Olson and Danny DeVito. The series follows the exploits and shenanigans of “The Gang,” a group of self-absorbed friends who run the Irish bar Paddy’s Pub in South Philadelphia.

The humour is pretty crude and the characters are horrible people and it is not the place to find representation yet Mac (played by Rob McElhenney)has always battled with his sexuality. It is hinted throughout the 10 seasons of the show that he is gay, but due to internal homophobia, toxic masculinity and his catholic faith, it is something he has always denied until recently.

Throughout the episode, Frank (Danny DeVito) is essentially trying to (unsuccessfully) recruit Mac for the gang’s float for the Gay Pride Parade; Frank soon realizes that Mac will never be secure with his sexual identity until he comes out to his father, who is in prison.

To cut a long story short, Mac puts on a five-minute interpretive dance for his dad and the rest of the prison inmates, under the disguise it’s a Blake Sheldon concert. Through the dance, Mac can express his lifetime of conflict with his sexuality in a two-person ballet to Varúð by Sigur Rós.

I don’t want to get into too much detail on what the dance sequence contained (I will link the video at the bottom instead) but the episode concluded with Mac’s father walking out halfway through the performance, thus openly rejecting his son in front of everyone. However, Mac keeps dancing despite this rejection and towards the end Frank starts crying, saying that he finally understands and sympathises with Mac’s identity and turmoil. The episode ends in a standing ovation from him and the other prisoners watching.

Now, it may have been because I was intoxicated but upon watching this I burst into tears and cried for at least ten minutes straight while Adam — confused — did all he could to console me. Though I couldn’t complete a coherent sentence at the time to explain to him why I was crying, in retrospect, it was because I saw myself in Mac’s story. Seeing the dance made me face just how much pain I had been putting myself through all these years from denying my bisexuality. Though I had left the church many years ago, I still unknowingly carried that religious guilt and doubt.

His dad walking out encapsulated the known rejection I was expecting from my family. However, Frank crying at the end made me realised that I had been harbouring a lot of fear when it came to coming out to my friends. Though they are all extremely tolerant and wonderful people, I was still terrified due to the rejection I expected from my family. The dance sequence, I feel, really captured the feeling of isolation and fear many of us in the LGBTQ+ community go through just by simply existing. And it made me realise that I had nothing to fear when it came to letting my friends know the real me.

Even now it is hard to put into words how watching the episode made me feel but all I can say is that I felt seen and I understood what was meant when people say: “it’s like a weight has been lifted.”

So I had wrestled with my sexuality for years due to my religion and internalised bi-phobia, even though my first kiss was with a girl. But sobbing in bed next to a man, I finally accepted my bisexuality.

I won’t lie, due to the stigma both bisexuality and borderline personality disorder get, I have days where I question just how gay I am. However, in times like those, I remind myself that sexuality is fluid. I put on Varúð by Sigur Rós and it takes me back to the moment I felt myself breathe for the first time in years.

ZUVA is an award-winning Leeds based spoken word artist, poet and freelance writer. Click here to join her weekly mail list to get her — Comprehensive Guide for True Beginners — Things I Wish I Knew Before Publishing My First Piece. It contains over 16 articles by 12 different authors on everything you need to know before publishing your first piece here.

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