Summary

The author grapples with intense emotions following a challenging week, initially mistaking their complex feelings for anger but ultimately realizing it's a manifestation of deeper fears and attachments to a certain vision of the future and set of beliefs.

Abstract

The article titled "The Story I Didn’t Publish" delves into the author's struggle with a tumultuous week that has left them feeling angry and frustrated. Despite efforts to alleviate these feelings through various means such as yoga, meditation, and even alcohol, the author finds solace in writing. Through introspection, they acknowledge that their anger is a veil for underlying disappointment, fear, sadness, and stress about the future and their beliefs. The author confronts their attachments to a future where life unfolds as planned, free from the threats of illness, safe for their family, and filled with adventure and love. They also hold dear a set of beliefs about human contracts, divine order, and the nature of love and life. However, the author recognizes the necessity of relinquishing these attachments and beliefs to move past anger and reconnect with their true self. By deleting an unpublished story filled with their negative emotions, the author experiences a momentary release from their burdens, finding peace in the present moment, despite the uncertainty of the future.

Opinions

The author initially misidentifies their complex emotions as anger, which is a surface reaction to deeper fears and insecurities.
They express a deep attachment to a specific vision of the future that includes safety, health, adventure, and love for themselves and their loved ones.
The author holds a set of beliefs centered around human contracts, divine order, and the intrinsic value of love and life.
They acknowledge the need to release all attachments to future visions and beliefs to transcend anger and emotional turmoil.
The act of deleting the unpublished story symbolizes the author's commitment to letting go of negative emotions and embracing the present.
The author finds inspiration in Martin Luther King, Jr.'s quote about choosing love

The Story I Didn’t Publish

What do you do with the anger?

It’s been a tough week — out There.

And I’ve been really pissed off.

I’ve tried breathing. I’ve tried yoga. I’ve tried meditation. Last night I even tried tequila. It didn’t help. Nothing helped.

So I wrote. I wrote all about The Anger. All. The. Things. I am so disappointed about. Frightened about. Sad about. Stressed about.

Because it’s not really anger at all — is it? Is it ever? When you stop and really exam it — anger is always the cover story. For a while there — I was pushing ‘righteous indignation’ to a new, higher level than I have in quite some time.

But none of us get to stand on this particular pedestal. And sure enough — way up at that altitude, I soon began to feel the dizziness of the thinner air and toppled down to earth again.

I am attached. Very attached to a certain future, it seems.

A future where Life is as I planned it.

A future where none of my friends become infected with the plague at work and die.

A future where nothing screws up my plans to retire and travel.

A future where my Best Friend and I go on glorious adventures and see All. The. Wonderous. Things.

A future where my family is safe, healthy, whole.

A future where I see my granddaughters whenever I choose.

A future that is safe, secure, happy, full of love. Blessed even.

I am also very attached to a certain set of beliefs.

Beliefs in contracts I hold with Humans/institutes/The Divine.

A belief that my employer will always provide me with the tools I need to be safe which allows me to take care of my patients in a moral and ethical manner.

A belief that no one dies before their time.

A belief that I am strong enough for These Days.

A belief that love is love is love.

A belief that life is an echo — you get what you give.

A belief that we are all one — there is no other.

And yet — to survive. To get past anger. To get to the root of all the emotions — I know I must let go of ALL attachments. Every. Single. Attachment. To any kind of vision of the future. To any belief of any kind.

I must let go of it all. I must let the future that is to come — simply come.

I must let my Now exist without explanation or scale. I cannot lay judgment upon anyone or thing existing in this place and time with me. I must only Be.

It is the only path past the anger. It is the only path through the disappointment, fear, stress, and sadness. It is the only path back to my true self.

As I hit delete on the story I didn’t publish — the one full of my poison, anger, and angst — I also deleted those emotions. At least temporarily. I felt the relief of laying the burden down. In real-time. For a time.

It may not be ok. But right now — in this moment — I’m alright.

Namaste.

“I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.” — Martin Luther King, Jr.