The State of Medium Address

[Edit: The following is the ”State of The Medium” speech delivered by the first Tribune, Gutbloom, before the Medium Senate.]

9:01 EDT

GUTBLOOM: Mx. Speaker, Vice President Cat Woman, members of the Senate, distinguished citizens, and fellow Medihumans: Every year, by law and by custom, we meet here to consider the state of the blogosphere. This year, we gather in this chamber deeply aware of our recent growth and opportunity.

(Applause)

Our blogosphere is strong. It is free. Our economy is recovering. The world is a safer place thanks to our efforts. The rich are prosperous. Children are performing better in school. Everyone is thinner. Ice cream tastes better. Race is no longer a problem. Mothers have stopped nagging. It’s easy to find a plumber.

(Applause)

Ooops. I apologize. That was from last year’s speech. I seem to have confused my notes.

(Applause)

Please hold your applause until the end. If there is one thing more objectionable than a speech full of empty rhetoric and delusional self-praise it is a speech full of empty rhetoric and delusional self-praise that is punctuated by partisan hand-clapping.

(Applause)

Recently we have had an influx of immigrants. The civil war over at Gawker, the new civility rules at Reddit, the moral bankruptcy of HuffPo, and the transformation of Buzzfeed into a site that provides quality news, have forced countless dispossessed bloggers and commenters to seek the soft sand of our Internet Lesbos.

Some of our citizens are concerned about the new migrants. There are those who fear troll infiltration and infestation. Others are upset that many of the newcomers are devotees of Mammon. I say, “Welcome, Wellkumma, Walkihundkhun¹” We have nothing to fear. When it comes to Internet refugees, we are the Germany of the blogosphere.

(At this point, one of Gutbloom’s aides whispered something to the Tribune about the German reaction to the New Year’s assaults)

Let me rephrase that. We here at Medium are like the Austria of the Internet.

(The same aide then whispered something about the four kilometer fence that recently went up on the Slovenian border.)

I mean to say that we are like good Germans when it comes to refugees.

(The same aide started gesturing dramatically and shouting something in Gutlboom’s ear. The Tribune then pushed the aide away.)

When I say “good Germans”, I don’t mean good Germans as in “tell the Gestapo the Jews are hiding in the attic”, Germans, I mean like “non-jay-walking, SAP integrating, long-haired footballers who have ample personal savings accounts and can rock a drndl dress and ugly sandals” Germans. Do I make myself clear?

(Silence)

Allow me to return to my prepared remarks. I know there is some concern about collections, publications, bigfeet, monetization, self-help articles, and listicles.

I shall endeavor to address these concerns in reverse order. Using this prepared card that you can download from my website after I get done talking ².

1. [listicles] There are at least eight good reasons why you should be reading listicles (this is called the recursive listicle, and though it’s not really recursive, the geeksplaining comments from programmers will be.)
2. [self-help articles] Sỳn Athēnâi kaì kheîra kinei. (“Along with Athena, move also your hand” or “God helps those who help themselves”). There’s nothing wrong with a little self-help, especially at night, with the lights off, if you don’t make noise. As soon as humans could write they started giving out advice. I have a cuneiform tablet that translates; “Get up before the sun, make a list in the mud, and dare to disrupt the sledge drivers by making a better wheel.”
3. [Monetization] Don’t worry about making money. Be a soul blogger instead. That way you can’t be sued for stealing ideas from others. For example, most of what I write is stolen from Chinese Gutbloom. The joke is on him. You can’t get blood from a stone, Chinese Gutbloom, even if you do have an uncle in the Communist party who controls the international court in Hefei. I would write that in Mandarin, but Chinese Gutbloom writes better English than I do.
4. [Bigfeet] Here, there be pros. The new publications are chock-o-block full of media ringers with 6K followers who threaten to push us, the creative underclass, out of the kiddie pool. When you are a cub reporter and your reporting gets subsumed into someone else’s article, they say you have been “bigfooted.” We are being bigfooted. Suddenly we have all sorts of real life shops and magazines with whom we must compete for mindshare. Here is my advice:

(At this point the Tribune removed a flask from his pocket and drank from it. He then stared at the audience for a long time before saying…)

I got nothing. Maybe someone will write a self-help article about this topic.

(Applause)

We are still in the spring of Medium. The experiment is freshly joined. Perhaps we can yet carve out a small space to read, write, comment and share the unremarkable details of our undisrupted but never stable lives.

(Silence)

Thank you. May the gods bless you and our fair blogosphere. Keep writing.

¹ “Welcome” in Trollish

² There is no website and you can’t find a keynote, .pdf, powerpoint, or google slides presentation of the remarks. The Tribune always says that the materials can be downloaded so that reporters don’t bother to record what he is saying and then use his own words to inform their “gotcha” journalism and law suits.