The Spider Consciousness

Awakening inside the bathroom

Me: Shit. WTF.

Mother: What happened? Why are you shouting there?

Me: Nothing mom, we got an invader.

Mother: What? Where? Inside your pathetic bathroom?

Me: It’s not the time to put me down, mom. I gotta finish this little bastard here.

Mother: Hmm, spider or cockroach? Or…

Me: Spider.

Mother: Oh. Thank God, not snake.

Time for Spider to join the conversation

Me: How dare you enter my bathroom?

Spider: What? I entered with my legs. Can’t you see? I got 6 legs more than you. It isn’t that difficult.

Me: You can talk too?

Spider: Yes, of course.

Me: Mom, this thing can talk but only arrogantly…

Spider: Stop calling your mom for everything. What do you want? And why are you shouting?

Me: Why? I am going to kill you right now.

Spider: Wait. Why would you have to kill me?

Me: Because I do not like my bathroom to be dirty being filled with creatures like you.

Spider: Surely that must be a joke.

Me: What joke?

Spider: I mean, c’mon, just look all over your bathroom and show me an inch of space where it looks clean.

Me: Yeah, right. But that does not mean you can invade my space.

Spider: I was completely wrong.

Me: What do you mean?

Spider: I thought you were an insect lover.

Me: Insect lover? My ass.

Spider: I thought it was out of love for other creatures that you maintained your bathroom in this manner. I was wrong. You are just another lazy man.

Me: Quiet, please.

Spider: Don’t worry. Your mother won’t hear me.

Me: Okay. Then continue.

Spider: Unlike you, we, spiders, are like programmed robots who do not have a choice but to find favorable spaces and build our web. And thanks to your insect-loving nature. Shit, I must kill myself for believing that you were one such lover.

Me: Okay enough shaming me. Now, what shall we do?

Spider: Nothing doing. You will finish your bath and leave. I live here.

Me: Hmm.

Spider: I was just kidding. I will leave.

Me: Really?

Spider: Yeah, but wait, it is not yet time for you to celebrate.

Me: Hmm. Then what?

Spider: First of all, I want to make sure that you are serious. I want to see your cleaning skills.

Me: You wouldn’t leave unless I clean?.

Spider: No way. Do one thing. First of all, clean all the other spaces in your bathroom, and let me see how you maintain it for a couple of days, and then if I am convinced I will leave.

Me: And then you will leave forever?

Spider: Are you an idiot? No living beings live forever.

Me: I mean leave. L E A V E.

Spider: Oh. Alright. Maybe. I do not want other insects to be fooled into thinking that you are an insect lover and waste away their hard work on building up their habitat. Do you have any idea how difficult it was for me to find a suitable place and build my web? And what do you do? Just come and destroy it so ignorantly? You were mindlessly using your bathroom all this time and suddenly upon noticing me, you behave like a righteous asshole.

Me: Okay. Sorry. It’s my mistake. I will clean it all.

Spider: Good.

Me: And you will never come back, right?

Spider: You better hope that I would not come back. So keep it cleaned, both your head and bathroom.

Me: OMG.

Spider: Did you say something?

Me: No. I was saying, “I will clean it now.”

Spider: Oh. I am waiting.

Me: Like right now, right?

Spider: Yeah, that’s what you said.

Me: Right right. Shit.