#MWC SPACE
The Space Between My Ears
Fueling it with what lives in the space around my heart
For many years, the space between my ears was a vicious place. A space of self-doubt. A space of self-flagellation. I struggled with perfectionism. Anytime I didn’t live up to what I expected of myself, I’d beat myself up with nasty thoughts.
And not the Janet Jackson fun kinda nasty thoughts.
There’s nothing quite like a divorce to dismantle the guise of perfectionism. The humbling effects of my divorce forced me to face the truth that the space of my marriage resembled the hardness of grey-blue slate more than the soft fuzziness of a summertime peach. Stripping away the cloak of perfectionism left me feeling naked and exposed.
Some say it’s events like these that bring us to our knees. But I’d say it brought my whole body to the ground in the hope that the earth beneath me would give way and that I’d be absorbed into its darkness. I just wanted to become as small as possible. Maybe then the pain would become smaller too.
In the midst of my divorce, I left our 2,000 square foot home and moved into a 500 square foot apartment. Its tinyness allowed me to only bring what I needed and what mattered most. The space felt cozy. It comforted me.
But at the same time, being removed from my marriage and all the trimmings and trappings of my former home forced me to face my flaws and missteps. In that small sparse space, my failings had no place to hide. I felt a strong nudge to pause and reevaluate my life.
At first, I resisted what the pause was asking of me. On many days, all I wanted to do was go to work, eat and sleep. But resisting wasn’t going to make it go away. I had to sit in the space of this pause.
And in time, this pause began to feel like a space between the notes of a song. A space between breaths. A space where the nasty thoughts in my head paused for just a moment and allowed what lives in the space around my heart to creep in.
A space of kindness. A space that appreciates simple things. A space where gratitude resides. A space where love lives.
A space where transformation happens.
The space between my ears was cracking open to allow love for myself to move in and reside.
And as it settled in, I came to a place of acceptance. Acceptance of my flaws and missteps. Acceptance of my failings. Acceptance of who I am and where I am.
I realized then how unhealthy it was for me to feed the space between my ears with attempts at perfection. I came to see that perfectionism isn’t just unattainable, it’s also undesirable.
For in it, there’s no space for improvement. For growth. For change. For empathy. For compassion.
And in trying to be perfect, I focused my attention on all that I’m not rather than seeing all that I am.
This space of acceptance and self-love is beautifully summed up in the following encouraging words of John Welwood,
“Forget about enlightenment. Sit down wherever you are and listen to the wind that is singing in your veins. Feel the love, the longing, and the fear in your bones. Open your heart to who you are, right now, not who you would like to be. Not the saint you’re striving to become. But the being right here before you, inside you, around you. All of you is holy. You’re already more and less than whatever you can know. Breathe out, look in, let go.”
As I continue to feed the space between my ears with what lives in the space around my heart, I feel the goodness in me. That I’m okay. That I’m worthy. That I’m fine just the way I am. In this space, I find peace. Compassion. Grace.
It’s been said the greatest love of all is learning to love yourself.
And it’s true. Learning to love myself has become the best fuel to feed the space between my ears.
kasey sparks, © 2021
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