The Sobbing Clown
Every spring the circus used to come to my village to entertain the young and old for a few days. I have always enjoyed watching the lions and elephants running around the circus. All the public would applaud loudly at the show. Among all, the performance of Zapato the clown was the most entertaining.
Zapato was a small man full of energy, smiling and often sharing a contagious laugh. He got his nickname “Zapato” from his large feet. These uncommon feet combined with his unique haircut gave him an evident comic look. Still, it’s his terrific attitude that made him so popular. He was a role model of happiness for me and I admired him for all his positive energy.
One morning, as I passed by the circus, I found him seated on a blue bench silently crying. I only knew Zapato laughing and smiling, so I was very surprised to see him whimpering. I had no clue about what to do.
After a long minute listening to his sobs, I came closer and sat next to him. At first, he didn’t realize that I was there. It’s only after a few sobs that he raised his head and saw me. His face was unhappy, his eyes a bit red and wet. His hair was not organized in a comic way but fell sadly on his shoulder.
“Don’t look at me like this,” he complained, “have you never seen a miserable clown?”
I couldn’t answer, I was too surprised by his emotionless tone and cold expression.
“People usually see me as an eternal happy thing with a simple mind, but I am not. I have down times too. To be honest, I am down and sad most of the time. On stage I only play a role, the role of a happy sympathetic clown.”
I was shocked by his revelation. My role model just told me that he was the opposite of the happy human being I admired for years. I was speechless.
“Everybody believe that I am a jovial extravert, but the truth is that I am only playing a role on stage every evening. People never takes me seriously because of this, I am tired of it. I want people to look at me as a whole human and not as a funny clown.”
“Is that why you are sad today?” I inquired.
“I’ve been depressed for a long time. This feeling makes up for all the time I have to look happy.”
I nodded. Life is not as simple as it seems for a happy-looking person.
“To be honest, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel sad deep inside. I spend all my mornings weeping at the entrance of my tent. Not glorious…” Zapato sighted and looked down at his large feet. “Every evening, I am hiding behind the mask of a naïve and clumsy clown to make children and adults laugh at my sketches.”
We are all wearing different masks in our life, I thought. Still, under the masks lay a sensible person with his deep hidden fears. It’s very rare to see someone without any mask. Even parents, life partners, and friends can only see the masks of their sons, loved ones, and friends. Our relationships are only masks dancing on the stage of life.
It’s only alone in a room that one takes off the disguise and looks straight at oneself. The reflection in the mirror of oneself can be scary and bring inexplicable tears. It’s uncommon to surprise anyone in such reflection but this morning, it happened. I caught Zapato in a moment of vulnerability. This was a precious moment that only a few can witness.
“You should get a new job,” I proposed.
“Making people happy is the only thing I know. I only know how to smile and make others laugh. Even when I am sad or anxious, I smile and make jokes for others to laugh and be happy. People expect me to be cheerful like this, now I can’t get out of my role because people wouldn’t understand. Who expects a clown to cry?
“People would understand if you are unhappy sometimes. They will even come to you and try to understand what’s wrong. People are nice.”
“People are impatient and egoistic,” he cut me off. “They have their own shit to manage. When a clown is not here to cheer them up, they are annoyed. People don’t like to find ways to forget their problems and smile.”
Everything felt silent like to give a dramatic overtone to his words. The right words didn’t come in my mind to explain to him how wrong he was about people. Human beings are more likely to be good with you than harm you. They like to support each other.
“Choose three persons,” I suggested, “whenever you feel unwell, go to talk with them. You only need three human beings to have deep relationships with and all your problems can be solved. These three souls can be friends, part of your family or even complete strangers. You need only three human beings to trust. You need three persons who will listen to your problems with attention. You can be yourself with these people, you can be the sad clown you have always been deep inside.”
Zapato stayed silent looking down to his large shoes.
“I can be the first one,” I proposed.
After some hesitation, Zapato finally accepted me as one of his confident. One of the privileged persons who would be able to see the face under the happy mask. This face was not always a sad face, sometimes it was a nostalgic face, a worried face or a neutral face.
I was very grateful to be able to talk with Zapato without his mask. He was in fact a very deep person, with various problems which already haunted him for years. He was sensitive and could talk a lot about his feelings. I enjoyed listening to him. It was for me a time of relaxation when I could forget my own problems and focus on being a good listener.
These sessions were like drama acts. I would wear my mask of empathetic listener while Zapato would wear a mask full of vulnerability.
At the end, there is a vulnerable person behind each laughing clown. A human being who needs an ear to be listened to and a shoulder to sob peacefully.