The Small Stuff — why is it so difficult to deal with the “Small Stuff” in our relationships?

Yesterday I had a bad day. I felt my life really does not have a purpose any longer.

Here in the Dominican Republic — the area in which we currently live — the power goes out for four hours supposedly at regular times. That would be fine with me. I can plan for it. But I have to expect that these regular times get switched without any notification. So I have to be ready for that any time. I have to make sure we have water saved in containers, phone batteries including backup batteries are charged. I am surprised that it really does not bother me. I have made all the necessary arrangements and the interruption to my daily routine is minimal. THEN WHY do I have such a difficult time to deal with other much smaller annoyances?

For example yesterday, nothing I tried to accomplish got done. Phone calls did not get returned and so on. Everything irritated me even the smallest things. Do you ever have days when you start to think it would have been better not even to get out of bed? I got extremely frustrated.

It seems we get upset the most about the mundane stuff because we don’t have anything else to worry about. I was crying. I just wanted to die. Then I watched a documentary about the opioid crisis. Many seniors — people over 60 are dying on an opioid overdose. I can understand; I can relate. Then I remembered to talk to God about it. Immediately I felt better. I knew right away that my problem — our problem is basically too much thinking about ourselves.

What changes can I make right now? Of course, there is my writing. But what about making changes in my relationship with my husband? There are so many small things that are causing problems. — Well, just listen to that — small things are causing the problem? — How ridiculous that sounds!

Why is it that the small stuff causes so much turmoil in our relationships? I believe it is because we pay more attention to our thoughts and emotions when something really significant happens. Then we turn to God for help — we pray sincerely, we use resources. In our everyday lives, we don’t pay much attention to our thoughts and emotions.

But this does not come naturally in our daily life. Our default thinking is — this and that should not happen because it annoys or upsets us. Then we think WE should not be annoyed about small stuff and we get even more annoyed. What is the key to change? How can we come to a place within us where we truly live for others and we naturally connect to the source of joy and peace within us. Even without prayer — because this is what God’s original motivation at the creation was: — Giving and forgetting what was given — unconditionally — this is how we can feel God’s love; his presence within us — peace, clarity, joy.

Even psychology has caught on to this principle. “The key to happiness is to live for others”. Many scientific studies have been done in the last few decades and many of these results can be found in the book “Happy for No Reason” by Marci Shimoff. Studies of people living a long and happy life have been done and the overall conclusion is that: — No matter what kind of tragedies or different situations people had to go through in their lives — a life of unconditional giving is the key to lasting happiness. Yet our society has as the default thinking which is the exact opposite.

My family lives in Europe and most everyone in Austria has a comfortable lifestyle. Yet everyone has something to complain about. This habit is so engrained — people don’t realize it. When I visited my family a few years ago in Austria I heard of a few suicides people we knew committed. And they are increasing. People need to drink, use drugs in order to numb themselves.

I am keenly aware of this principle — living for the sake of others — from my own experience. But still, I habitually fall back into self-centered thinking. Fortunately, this does not last long since I have experienced the benefit of “Living for the sake of others” often enough to know without a doubt that this is the way to live a truly happy and fulfilled life regardless of what occupation one has — whether rich or poor.

Recently I came across a video by Rick Warren; Saddleback Church called “How to resolve conflict” and he talks about how to overcome getting so easily annoyed about small stuff and do great damage to our relationships with our families or people at work. I highly recommend listening to it. Of course, it is based on the bible. The amazing thing is that people have dealt with the same issues throughout history. Whether one has any religious belief or not it is very practical and he talks about his own experiences which I believe anyone can relate to.

One particular point he made jumped out at me:

Focus on reconciliation, not the resolution is the key — re-establishing the relationship; bury the hatchet — focusing on resolutions is not always realistic. But often once you fix the relationship the issues become insignificant.

There seems to be this inner drive or urge that is always looking for something to be upset about, to criticize — WHAT is this? WHY or HOW can it be changed to a different type of motor? An emotional engine that will look automatically for things to be grateful for, for the good in everything, which is present and therefore can be found.

How can we create effective boundaries, so we won’t be affected as much by people around us who are not at peace with themselves and the world around them — who will continue complaining, criticizing? — And as we know all too well — these types of emotions are quite contagious. What can we do so we won’t be affected by it?

We need to learn and get into the habit of turning on the right switch that connects to the right source — The source of love, peace within us. This switch is called Gratitude. And once we are filled with these emotions of Joy and Peace — nothing can upset or annoy us!