The Sins of a Father
Rebuilding relationships one brick at a time
In 1998, I went to prison, leaving behind 3 daughters and a son. Mellisa, Monica, and Lauren were ages 16,15, and 6 respectively, and James was 9. All 4 were left with many unanswered questions and broken hearts — each dealing with the embarrassment, shame, and loss in their own way. Their mother brought them to see me a couple of times during that first year, but it would be at least 15 years until I would see any of them again.
My children and I were very close prior to my arrest and incarceration — always playing, singing, and cutting up together. My son had even been going to work with me on weekends from the time he was 2 years old, so it was especially difficult for him to understand why his dad was no longer around. My masonry company was James Oliver Dempsey & Son Masonry, and he would take business cards to school and show them to his friends and teachers, pointing at the word Son and saying:
See that, that’s me!
As I write this, my face is wet with tears of shame and regret, but they are mixed with tears of gratitude for a universe that has seen fit to allow me another opportunity to be a father — because I’ve worked hard to earn that chance.*
Fast forward almost 26 years, and as you can see from the photos, I was blessed to share a recent weekend working with my son who is now 34- years-old. This was our first time working together since he was 9, and if you’ve ever struggled believing in the concept of “life comes full circle,” consider this: When I left for prison, I was the same age as my son is now.
I wonder if you can imagine the emotions that flowed before, during, and after that blissful day? To give you some perspective, it was not an easy job due to bending and kneeling all day, but for my son and I, it was not like a work day at all! We discovered that we share a similar work ethic, and that we communicate and work very well together. We were having fun — something that neither of us have experienced much of for a very long time.
As this final photo shows, the brick patio that we built together begins with a short path and opens into a larger expanse — a metaphor that was not lost on either of us. We talked often that day of “beginning with the first brick” and “keeping the courses straight to avoid problems.” With both of us rebuilding our lives after bouts with substance abuse, prison, and torn relationships, it was a proud day indeed to hear my son “get” the metaphor.
As of now, James and I have commitments with our respective employers until August of this year — and we intend to keep them. Can you guess what happens in September?
Dear Medium Family,
Thanks for letting me share this with you, and please know that I appreciate more than words that you allow me to process the hurting and the healing with you. I have many more bricks to lay on the path back to my family, but I am so grateful that the first course is set, tamped, and solid!
Sincerely,
J Oliver Dempsey
*As a footnote: Several paragraphs back, I made reference to being grateful to a Universe that has allowed me another chance to be a dad, but then I followed it up with a self-deprecating remark about not deserving that opportunity…The truth is, I do deserve that chance, and I’ve edited this piece to reflect that. (Thanks to Liberty Forrest for reminding me to be mindful of my automatic tendency toward believing the old tapes. It’s time to make new ones.)
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