The Single Most Important Lesson of My Life

Sometimes, it takes everything falling apart for it to come together.

I was 28 years old when I first came to the realization that somehow, things had gone very wrong for me.

I didn’t yet have the faculties to understand just how dire my situation was, but at very least I knew I was suffering from a failure to launch.

It was 2001. After a series of poor employment decisions, I was still living in my parents’ house in Thousand Oaks, CA — less than a mile from the hospital where I was born. I couldn’t afford to leave, and wouldn’t know what to do if I actually did.

My life as a whole was broken. Nothing worked. My love life was a disaster. If I managed to go on a date, as soon as the poor girl realized I was living with my folks, it was over. There was nowhere you could go from there.

My self-esteem — hell, my entire self-concept was shattered. I was getting nowhere. Everyone else was moving up in the world, and I was flailing.

I had to get out of that house. That disgusting, festering, rat nest was as neglected as I was, and I had to escape. Everything else would come after, somehow. But I had to get out if I wanted my life to begin.

But how?

How could I get out? Rent an apartment? Who would rent to me? I had no rental history and no money in the bank for a deposit and first and last month’s rent. Not to mention money for furnishings. Or food.

Meanwhile, everything I read pointed to the fact that real estate prices were on the rise. Every year, properties were getting less and less affordable. If it was hard to get in now, it would be even more difficult a year from now.

It was a tough situation, and getting tougher by the day.

So I started imagining different scenarios.

IF I could somehow manage to find a bank that would give me a loan for a three-bedroom condo, and IF I found two roommates to help with the mortgage, not only would I pay less this way than if I rented an apartment, I would get a foothold in the real estate game.

I had a lot going against me. I didn’t have a lot of expendable cash. I had a good job, but I also had a hefty car payment. But I had great credit and I found a lender that would finance. All I needed was to get a down payment together. A lender suggested that I ask a family member for the down payment, as this was the preferred strategy for first-time buyers.

I got my father to agree to lend me the money for the down payment, on the condition that I save up enough money for closing costs — about $5,000.

Saving $5,000 in three months (my target date) would be a challenge, but it was doable. From that point forward, I cut out every expense in my life. Things got tight. No more going to the movies. No more eating at restaurants. No entertainment, whatsoever.

Wake up. Go to work. Come home.

That’s it. For three months.

You want to talk about lean? How cheap could I do lunch? Well, Costco had the hot dog and drink combo for $1.50. I couldn’t really beat that. Try to imagine 3 months of hot dogs and sodas.

I was determined.

“I will not be stopped,” I thought to myself. “I will find a way. Even if I have to do it alone.”

In 2 and a half months, I saved the $5,000. I immediately went house hunting and found a condo in nearby Newbury Park that actually exceeded my expectations. I put in an offer that was instantly accepted, and I was in escrow.

I was ecstatic… and scared as hell. In a month, my new life would begin… and I had no idea what I was doing.

All went well as I breezed through the home buying process. Inspection, appraisal, everything went as smoothly as I could hope for. I sent all the documents to the lender, and things looked pretty solid since I had the down payment taken care of.

And then…

Two weeks before closing, my father suddenly changed his mind about helping with the down payment. Perhaps he didn’t think I was serious, or maybe he didn’t think it would actually happen, but once it became apparent that we were heading toward the closing table, he got cold feet and backed out.

I was crushed. I had worked so hard on this, all for naught.

Try as I might, there was nothing I could do to convince him to keep his promise. I even offered to split the profits with him upon me selling the condo. It didn’t matter. He changed his mind, and that was that.

I was incredibly furious. How could he disrespect me like that? Did he not care how this impacted me? And he’s just going to get away with it?

Was my only option to let this get taken away from me? Or was there anything I could do about it?

My anger and hurt boiled over. But rather than let it consume me, I dug deep and came back ready to fight even harder.

“I will not be stopped,” I thought to myself. “I will find a way. Even if I have to do it alone.”

Determined, I started talking to lenders again. I got on the phone and called every bank I could find.

It was heartbreaking. I saw my opportunity slipping away. Nobody wanted to lend to me under these circumstances, and time was running out. It felt as though the universe was conspiring against me.

The more rejection I faced, the more stubborn I became.

At the last minute, I found a lender who would finance 100% — at a 9.375% interest rate, which would increase my monthly payment by $500. It was ridiculous, and it would be tight. But it could be done.

I had come too far to give up now.

But this was not the way I planned. Everything was screwed up. I’d have no extra money, and if anything went wrong, if a roommate decided to move out, if the refrigerator died and needed to be replaced, I’d be screwed. I would always be one paycheck away from disaster, and that was not a good feeling to have hanging over your head.

It was a tough decision to make, but it was time to grow up. I would take responsibility for my life no matter what happened.

I couldn’t control the circumstances. But I was taking ownership of my life. Whatever happens, it’s all on me. Win or lose, rise or fall, this was mine. Bear the consequences or reap the rewards — it’s on me and me alone.

Burn the boats. There’s no going back.

With all the courage I could muster, and nobody to bail me out if I failed, I took control of my destiny, and signed my life away.

That was the moment that defined my life.

Looking back from the other side of it some 20 years later, I had no idea just how big the moment was.

I moved into the condo with a roommate in late April 2001. Desperate to find a second roommate, a 21-year-old kid finally answered my ad and took the room.

He would become my best friend and the greatest influence in my life.

A few months later, 9/11 happened.

America went to war. The world seemed to change overnight. I worked for a defense contractor, and things suddenly got very busy. The company sent me to Tampa, FL for a year to support the project. I rented out my bedroom while I was gone, so the place was cash-flowing.

All the while, interest rates plummeted, and housing prices skyrocketed.

I came back in early 2003, and sold the condo for $70,000 more than I bought it for.

It was the beginning of my real estate journey. From there, I bought a nice single-family house in nearby Moorpark which I held for two years and sold once again for a tremendous profit.

Over the years, I continued scaling up, to the point where I started a small property rental business with multiple single-family homes, and then scaled again to a 24 unit apartment complex last year. Now that I’ve increased rents and lowered expenses on that one, as of this writing I am in the process of scaling up once again by buying another apartment.

Every penny I used to build my real estate business came from that first condo — from that single decision to take responsibility for my life.

Since that day, I held the sole power to determine the course of my life.

Your power comes from responsibility. When you take responsibility for your life, you hold the power. And when you hold the power, you control your destiny.

There will be moments in your life when everything will go wrong. People will betray your trust and leave you hanging. People you depend on will turn their backs on you when you need them the most.

It’s the most soul-crushing thing in the world, but no matter what happens, you must take responsibility for your life and everything that happens to you.

Whatever happened might not have been your fault. What they did to you sucks. And now you’re stuck with the burden of cleaning up the mess.

Every promise broken, every betrayal, every act of poor character, It’s on you. It’s not fair, but it falls on you.

Blaming others for what they did to you isn’t going to get the problem handled. Owning the situation and taking the responsibility to get it handled is the only thing that will.

So when you find yourself in this situation, stand back up, take a deep breath, and tell yourself “This is mine, and mine alone. I take responsibility for what happens to me.”

Your power comes from responsibility. When you take responsibility for your life, you hold the power. And when you hold the power, you control your destiny.

Once you learn this lesson, you will own your life and you will not be affected by the whims of others. They can never impact you again.