The Single Most Definite Sign That You’re Finally Ready For A Beautiful Long-term Relationship
According to self-love advocate and author of Wired For Self-love who has manifested this type of relationship
There’s one and only one thing that will determine the fate of your relationship — the existence of it as well as its beauty and longevity.
What is the one thing? Tell us already.
When I was growing up, I watched how my father remained calm as my mother complained about stuff. I never saw them argue. It was usually my mother who was upset while my dad tried to reason with her. He never tried to overpower the conversation.
Here’s what I learned (and implement in my relationships) :
When one person is angry or upset, the other must remain calm. Because when emotions take over someone, they cannot think straight. The logical mind shuts down. It is no use to reason with someone when they are upset because in that moment they have no capacity to listen to anyone. Their mind is looking to resolve that emotion. If they pose no danger, it’s okay to be around them, witness them, not respond and not take anything they say personally.
Witness someone’s emotions without reacting, and pause before responding.
Here’s the thing. Witnessing someone’s negative emotions towards you without responding is not easy. It takes a lot of courage on your part to not react. It takes a lot of patience and practice to understand that what’s been said it’s not about you. It’s quite often a projection of the other person’s thoughts.
Meditation
One of the most life-changing endeavors that you’ll ever go on is a journey of self-study through witnessing your own thoughts and emotions. Meditation helps you truly understand yourself through understanding your thoughts and emotions. This happens due to the slowing down of your breath and in effect the slowing down of your thoughts. Once your thoughts slow down, you can witness them unconditionally, and let them go.
Doing this is valuable because once you can do this for yourself, all you do is rinse and repeat. But this gives you the strength to witness others in the same unconditional light.
Imagine holding that unconditional space for your partner. Imagine them holding that space for you!
Now you can have a conversation about anything and everything. Because you will not feel judged by your partner and you won’t judge them either. Can you imagine how much pressure is off both of you? You could agree to disagree on something without it becoming a problem in your relationship.
Talk About Everything
According to Insider.com and VerilyMag, couples avoid talking about intimacy, finances and parenting (if they have children) among other things. One of the reasons relationships suffer is due to lack of communication. Not talking about things is like ignoring the elephant in the room. It has negative consequences. By talking about things, you avoid the problem from getting bigger as well as work out solutions to those problems.
Emotional Safety
When two people feel safe, loved and accepted in a relationship, their relationship flourishes. The love between the couple keeps growing deeper and deeper. For this to work, each person has to hold themselves responsible. Meaning they are responsible for how they feel. There’s no room for blame. Each person holds their own in a conversation. Each person communicates how they feel. Each person follows up on what they say they will do, saying what they mean, meaning what they say and holding themselves accountable. Now two emotionally balanced adults can have a relationship in which open communication is front and foremost.
Holding space (being present) to an emotion provides it room to resolve.
Only once you’re able to hold space for yourself can you do the same for another person.
Practice Active Listening
Without cultivating the ability to listen deeply to yourself through meditation, it is very hard to zip your mouth, and simply listen to someone for the sake of listening. Listening requires whole body presence, not just your ears. When you do this right, it will be a most beautiful experience for the other person. People want to feel heard and seen. Deep, whole body listening without interruption and taking time to respond is one of the kindest things two humans can do for each other. When this happens, the other person feels safe, heard, seen and loved. This gift is rarer than rare.
How Jeff Helps Jane Feel Better
Jane was getting back home after an exhausting day at the office. She got almost run over by a kid riding his bike on the pavement below her apartment. She screamed “Watch where you’re going kid!” with her hand on her head as she entered her building. She unlocks the door to her apartment and noticed Jeff’s socks left on the floor next to the couch. The TV was turned one but there was no one in the living room. Jeff was in the kitchen looking for something to eat.
“Why are your socks on the floor? Why don’t you put the milk right back in the fridge after you’re done? Why do I have to keep reminding you of everything?” — Jane stormed in to the kitchen and was fuming.
Jeff: “Whoa, what happened honey? Can I get you something?”
Jane: “Don’t ask me to calm down! Why don’t you put things right where they belong after you’re done with them?”
Jeff: “Come here.”
He wraps his arms around Jane. “Tell me, are you okay? What happened? I’m listening.”
Jane tells him every little detail about the day — her argument with the annoying colleague who takes pleasure in one-upping her, her trying to finish today’s deadline almost knocking coffee all over herself and her desk, thank goodness the papers didn’t get stained and she managed to submit her work a minute before deadline. And almost getting run over by a kid on his bike when all she wanted to do was get home and be with Jeff. And then seeing Jeff’s socks on the floor, the television on that no one was watching…. the milk on the kitchen counter..
Jane on the verge of tears: “I’m sorry I’m so exhausted. I’m sorry I lost it on you.”
Jeff still hugging her: “It’s okay honey! Sshhh, you’ve had a very long day. Why don’t I pick up my socks first…”
Jane: (Laughs through her tears)
Jeff: “…fix us quick dinner and give your neck and shoulders a nice rub?”
Jane: “I’d love that. Thank you.”
Notice that Jeff is not affected by Jane’s upset or her shouting at him. He’s not phased by the emotion in her words, therefore he doesn’t react. He is grounded and present to her.
In conclusion
Do you think you can hold space for another human? Allow them to speak while you simply listen? Can you do that even when you are upset? Can you communicate without blame? Can you own your feelings? Being able to do this is true mastery over your emotions. Our relationships are a scared space to express ourselves. You can honor yourself as well as the other person.
As you practice this and achieve a level of mastery over your emotions, that’s the single most definite sign that you’re finally ready for a beautiful long-term relationship in which you grow and evolve to be more of you.
Thank you for your time. You can binge read my dating and relationships articles here:
Here’s a checklist that helps you understand if you’re ready for a relationship.
Thank you to the editors at New Writers Welcome.
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