How You Can Deepen Your Relationship With One Simple Technique

Make this a part of your daily routine!

Partner 1 (P1): “Did you have dinner yet?”

Partner 2 (P2): “No.”

P1: “Do you want to eat chicken tonight?”

P2: “Sure.”

P1: “With salad and rice?”

P2: “Yes.”

P1: “Can you grill the chicken while I make the salad and rice?”

P2: “Yeah.”

This is a pretty typical evening conversation in my home. Does it sound familiar to you?

Everyone’s tired. The day’s work is finished. Everyone is hungry. We all want to eat something but we need to coordinate the details for it to happen. It makes sense to ask brief questions focused on the specifics that will enable swift action. Our bellies are grumbling, after all.

But what happens after the meal has been cooked and eaten, and the dishes cleaned and put away?

There are the obvious answers; maybe some Nexflix or the after-dinner bath and bedtime routine for the kids. Maybe you have a glass of wine and some well deserved social media scroll time.

But what would happen if Netflix, wine, and social media went on the back burner for 30 minutes while you committed to spending quality time with your partner instead?

How do you think that would feel?

Where could that lead the relationship?

And that’s how it is done! These are examples of the subtle power of open-ended questions: the simplest technique to deepen relationships. This technique is best utilized during quality downtime, but the technique itself is what you do with that time. Specifically, what type of questions you ask.

Put more bluntly, I am talking about the difference between communicating about cooking dinner vs. exploring your partner’s thoughts and emotional landscape. Both are vital for their own reasons but yield different experiences of a relationship.

The conversation above, where Partner 1 asked specific questions to enable dinner to be efficiently cooked, used a skillset most attributed to productivity. Partner 1 asked closed-ended questions to get dinner on the table. This type of inquiry is helpful to narrow down choices, eliminate options, and make quick decisions.

These closed questions typically elicit a yes or no answer that helps structure conversation in a particular manner for the desired outcome. This is a valuable skill. It would be difficult to get anything accomplished, at home or work, without asking closed-ended questions.

However, when the daily conversation between partners mainly consists of closed-ended questions, it’s not uncommon for some of the magic to disappear. Both partners may be left wanting more, without knowing why. They may not realize they could be communicating on a deeper level.

Using the above conversation as an example, those two partners just had a conversation about dinner, so they obviously know they talk to each other. Yet, if their conversations never go further than coordinating daily specifics, they may start to feel something is missing. They may feel a little empty. They’re missing a particular richness that comes from being curious about and engaged in each others’ lives.

Open-ended questions are here to help.

Let’s pick up where we left off, deciding between an after-dinner binge of Tiger King or a relaxed conversation with your loved one. Imagine, for tonight, you chose the conversation.

The setting is integral. Let’s say you both agree to put away all devices. Then you sit down across from each other and spend 15–30 minutes asking, and answering, questions like:

“What was your favorite part of the day?”

“How was your lunch meeting?”

“What’s happening with that big project?”

“Where did you and the kids go this morning?”

“Who’s contacted you about that proposal?”

“How do you feel about the potential promotion next month?”

“What kind of weekend are you hoping to have?”

“How do you want to celebrate our anniversary this year?”

These are open-ended questions that warrant more than a mere “yes” or “no” response. Hopefully, you and your partner will feel invited to elaborate and give more detailed accounts to one another. You will also have to think about what you say. You will reflect on your respective days with a critical lens, or evaluate your emotions with regards to the future, and come up with a substantive answer.

Such an answer will help deepen your understanding of the other’s experience. This type of questioning also communicates curiosity, showing that your loved one is more interesting to you than that next episode of Tiger King.

(Not to say that watching Tiger King together can’t deepen your relationship but on the overall “relationship enhancing” ladder, let’s assume Tiger King is on the rung below “connecting with your partner”.)

While the technique of asking open-ended questions is simple, it comes with parameters for it to work. You must stay engaged during the conversation. You have to listen, you must maintain in contact with your partner (that means don’t sneak a single phone scroll!), and you ought to be genuine.

If you can’t focus on your partner’s sharing, then maybe you are someone who needs to decompress from the day alone before connecting with others. Perhaps there is a solitary activity you need, first, before you’re able to be fully present for your partner. And that is ok too! Just figure out what works for both of you. Every couple is unique.

The most important part of this practice is the quality and curiosity of the open-ended questions asked and your genuine interest in the answer. So ask questions that expand the conversation rather than narrow it:

“How does it feel when…?”

“What are you looking forward to …?”

“When are you planning to….?”

“Who did you go with…?”

“What was the worst decision you made…?”

“Tell me about…”

“Describe…”

Don’t limit your questions to past events either, in fact, sometimes the juiciest details are about your partner’s dreams of the future! This engages imagination and creativity, and also helps to weave your visions of life together.

Also, it’s important to honor what is happening in the present moment. So, particularly if you sense your partner has had a rough day, show your concern for current mood and thoughts by using open-ended questions about what’s currently happening:

“What emotions are you presently experiencing?”

“How does your body feel right now?”

“When did you start feeling this way?”

The pressures of modern life are epic, but solid relationships can help everyone maintain sanity through all of these demands.

Be aware this practice may be a tad vulnerable at first if you don’t often engage with your sweetie in this way. Allow yourself the time to feel awkward and clunky. And then keep going anyway!

Try to carve out 15–30 minutes each day and fill that time with open-ended questions to craft an authentic inquiry into your partner’s life. My guess is that your relationship will be on it’s way to new depths in no time.