The Silver Lining in Becoming Yourself

I’ve been enjoying my natural, dye-free, silver hair for several months now but every time I asked my husband if he liked it he would vaguely mumble, “Ya, it looks good.”

Women my age were oohing and ahhing over the silver streaks that replaced the blonde highlights, cheering me on, and taking up the courage to let their natural grey and silver grow in.

Young girls were begging me to tell them where I got my hair “done” because they thought it was colored. I took many thrills in the looks on their faces when I told them it’s all natural.

When Those Close to You Notice

This evening on a walk, as the sun was setting behind me, my husband looked at me as if seeing me for the first time in a while and said, “Your hair, it’s like a silver glow all around you. It’s like you’re a totally different person.”

The compliment was great, and I’m glad he finally took notice of the fact that I was no longer blonde but silver. But it’s what this “silver glow” symbolizes in my life that his words enlightened for me.

He’s right, I am a completely different person.

Three years ago I was a despondent woman trapped in a life I didn’t know how to get out of, with bitterness and resentment rising exponentially as anxiety and stress became constant companions.

You see, I had once found myself and my purpose as a writer, dreamer, and creative thinker, but I was tethered to perfectionism and the need for approval. This bondage drew me away from the simple life of following my dreams that had been nearly in my grasp.

After extricating myself from legalistic, life killing, abusive churches, I found abundant grace and a desire to walk a path God was illuminating before me. This path involved surrendering my expectations of what my life was supposed to look like and following a dream he had planted in my spirit.

Unfortunately, the demons that drove me were not fully eradicated and I fell back into the battle of performing for my worth. Like an airplane that starts just one degree off course, I ended up far from my dream and wondered what happened to the life God had promised me.

Finding Yourself Starts with the Recognition That You Lost Yourself

My lifestyle of stressful living, working for pats on the back and promotions, buying the bigger house and then the bigger house wasn’t working. I was beyond exhausted and had worked myself into a state of burnout that raged on the border of depression.

Discontent, in the midst of much material wealth, seemed incongruous to me and I couldn’t put my finger on why. Except at night, or in quiet moments in the shower when emails and voicemail were out of reach, or when that song by Bebo Norman, Disappear, played in the car and his words

“And on a day like this, I want to run away from the routine

run away from the daily grind that can suck the life

right out of me…”

stung my heart and brought up heavy tears from places I couldn’t name.

In those moments I knew. I knew the calling, the dream would never die but denying it would suffocate me as I had suffocated it.

I stood in the foyer and took a look around my dream house, the one I said I’d never leave, the one I was working myself sick to pay for and maintain, and I saw it as merely a symbol of how off course I had strayed.

I was seized with an overwhelming sense of urgency to paint the walls and sell that house. And that’s where it began. The rest, as they say, is history.

We sold, downsized, moved across the country, bought a farm and some delightful chickens, and eventually, I was laid off from the job that I never should have been in (one of the happiest days of my life!)

It was clear and it was settled: it’s time to do what I knew to do. The freedom I could embrace was open before me and the road to finding the fullness of all it offered started with embracing simplicity.

Resistance as Self-Expression

I continue to simplify my life so I can have time for what’s important, from decluttering to limiting my spending and saying no to opportunities in order to keep plenty of margin and white space on my calendar. But, it’s the little things that symbolize this simple life and new found freedom.

I stopped painting my toenails and it felt like a tiny step of resistance to a culture that insists on masking authenticity.

Buying clothes for the sake of buying clothes is no longer a thing for me. I now view clothes shopping like shopping for appliances: if something breaks or wears out, I’ll replace it.

The magical day when I looked in the mirror at my silver roots growing in through the blonde highlights and thought, “Those are kinda pretty” was another step toward authenticity.

I wondered if I could let the silver grow in and just see what it would look like. I calculated the time and money I would save in the salon chair and decided to go for it. Nearly a year later, I’m in love with my silver and finally, my husband has noticed I’ve changed!

The need for the approval of others has been replaced with learning to be vulnerable and comfortable in choosing what’s best for me.

The chains of performance and striving are gone; living in the security of God’s grace and love are what propel me through each day.

Living for “shoulds” and more is no longer why I rise each morning and attempt to make a difference in this world.

I am learning to be simply and honestly myself.

But good things take time, like the process of growing out our natural color as we deal with the awkward stage of wanting to retreat back, explaining ourselves to others about why we look like a caterpillar instead of a beautiful butterfly and wondering if those who love us will still love us when our true selves emerge.

Simmering is worth the wait, and those around us don’t always see the changes immediately. I’m convinced my husband is seeing silver and liking it, but the words “It’s like you’re a completely different person” hold much more weight than “Oh, your hair is a different color” don’t they?

And he’s right, I am a completely different person, and I’m finally okay with that, no longer needing to disappear.