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Abstract

being a detriment to yourself. It’s denying one’s interests, wants and desires — for the sake of others.</p><p id="fd39">As a people pleaser, you have the identity of being a nice person, the person people can always come to. They’re great, they’re so laid back, they understand me. It’s a constant cycle of you feeling great about what others think and say of you because you’re carrying all the slack in silence.</p><p id="577c">If you are a people pleaser, ask yourself this question ‘Why do you feel it is important for you to be viewed as a nice person all the time?’.</p><h2 id="048e">#3 Feeling Guilty about the Small Things</h2><p id="1e74">People who have poor boundaries exhaust themselves, physically and mentally. They are constantly doing for other people, that they don’t even realise their health is withering away.</p><p id="4818">You’re constantly doing and doing, whilst others are taking and taking — making the boundaries worse over time because the person feels like it’s a means to an end. When you’re on the quest to win someone over, climb the career ladder or constantly ensure that you’re doing the right thing at all times — it is so easy to feel guilty about the small things.</p><p id="df40">Completely exhausting and feeling guilty whilst you’re serving others.</p><h2 id="5c39">#4 Absorbing Others Energy</h2><p id="f4fe">When you are constantly at people’s beck and call, you start to be absorbed into people’s lives. Not only do you become important to them, but you start to absorb their life. Absorbing their problems, their bad days, their losses. You start to exist for other people and start to lose yourself.</p><p id="c44e">Absorbing other people’s identities will cause you to lose your own.</p><p id="bfbf">Ask yourself ‘Who are you?’, and ‘What do you stand for?’. And stand on it!!</p><h2 id="b6a3">#5 Oversharing</h2><p id="c0b2">Is there a limit on oversharing? Sharing is a process that is built on trust and respect. Some people don’t share with a lot of people because they lack trust and are unsure if they respect this person with their thoughts.</p><p id="a0a3">When a person overshares, it is typically when they have not built enough sufficient trust and respect for that person. Oversharing with such people can put you in a disadvantageous situation — that you cannot come back from.</p><p id="e3ff">The common reason for people with poor boundaries to overshare is the feeling of being overwhelmed and oversharing is their solution to build a connection where they do not feel dominated.</p><p id="7933">If I give and give, I will be accepted.</p><h2 id="5546">#6 Resentment to Others’ Boundaries</h

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2><p id="fc19">The more you give to people, the more you expect people to give back to you. You want people to match your energy. Unfortunately, all this comes down to is you overextending yourself but others not — making you feel more guilty and the need to please people.</p><p id="7a58">Other people may have boundaries in place and sometimes look at people with poor boundaries as a lesson to the boundaries that they should maintain or set. Whereas the person with poor boundaries is seeing the situation in a different light — they feel like they have been taken advantage of.</p><p id="e2a6">Resentment and frustration from boundaries not being reciprocated are normal for those with poor boundaries.</p><h2 id="5801">#7 Fear of Rejection</h2><p id="bea9">Constantly doing things because you have a fear of rejection or abandonment is another sign of poor boundaries. If you don’t do what is expected from others, you are scared that this person is going to walk out of your life or speak to you less.</p><p id="e973">This destabilising fear has another face of control. People with poor boundaries feel if they constantly keep doing for others, they have control over a situation which will potentially avoid the fear of rejection.</p><p id="e322">Ask yourself ‘Do you feel dependent on others’ needs to make you feel whole?’.</p><h1 id="705c">Boundaries for Yourself and Others</h1><p id="034e">Years of poor boundaries can be difficult to come out of. However, knowing if you have poor boundaries is the start. From this, you can identify your pain points and what you need to do to make the changes.</p><p id="cdb6">And when you do make these changes, maintain them and remember that you’re doing it for yourself — that’s who matters!</p><p id="fe82">But it is also important to remember that you can set clear boundaries for yourself, but others may.</p><p id="056f">When we think about people who have poor boundaries, we often think that people have poor boundaries for themselves. Not knowing how to say ‘no’, always making sure you’re at people’s beck and call, absorbing other people’s life problems — the list goes on.</p><p id="a240">But poor boundaries can also be when someone violates other people’s boundaries. For example, calling someone when they want, not taking into consideration the other person’s boundaries. A high expectation of other people, interrupting their lives, constantly asking them for more.</p><p id="4cf4">Ask yourself ‘Have you set clear boundaries and communicated these?’.</p><p id="b1e4">Save yourself from falling into poor boundaries and allow others to be aware of the boundaries set.</p></article></body>

The Silent Killer: Poor Boundaries That Are Killing You

Protect your peace before it’s too late with these 7 signs.

Growing up, a lot of parenting went against setting boundaries, for example, being told to hug someone or speak to someone. We were often told to do things because it was deemed as being polite.

Setting boundaries is not something a lot of us are taught. Unfortunately, life teaches us it.

And even as we got older, it was hard to put boundaries into place because there was that feeling of doing the person wrong. Whilst we were thinking of others when trying to set boundaries, we failed to prioritise ourselves.

The lack of boundaries can impact our lives in many ways, from putting us in uncomfortable or dangerous situations, being pushed around, and taking on more responsibilities — overall just takes a damn toll!

You end up blaming yourself for a lot of things happening because you failed to set solid boundaries that would protect you and your peace.

But it is hard to determine these boundaries when you don’t even know what they look like and you’re just being yourself.

Get your notepad and pen out…

#1 Struggle to Make Decisions

If you are feeling torn between deciding because your brain is telling you that you need to do what others expect from you and want — over what you want to do, this is a sign of poor boundaries. The ideal outcome for people in this situation would be for somebody else to make the decision and put them out of their misery.

Other people will know how to say ‘no’ and give them a reason why — because they have set boundaries allowing them to make their decisions easier.

Lack of decision-making due to poor boundaries can be due to pleasing people.

#2 People Pleaser

From someone who struggled with this for years and is still dealing with the impact of some of the decisions I made due to it — stop doing it! It doesn’t help you in the slightest — the beneficiaries are those taking from you.

People pleasing is exactly what it is. Pleasing other people — with the hidden knowledge of it being a detriment to yourself. It’s denying one’s interests, wants and desires — for the sake of others.

As a people pleaser, you have the identity of being a nice person, the person people can always come to. They’re great, they’re so laid back, they understand me. It’s a constant cycle of you feeling great about what others think and say of you because you’re carrying all the slack in silence.

If you are a people pleaser, ask yourself this question ‘Why do you feel it is important for you to be viewed as a nice person all the time?’.

#3 Feeling Guilty about the Small Things

People who have poor boundaries exhaust themselves, physically and mentally. They are constantly doing for other people, that they don’t even realise their health is withering away.

You’re constantly doing and doing, whilst others are taking and taking — making the boundaries worse over time because the person feels like it’s a means to an end. When you’re on the quest to win someone over, climb the career ladder or constantly ensure that you’re doing the right thing at all times — it is so easy to feel guilty about the small things.

Completely exhausting and feeling guilty whilst you’re serving others.

#4 Absorbing Others Energy

When you are constantly at people’s beck and call, you start to be absorbed into people’s lives. Not only do you become important to them, but you start to absorb their life. Absorbing their problems, their bad days, their losses. You start to exist for other people and start to lose yourself.

Absorbing other people’s identities will cause you to lose your own.

Ask yourself ‘Who are you?’, and ‘What do you stand for?’. And stand on it!!

#5 Oversharing

Is there a limit on oversharing? Sharing is a process that is built on trust and respect. Some people don’t share with a lot of people because they lack trust and are unsure if they respect this person with their thoughts.

When a person overshares, it is typically when they have not built enough sufficient trust and respect for that person. Oversharing with such people can put you in a disadvantageous situation — that you cannot come back from.

The common reason for people with poor boundaries to overshare is the feeling of being overwhelmed and oversharing is their solution to build a connection where they do not feel dominated.

If I give and give, I will be accepted.

#6 Resentment to Others’ Boundaries

The more you give to people, the more you expect people to give back to you. You want people to match your energy. Unfortunately, all this comes down to is you overextending yourself but others not — making you feel more guilty and the need to please people.

Other people may have boundaries in place and sometimes look at people with poor boundaries as a lesson to the boundaries that they should maintain or set. Whereas the person with poor boundaries is seeing the situation in a different light — they feel like they have been taken advantage of.

Resentment and frustration from boundaries not being reciprocated are normal for those with poor boundaries.

#7 Fear of Rejection

Constantly doing things because you have a fear of rejection or abandonment is another sign of poor boundaries. If you don’t do what is expected from others, you are scared that this person is going to walk out of your life or speak to you less.

This destabilising fear has another face of control. People with poor boundaries feel if they constantly keep doing for others, they have control over a situation which will potentially avoid the fear of rejection.

Ask yourself ‘Do you feel dependent on others’ needs to make you feel whole?’.

Boundaries for Yourself and Others

Years of poor boundaries can be difficult to come out of. However, knowing if you have poor boundaries is the start. From this, you can identify your pain points and what you need to do to make the changes.

And when you do make these changes, maintain them and remember that you’re doing it for yourself — that’s who matters!

But it is also important to remember that you can set clear boundaries for yourself, but others may.

When we think about people who have poor boundaries, we often think that people have poor boundaries for themselves. Not knowing how to say ‘no’, always making sure you’re at people’s beck and call, absorbing other people’s life problems — the list goes on.

But poor boundaries can also be when someone violates other people’s boundaries. For example, calling someone when they want, not taking into consideration the other person’s boundaries. A high expectation of other people, interrupting their lives, constantly asking them for more.

Ask yourself ‘Have you set clear boundaries and communicated these?’.

Save yourself from falling into poor boundaries and allow others to be aware of the boundaries set.