The Silent Battle: A Mother’s Struggle with Depression

Discover the shadows of motherhood in ‘The Silent Battle’ against depression

I hate today.

I hated yesterday.

And the day before that.

I will probably hate tomorrow.

And maybe the day after.

I won’t feel like this forever, but I might.

I don’t know. I can’t be sure.

Will more wine make me happy?

Will a day to myself with no responsibilities make me happy?

Maybe I need a block of chocolate?

Maybe I need a shopping spree?

I know if someone else folded and put away all the washing without telling me, that would help.

I know if someone came over and cooked my family dinners that were healthy and each child ate, that would help.

I know that if someone else sat at my kitchen table and balanced the credit card bill, that would help.

I know that if someone organised and packed my kids for their school camps on Monday, that would help.

Someone. Someone else.

Not me.

Me wants to stay in bed all day and sleep.

Me is exhausted.

Me has an achy body that could be helped by getting to a Pilates class, but me won’t do that. Not today. Not tomorrow. And probably not the day after that.

Friends are calling and messaging.

I press the automated, “Can I call you later?” Button to respond.

I probably won’t call them later.

I don’t feel like talking.

I don’t feel like doing anything.

Existing feels hard.

Doing feels hard.

Being feels hard.

My husband asks, “What is wrong?”

I can only answer that I don’t know.

I really don’t know because thinking feels too hard.

My kids tell each other, “Mum is in a funk again.”

Maybe I am. I don’t know.

My best friend tells me I am depressed.

I could be.

All I know is that I can describe feeling like I am in a dark hole right now.

Nothing makes me happy. Nothing makes me smile.

Nothing makes me feel excited. But nothing angers me either.

The black hole is numb. I feel nothing here. It’s just a dark place where I go when I can’t exist right now.

The sun will shine again. It always does.

I will laugh again. I always have.

But for now, the dark hole is safe. No one will hurt me, and I will hurt no one in the dark hole.

In the dark hole, I can rest and let my feelings pass.

But not today. And not tomorrow. And probably not the day after that.