The Signs You Are Pedestalising Your Crush
Self-defeating behaviours secretly undermine your worth and prevent you from the love you deserve
Have you ever had a crush who you treated a little bit differently from everyone else? When I say “a little bit”, you know exactly what I mean. I’m talking about a person who you put on a pedestal — a person who you thought could do no wrong and became the subject of your immense infatuation.
What happened when you did this? Was your preferential treatment the trigger that made them lust for you, or could they care less for your admiration? Did every gesture win them over or leave you more hurt and rejected?
Sometimes, our intentions get the best of us, with dire consequences. When we pedestalize a crush, it can damage our esteem and our relationship with that person.
I should know — I’ve been there myself.
I still remember it vividly. I was 17 and met a girl who left me speechless. She was athletic yet geeky, competitive but fun, and most importantly, she was full of passion and driven to make something of her life. I was determined to win her over.
We hit it off amazingly. Everyone remarked on our natural chemistry and apparent attraction. Many people believed we were secretly dating based on our flirtatious vibe and constant gazing. In reality, we were nothing more than friends, and the slightest playful touch would send my dopamine into overdrive.
Within weeks, I had formed a deep attachment despite never making a move. That’s when everything began to change. I started to behave in ways that were uncharacteristic of me. Where once I was busy pursuing my passions, I suddenly started cancelling plans to be available for her. I had previously been a person who prided himself on not doing things that I wasn’t interested in or conform to societal trends. Now I was excited at any opportunity to see my crush, even if it meant an activity for which I had zero interest. Every day my mind would be consumed with thoughts about how different she was — the way she exuded passion, could talk articulately about her interests and was so driven to succeed. I was in awe of this person despite barely knowing her, and I could not focus on anything else.
Soon, my emotions reached their boiling point. I couldn’t take it anymore and cracked. I confessed how much I cared for her and wanted to be with her. Instead of falling into my arms as I had romanticized in my head, she told me that she knew that I liked her but didn’t feel the same way. She reasoned that I was an amazing guy who anyone would be lucky to have, but our friendship was far more valuable.
I was devastated — I had never felt about anyone else so strongly before. Logic told me to accept the outcome and walk away — why would I continue to hang around her knowing she didn't feel the same way? But emotionally, I couldn’t do it. The fear of losing her — this special person who was different from anyone else, outweighed the prospect of moving on. So I accepted the friendship. I stayed close with her, regularly met up, cleared my schedule, and did whatever activity she wanted. I played the perfect boyfriend in waiting, secretly hoping something would change.
Things only got worse. Despite knowing how I felt, she continued to flirt with me and give me hope. And just when I thought I was making progress, she would rip my heart out by kissing someone else in front of me. Despite the pain, I kept chasing and believing she could do no wrong. She continued to date other people, and I waited patiently throughout all the heartache, refusing to let go or move on.
I needed perspective.
Learning The Signs Changed Everything
After moaning to my friends for months, I was introduced to a coach for a free session. I thought I could solve my own problems, but my friends were adamant. I described my situation in detail, and he posed me two simple questions:
- Would you cancel plans for your other friends?
- Would you kiss someone in front of a person you knew liked you?
They were innocuous questions, but I had never considered them before. He was starting the process of expanding my perspective.
Would I cancel my plans for other friends? No — unless it was an emergency and they needed me. Would I drop working on my passion and do something I have no interest in? Absolutely not. When he asked what was different here, I replied that I wanted to see her. He then pushed me further by asking what would happen if I said no. At that moment, I realized that I was scared to lose the opportunity to see her and that I valued her time more than mine.
When I came to the latter question, I had to be honest; I thought it was horrible and something I would never do. He pressed further to ask why it was OK to do that. I had no answer other than to admit I let her behave poorly in a way that I disagreed with. Sometimes, what you tolerate, you encourage. I had not stood up for myself and demonstrated that I viewed her worth as greater than mine.
The coach asked me to share what I had learned. It was simple — I had repeatedly pedestalized my crush, and in doing so, created limiting beliefs about my own worth and esteem.
That realization was the trigger that allowed me to move on finally, but more importantly, to set boundaries in my life and attract healthier relationships. It all starts with knowing the signs of pedestalization — the behaviours that signal to you and everyone else that this person is more important than you, that they come first, and your needs are of no consideration.
Why is this so powerful?
Because when you know the signs, you can interrupt the program runs automatically. Often, we slip into habits that are damaging with realizing it. When we know what some of these patterns are, we have a chance of breaking them. As a result, rather than pedestalizing another person, you learn to value yourself. You find ways to demonstrate self-worth, build confidence, and become more attractive. You kill the needy placating part of you and pave the way for healthier relationships based on mutual interest.
Now there are tons of small ways in which we can supplicate to another person. This post's focus is what I consider to be four of the biggest signs of pedestalization — the places where you will get the greatest returns. If you have the courage to tackle these items below, you will find yourself shifting rapidly out of this mindset of inferiority and moving towards a more attractive version of yourself.
Let’s get into it.
1 — You Try To Keep The Conversation Alive
Be honest with yourself — are you desperately trying to keep the conversation alive with your crush? Are you constantly brainstorming ideas or topics to talk about? Do you find yourself asking them a barrage of questions that turns the interaction into more of an FBI interview? When there is a lull in the conversation, are you anxious to fill it out of fear the interaction will end?
Many of us behave like this with crushes. In doing so, we create the impression that we need their attention and have nothing else more important.
The ability to cope with silence is one of the most underrated skills a person can have. When you don’t feel the need to fill gaps in conversation, you maintain your power, demonstrate worth, and frankly avoid the risk of verbal diarrhoea.
The person who is willing to walk away holds the cards. It shows you have other things to be doing and that you value your time. Imagine what it’s like for a moment to be talking to someone who keeps extending the conversation. How obvious does it come across? Do you feel attracted to them or as if you influence them? As humans, we naturally respond to scarcity. When something is always available, we are less interested. The moment something becomes scarce or limited, our interest peaks. By always trying to keep conversations going, we make ourselves constantly available. We also train ourselves to chase the other person instead of thinking about our wider needs and interests.
If you resonate with the above, don’t feel guilty. We have all been there. Why not experiment going forward? What happens if you let the conversation die with the last thing that person said? What if you bring the interaction to a close because you have something more important to do? Alternatively, think about how you would respond if you knew the person liked you. Is the conversation genuinely interesting, or are you playing along out of infatuation?
Why not change it up, and see what happens? You may be surprised at how a simple tweak here can reduce your attachment and increase your attractiveness.
2 — You Pretend To Be Interested In Things You’re Not
A few years ago, one of my best friends became utterly infatuated with a girl he met at work. He started drinking out of plastic bottles so he could visit the recycling bin conveniently located by her desk. That was just the beginning. He soon found out she was interested in climbing and dancing. Now bear in mind, my friend was an introverted software developer who was deftly afraid of heights. You can imagine my shock when he had signed up to a salsa class with her (no other guy would go) and subsequently attend an introduction to bouldering!
This is one of the most common patterns I see when people pedestalize a crush. We start to feign interest in activities that we would never consider if it wasn’t for that person. Honestly, it never ceases to amaze me what we’re capable of when we try to capture another person's attention. I’ve seen people rapidly learn the basics of a new language, study the rules of a sport they hate and start watching TV shows purely to create a common connection.
Now I won’t pretend there isn’t a positive side to this. If you’re opening yourself up to new opportunities, that can be a great thing for you personally. The questions to ask yourself are, are you doing it to have something in common, and are you getting a genuine benefit from it? If your new pursuit is purely based on the other person, you may be pedestalizing them and thus implying your own passions are less important. Be honest with yourself, and spend your time pursuing your goals, not someone else's.
3 — You Accept Poor Behaviour Or Neglect Boundaries
Earlier, I spoke about watching my crush kiss other guys in front of me. Looking back, that was appalling on her part, but I was the person who tolerated it. I never set an emotional boundary for myself or called her out for it.
The result here was that she could treat me poorly without consequences. I would still be there waiting in the wings, ready to drop everything and provide validation. That’s a damaging relationship in itself, but even more detrimental to my own sense of worth. I was making it OK for another person to treat me poorly, which signalled to my unconscious that they were above me in some way. Pedestalization at it’s worst.
My experience was horrible, but I know I am not the only one who has allowed another person to get away with questionable behaviour. So I ask you — what standards are you accepting from people you like? If they cancel plans at the last minute with lame excuses, do you let it slide and offer another time? If they ignore your messages, do you pretend that it never happened and keep pushing? Do they take advantage of your kindness or disrespect you in front of other people? These are tough questions to ask ourselves, but they are hugely important to see the reality of what’s happening.
Here’s an easy comparison to keep in mind — how would you react if your friend did this?
I’ve found this very effective at taking the emotion out of a situation and viewing it objectively. For example, if I knew one of my friends was kissing other people in front of their crush, I would be hugely disappointed. There would be some expletives shared, and I’d be upfront that I thought better of them. Similarly, if a mate repeatedly cancelled plans, I’d leave it up to them to reschedule instead of re-arranging myself.
Keep raising the standards for what you expect from other people, even if you have feelings for them. There is no reason to endure toxic behaviour because you are scared to lose them or concerned about making them happy. You get to determine the quality of person you attract, and it starts with drawing boundaries and calling out poor character.
4 — You Project Your Ideal Image Of Them Rather Than Reality
One of the magical gifts of being human is our talent for imagination. We have an incredible ability to conjure up stories and fantasies without needing any proof of truth. While this skill can be used as a powerful tool for development, it can also bring us down — particularly in dating.
When I look back on my prior crush, I now realize how I had idolized her without reason. I had created a false narrative in my head of the person she was and continued to reinforce it. She always told me she was passionate and ambitious, but there was little to demonstrate that beyond her words. In fact, I assigned many qualities that I wanted her to have rather than viewing the human being honestly.
In the absence of evidence, I filled the gaps with my imagination.
We all do this with people we like. We want to think the best of them, which often means projecting qualities they don’t have and exaggerating what they do. The things we like about another person are often traits or abilities we have within ourselves that we have not fully accepted. Sometimes we put these great qualities onto others because we don’t feel worthy of them ourselves.
That leads us to two important questions:
- How do you know this person has these amazing traits you pedestalize them for?
- Are they present in you?
Remember, I’m not saying that person doesn’t have what you think — I’m simply challenging you to see the reality and make sure you are not blinded by infatuation. Beyond that, I’m asking you to look within and see if there are great parts of yourself you have lost touch with. More often than not, when we accept these qualities in ourselves, we realize that we are on the same level as our crushes and that we are equally worthy. Everyone is human, and we all make mistakes. No one is perfect, but we are all unique. It’s up to us to realize that we bring something to the table because if we don’t, how can we expect someone else to?
As I sit here now, a decade later, the person I thought I was in love with was honestly a manifestation of myself that I had disowned over years of self-doubt and criticism. For as much as my heart hurt, that experience led me to find myself — and that has changed my life forever. Maybe the same can happen to you.
What Now?
Hopefully, you enjoyed this post and could relate to what has been said. What’s most important now is implementation. It all starts with spotting the signs of pedestalization and then taking action. If you find yourself indulging in any of the above behaviours, take a step back and look for how you can interrupt that pattern.
Remember, nobody can do it for you. You are the only person who can create change in your life. There is always a different way to look at your situation and an opportunity waiting to be seized. My heartbreak let me meet the love of my life, study self-improvement, and create my own coaching business. I have no idea where that crush is, but I’m grateful for what she taught me.
Maybe this will be the trigger for something special in your life.
Make it happen.
Fed up with repeating patterns in dating? Or perhaps you’re ready to attract the love you deserve.
I’ve helped 100s of clients crush overthinking, heal the pain of rejection and become their most attractive selves.
If that sounds interesting, why not book a FREE Breakthrough Call — let’s see how we can make it happen.
You can also pick up a copy of my FREE eBOOK, “Three Essential Keys To Move On From Heartbreak”, here.