The Shocking Truth About Breastfeeding: I Want Boobs, Now!

From strangers exclaiming: ‘Excuse me Miss, your left breast is sticking out!’ To my baby thinking: ‘What do you mean, you just fed me?’ Or a shop assistant: ‘Unfortunately, we don’t sell XXXXL bras!’

I’m not a mum who keeps mum about how feeding actually plays out.

For a long time, the life of my husband, a new father, was all about boobs. Boobs were omnipresent. They were everywhere. First, they were soft and normal-sized, then wonderfully plump and filled to the brim with milk, and sometimes they were inflamed or injured. But they were always there — the center of attention Unfortunately for my husband, he had nothing to do with them. Our baby hogged them from the first breath, especially the very sensitive area of the nipples. Until our little one was born, I had only known a sore throat but not sore nipples.

Boobs, now!

When our baby was hungry and upset we always had the feeling that he was screaming: Boobs! I want boobs!’ When this level of meltdown was reached, daddy could do whatever he wanted with no effect: close body contact, hours of carrying or rocking. Our baby didn’t do waiting. He cried his heart out and wanted his ‘milk bar’ (as we called my breasts at some point) to open its doors.

Some days he might have thought: ‘Don’t know where to go for lunch. Left or right?’ Who could blame him? Indeed, from his milk bar, he had a gorgeous view and the food was always good.

What do you mean you just fed me? That was an hour ago!

Over time, my boobs became a tool. Previously nicely wrapped in a lacy bra or pressed into a beautiful cleavage, the bulging milk bar now became a daily, or shall I say hourly, focal point for our milkshake-addicted baby. Sometimes my baby looked at me with wide eyes as if to say: ‘What do you mean you just fed me? That was an hour ago. I’m hungry again.’

This bar’s open all night!

My husband and I tried shared the load of those first few months. I fed our baby because my husband couldn’t do it with his useless man-boobs, and he slept because I couldn’t sleep. So I was able to be up partying with my baby through more nights than when I was 18. Sometimes he would even throw a party at 5 in the morning. It was only thanks to our little one that I understood what it meant to turn night into day and day into night.

I spent the days sleepwalking. My husband would bring me nursing pillows, cook or change the nappies. And I walked around with my breastfeeding dementia trying to remember things or do chores. But why should I? My main task became to offer my baby milk around the clock — happy hours included. In fact, one full year of breastfeeding equals approximately 1,800 hours of a mom’s time.

As it turned out, that dementia has been helpful. I know breastfeeding forms the basis of a beautiful life-long bond that I share with my baby. But being awake more than five times a night to serve milkshakes wasn’t my dream job, but it became my main job.

I could say I was promoted to ‘Chief Nourishment Officer’, but I never got paid or got a milk badge.

Gross, my daddy’s nipples are useless!

Yes, nipple cream and heating pads became my best friends, although a face mask might have been more helpful. In his assistant role, my husband tried to help by offering our son a pacifier or bottle nipples. But from the beginning, he could tell the difference between real nipples and artificial nipples with unmistakable certainty. In his greatest moments of desperation, when he hadn’t had a milkshake for an hour or so, our baby even tried to slobber on my husband’s right, then left ‘breast’. But he learned quickly: ‘Gross! These are useless!

Strangers said: you rarely see breastfeeding mothers nowadays

Not only the eyes of my baby started rolling when my boobs came out, strangers were also very interested how I breastfed my baby in public. Although I did everything to protect myself from strangers’ eyes, they still came by and tried to catch a glimpse as if I were a rare zoo animal: ‘Look, how beautiful!’, ‘Oh, that’s what it looks like!’, ‘You rarely see breastfeeding mothers nowadays.’

And my personal favourite (Marianne Sherret lately shared a similar awkward story): while I was breastfeeding on a park bench (stroller and a towel as shield), people would engage me in conversation and ask if I could move a little to the left or right so they could get a better view of the baby (and, presumably my breasts!).

Excuse me Miss, your breast is sticking out!

I had become accustomed to walking around topless at home most of the time and often didn’t even bother to put my breasts in the right position because I didn’t have the energy or the memory. Honestly, it could have happened that I opened the door for the Amazon parcel delivery guy with my breasts half hanging out.

I also heard from another mother who reported that she had been told by a random stranger in the street that her left breast was sticking out of her easy-access top.

Whereupon she started screaming because she realised she had left her child behind on the bus.

Unfortunately, we don’t sell XXXXL bras

During this period, my sweatpants became my best friend. Where and what would I have been without them? During pregnancy they expanded wonderfully with my belly and then retracted again when I was breastfeeding. I also had to swap my perky, underwired bras for huge XXXL soft bras.

Once, standing in the cubicle with a shop assistant measuring my chest circumference, she expressed disbelief and explained pitifully, ‘Unfortunately, we don’t sell bras with underwires in this size. Why don’t you try a soft cup (in which the breasts are free to jiggle happily back and forth.)’

What a view!

Yes, breastfeeding can be scary. Having your nipple in your baby’s mouth isn’t enough. He needs reassurance by pulling at it or, especially if he is teething, to bite and rub his gums on it. Ouch!

As I said before, the view from my milkbar was gorgeous. So my little one enjoyed drinking, my right or left nipple in his mouth, and jerking his head to look around while still latched to my breast! Ouch, ouch, ouch…!

Final thoughts

• Breastfeeding has been painted as one of the most beautiful and natural aspects of having a new baby. And while that’s partially true, the reality and practicalities of breastfeeding aren’t always quite so rosy.
• From nosy observers to sore nipples, turning yourself into a 24/7 milkbar has its challenges.

Have you also experienced these or other not-so-beautiful moments too?

But wait! There’s more from Kristina, ‘Top Writer in Parenting👶‘ 👇:

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My first attempt of the ‘Let’s get relational tags’ idea — the works and words of the people below inspired me to write this funny story:

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