The Shitty Little Lurker

He creeps up and hangs around like the smell of durian.

“Is it ignorance or apathy? Hey, I don’t know and I don’t care.”

— Jimmy Buffett

I was having a great week.

My major projects took a break over the summer. The emails quieted down. The To Do lists got more manageable. I have fewer scheduled meetings over the next few weeks.

With more free time I don’t feel as rushed. I can read my book in the middle of the day instead of at bedtime. I can watch that movie I’ve had on my list. I can work out later in the day as there are fewer constraints.

I can do what I want.

And then he shows up.

I have a good balance in my life. It took effort. I still struggle with it at times.

Even though I walked away from corporate and then some unhealthy projects afterward, I still feel some guilt if I’m not busy. Part of this is my character and my OCD issues. Some of them are patterns that are hard to break.

When I was at the peak of my busyness, all I wanted to do was to have the time to read my book, relax, travel, watch a movie, and enjoy more time with my wife and kids. Now I have the time, have created greater balance, but still deal with that creeping little shit who keeps showing up.

I’m not sure who he is. I’m not sure how he got into the house.

But the little fucker was around yesterday. He’s been hanging around all week.

I get up very early without an alarm clock. I’ve been this way my entire life. I usually wake up around 4:30 am, make my bed, open the curtains, organize my already organized room, clean up an already clean house, have my green drink, make my coffee, jump in the pool, read the news, write on Medium and then accomplish 1–2 key things each day.

This is usually all over by 2 pm. So I have seven hours ahead of me. Now with my projects taking a summer break, I am pretty much done by 10 am. I am writing this at 8:05 am on Friday, and I will be done by 9 am. I have one call which ends at 10 am. So I have eleven hours ahead of me.

At first, I love it. Some of my favorite days are when I have absolutely nothing I have to do. Monday was great. Tuesday was good. Wednesday was meh. Thursday, yesterday, felt like purgatory.

I think my wife and kids know when something is up. I go into my wife’s work area, sit down and ask, “What are you up to?”

There is a delayed response then, “Just working.”

“Do you want to go do something?” I ask.

At this point, I’ve now handed over my happiness to an outside party. If she says yes, then everything is peachy. If she says no, then it is more duriany.

(I’ll leave it to you to google what a durian is).

She said no a few times this week. She was busy. So was my daughter.

And that little whatever-he-is just followed me down the hall giggling and singing neener-neener-neener.

I was in a yoga class once and the instructor asked us to close our eyes. She told us to lean forward a bit and then lean back a bit. In each direction, we feel out of balance. If we continue we will fall.

She explained that leaning forward is the future. Leaning back is the past. You can spend your time constantly falling forward into the unknown or backward into a past you cannot change. The only place of balance is the present.

But sometimes the present feels imbalanced. It can be boredom, lethargy, apathy, depression, or just one of those days. Sometimes we need someone to nudge us out of our funk. Remind us of what we have.

I was reading Medium this morning, my little friend was sitting next to me, smirking. I pushed him with my elbow but then he just stood behind me, reading over my shoulder.

I then came upon two stories.

Melissa Gray wrote a beautiful story called Someday. Michele Maize wrote an inspiring piece entitled Getting Out to Live. They captured how I was feeling. They nudged me out of my funk. I already believed in their words and lived by them.

But even though we know what is the right thing to do, we don’t always do them.

My little lurker was not very happy. He handed me the Apple TV remote and my iPhone. I threw the remote behind the couch so he is busy for a bit. I took my phone, opened Google Maps, and picked a place I wanted to visit today. I asked my wife and kids if they wanted to go but they have plans.

It was fine. I enjoy my own company. And they have their things to do.

The shitty little lurker will stay at home, pouting in the corner.

There is plenty for him to watch on Netflix.

I will be sitting on the beach.

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