The Sexless Marriage

Eighteen years wondering why.

Deborah finally met HIM! He had a strong, reliable, sound presence that made others step back and take notice. He wasn’t that handsome but more clean-cut and noted. If he wanted your attention he would get in your space so you couldn’t help but notice.

The first time Deborah noticed him was when he stood in front of her while she was waiting to see someone for an appointment. She noticed alright but it was more like confusion of what she was looking at.

He wasn’t wearing the best clothes he could wear. He had on cut-off jean shorts and a cut-off sweatshirt caring a jug of coffee, a lit cigarette, and athletic white and red striped socks. He was vibrating about two feet in front of her. She couldn’t quite understand what all that was about or why it was happening.

At the time she was in a Dianetics center waiting for a meeting and the waiting room was a combination with a bookstore environment so the space was rather small.

Her name was finally called so she left the area in a state of confusion to say the least. What a weirdo! she thought.

Deborah decided to go on her way buying some books and taking some classes. She noticed the guy every once in a while around the organization doing various things. One day she was taking a course and he came in with a girl. He helped her get seated and treated her like gold. You could feel the sexual energy coming off them. Deborah was amused by this and wondered about it.

On Sunday evenings the center would usually have a meeting that turned into a pep rally for the leader, L. Ron Hubbard. These meetings were on various subjects. The information was so different from anything she had ever heard so that kept her interested and coming back.

At one of the events Deborah’s car had a sketchy battery. She noticed it before she went into the meeting but knew someone would help her with it. She was afraid she would be stuck and not able to get home.

There were quite a few men there so she knew this for a fact. Men = battery jumper. After the meeting ended she announced that she was having car trouble and asked if she could get help.

Two or three guys came forward to help and she picked one of them. It happened to be the guy she had her eye on all along. His name was Sam. The other guys trailed along anyway as the male ego doesn’t like to be hurt and left out. One of them left while the other guy hung around.

Sam and Deborah were smiling and cutting up while the other guy was telling them they were doing it all wrong and the car would blow up if they didn’t listen to him. It all worked out just fine and the other guy acted as if he got his feelings hurt. He soon left and Sam and Deborah made plans to meet up down the street at a restaurant. She cranked the car and left.

From that meeting on they were inseparable. They were both single and didn’t have kids living with them so they were free to do what they wanted. Sam’s profession was sales and marketing. Deborah was a financial manager for a land developer.

Soon after, they moved in together into Deborah’s one-bedroom apartment as Sam was staying with friends and they could not have him there anymore for some reason. She was always picking up strays it seems.

She did not know why he wasn’t working but found out later that he had moved back to the U.S. from England and hadn’t had a place to stay yet. So she took him in.

They never really had much sex but there was always attraction. It was always at the back of her mind why, but they got along and had fun anyway. They had sexy showers and probably did have sex, but to Deborah it was nothing great. Just closeness.

The first “Red Flag” went up when he hollered at her for being weak and affected because of some difficulty at the center. She wanted to spend more time at home and they wanted her to be there studying.

She felt split and didn’t know where her loyalty lay. Was it with her new boyfriend and her life or was it with the center? She decided to stay with her boyfriend and new life and not go into the center as much.

This caused a lot of concern with the center and they started sending people out to harass her to get back to course. She finally locked the doors and pulled the curtains in the evening so she could have some peace with her new love.

If you don’t know about Scientology and Dianetics; they don’t like to let anyone go without a valid reason and want to“save” them from the world to get more money for the organization.

After a time, Deborah and Sam got married. Sam’s Mom died of cancer soon after and things changed. He got depressed, worried and slept a lot, then developed asthma. Of course he smoked cigarettes and was addicted but the asthma never kept him from smoking less.

He lost interest in life for a time but after awhile he bounced back and started many businesses. He did not like to work for anyone and wanted only to do his own thing. He did not like to answer to anyone either. He was adamant about it which caused concern for Deborah as she had to make up for expenses or delay payments when there was no money coming in.

He was able to find a client who was wealthy and they wanted him to market their Day Spa and products in a high-end area of Atlanta. He and Deborah were doing well again but if you asked Deborah about her sex life she would shrug and be sad and move on to another subject.

He and she were always harassed by the center for more and more money (donations, if you will.)

Their life, money, businesses went up and down over and over again for some years. Deborah could tell that Sam was losing his enthusiasm and self-doubt was creeping in. She was always in a panic to pay bills and keep up car payments, rent, etc. And he either would leave and not come back for a night without warning or he slept all day. A sure sign of depression. She didn’t know for a long time that he was an alcoholic and had an addictive personality to all drugs. He kept a lot from her.

Their life was upset without stability. He was making up the rules as they went along. There was talk of moving to another country and starting over after he got interested in the anti-government conspiracy movement. He started carrying a gun, hanging out in bars and having fights, and not filing income taxes.

“The Patriot movement is less than 20 percent of the size it was in 1996 when it was at its peak. This movement is characterized by armed militias, wild conspiracy theories, a hatred of the Federal Government and government regulation, an overarching love for guns, and occasionally a strong component of racism. Due to arrests, defections, and disappointed expectations of a revolution that has never materialized, the movement is today nearly dead. In 2001 just 158 anti-government Patriot groups were found to be active, which is 19 percent less than in 2000, and is the fifth consecutive annual decline in numbers since 1996.” Source: https://www.ncjrs.gov/

Deborah was a shy person and a follower and felt she had no say in anything. She was nervous about this new issue Sam was bringing into the picture and could only follow him. At this point, she was beginning to become afraid of him and his life choices which concerned her life as well. She felt there was nothing she could do but make the best of it. So . . . .

They moved to Costa Rica. Sam had previously made contacts in a little town named San Isidora de Generale. They went and set up housekeeping in a small house in the middle of the jungle near farmers and small villages. “Wow!” Deborah thought. “What have I gotten myself into?”

They were at least living on a mountain where you could see for miles and miles. There were coffee plantations. There was the town down below with all the people, stores, restaurants, churches and soccer fields.

On Saturdays the farmers brought in some of their crops and sold them to the locals. They also brought in chickens, fish, beef and other meats. If you didn’t live in the vicinity you would think this was so special, but if you were from the country and spoke the language this was day-to-day. It was special to Deborah and Sam because the food was so fresh and delicious.

Deborah knew she had to learn the language quickly in order to survive. After a few months she also found that she was pregnant. Apparently, Sam was feeling a bit frisky one night, came in drunk as usual, and they had sex. That’s all it took. They had been together by that time for over ten years.

Since Deborah was pregnant she could not walk up the steep hill anymore from the town. They got someone to help every day to shop and clean. His name was Alban. He was eighteen and such a big help. He did not speak a lick of English, but knew and understood what was needed and wanted each day. He also went shopping for food. He got paid well for it all.

You are probably wondering where the money came from to move and pay for everything. Sam was also a bit of crook. He swindled someone out of about $30,000. Deborah did not know that either. She thought it was on the up and up.

At the time he was selling silver through a third party and sold that much silver to an acquaintance. The client decided he wanted his money back and didn’t feel good about the transaction but Sam decided to skip out just in time before the client could sue him.

There are many wonderful things about living in Costa Rica but if you are not legally there you can’t make money, you can’t have a business, you have to pay taxes there as well as in the U.S. and so on. Part of the money that was sent to Costa Rica was stolen from Sam and Deborah so they had a lot less to live on. Stolen from them by Americans. Karma.

The babies came in April of 1995. Twins and the only white, boy, twins ever born in that particular hospital. They were celebrities. Deborah noticed that just about every acquaintance they made while living there came by to see the babies in the hospital as well as to their house afterwards. All the greetings and well-wishing lasted for about a week or so. To Deborah it felt like forever as she never got any rest.

Deborah now was a full-time Mom with a lot of work to do and Sam got really jealous because he was not getting any attention anymore. He resorted to drinking again until the babies were four months old.

He stopped drinking only because someone at one of the drinking holes that he had frequented before the children arrived, told him that he should stay at home and help his wife with the babies as that was his duty now. He had children to care for. This thought jolted him out of his drunken state.

He helped with the babies until they were six months old. Deborah knew they needed to get back to the U.S. because Sam was not able to make any money. She wrote his aunt and asked for $5,000 to get them back since they had the babies and they needed so much. The aunt sent the money and they were able to pay all of the taxes, get passports and social security cards for the babies, and get everyone back to the U.S. in one piece.

They did not have any more money by the time they got back as they had to pay taxes again at the airport. They were swindled out of some money by some “government officials” that were supposed to have paid the taxes beforehand and thought to be honest. They weren’t.

Finally back they were assisted by Deborah’s daughter and husband for awhile. They lived in various places until they felt they had to get back to Atlanta again to get a better start because they knew the area and knew some people there that might assist them. Sam asked for another $5,000 from his aunt and she agreed to send it after a heated telephone call.

They got back to Atlanta. Their babies were growing and by this time they were 18 months old or so. They were very good children.

Sam and a friend were in a very bad accident on I-20 West going towards Birmingham. They were heading to Birmingham to set up a bouncy castle for a birthday party. They never made it as the wreck occurred because of a fog bank that had rolled in. They were bunged up when they got back but alive. Some folks were not as lucky.

After all this they collected insurance from the wreck and were able to stay in hotels for a while then after the final payout they moved into a house to rent for a year. The payout was not that much and so they had to eventually move out. No income was coming in.

Deborah had to care of the twins at home because they were so little and Sam was suffering from side-effects of pain medication he was taking because of the accident. Finally all this turned into the family being homeless for four years.

Sam could not cope anymore and Deborah had to find a way to care for all these people as she was the only one that could. She called a friend to see if she was willing to help.

Her friend found a transitional housing situation and they were able to stay there for two years if they needed to. That was a blessing. They got themselves together and set up again in society. Sam was able to get medication from the VA, the kids were able to be vaccinated for school and be put in preschool and Deborah was able to find a job.

They stayed for about a year and a half then moved into an apartment. A car was given to them and they were on their way back to living as people again.

Years went by dealing with a mental disability which was schizoid-effective disorder diagnosed by the VA doctors, stress and complete exhaustion in trying to live again and caring for a sick person along with two small beautiful boys. Deborah was slowly losing any attachment to Sam as all this puts a great burden on a marriage.

There were many incidents of abuse, cruelty, acting out, depression, hallucinations, and insane incidents while going off his medication which he did out of pure meanness and selfishness. He said he couldn’t function and lived in a fog on them.

So Deborah saw the after effects of all this was a sexless, eighteen year marriage. It was all due to the lack of money, deep depression, mental illness, abuse and addiction.

Deborah knew it all along but did not want to deal with it as there was no dealing with Sam. She even tried to get two other lovers to help with her loneliness. Both were disasters. She divorced Sam and put all of her attention on her children.

Sam committed suicide when the children were eleven. Just another mean thing to do. He was very irresponsible and it now showed.

Jo Ann Harris is an author, parent, book devotee, writer, copywriter, and film fanatic. She is an autodidact who learns about everything on her own. She grew up and worked in Atlanta, Georgia and lived there sixty years. She writes articles about love, hope, personal life stories, advice and poems. She is a published author with an article in Woman’s World magazine in October, 2017.