The Sexiest People Have These 20 Qualities
What if *gasp* it’s NOT about appearance?
What do you think of when you hear the word: “Sexy”? For most, particularly the men (ahem, sorry guys…) it’s directly tied to an outward appearance. A certain visual image we hold in our mind for what we consider to be physically attractive in another person.
While a physical appearance that directly aligns with our personal preferences is sexy, we all know that one’s looks are never enough to hold a relationship together.
In fact, it doesn’t even guarantee they’d be a good partner, or are even interested in (or capable of) a monogamous relationship.
I believe that once we truly internalize this reality, usually by learning it the hard way through experience, the primary question becomes:
“Okay, they’re physically attractive, but what else do they bring to the table?”
It follows, then, that this realization carries a subtext:
Looks are sexy, but other qualities are far more of an emotional turn on, and that’s what’s really important in the long run.
Let’s discuss some of these overlooked, but undoubtedly important traits that have nothing to do with what someone sees with their eyes.
1: Integrity.
How someone treats you as a partner is, obviously, highly important. Just as important, though, is how they live their life outside of the relationship.
“But James, shouldn’t I mostly be concerned with how they treat me?”
Of course the bare minimum requirement for a partner in your life should be respectful, thoughtful, and caring treatment towards you and the relationship itself.
However, I also believe that how someone treats the people they’re not trying to impress, can tell you even more about them.
It’s always possible that a person, especially early on in a relationship, is on their best behavior as they try to win you over.
You’ll observe this as they interact with the world around you…how are they treating all of the other people? What are their friendships like? How are they viewed in their business or career? What have their past relationship patterns shown about them?
Having integrity requires living in full alignment with one’s values and code of conduct. They’ll hold themselves to a certain standard that is dictated by who they are, not who the person they’re interacting with, is.
In other words: They’ll treat everyone with respect and kindness because that is simply how they operate. It’s based on them, not anyone else.
This is important because considering a lifelong commitment to someone means you’re signing up for a lifetime of shifting and changing circumstances, friendships, possibly building out of your family, changing careers, social situations — where you must have full confidence that the person you see at home is the person you can trust out in the world, as well.
I’ve heard too often about people living “double lives,” and the red flags of such having been ignored, overlooked, or completely missed.
If the person you’re with is the person you’re with at all times, you can be sure that their character is steadfast and solid.
2: Optimism.
You see that person from across the room…they’ve caught your eye.
After mustering the courage, you make your way over to them and say hello.
“Hi!” They say.
Wow, much friendlier than you expected, this is going well. Let’s have a conversation.
And then, it begins…
“The music here sucks. The food is terrible. That server messed up my drink 3 times. This always happens to me, why are people so terrible?”
Complaints. Negativity. On, and on, and on, and on…
Suddenly, you’ve completely lost any attraction you had that was strictly based on their appearance.
Now, flip the script — optimism and a generally positive demeanor draws us to people. So much so, that it enhances their appearance, because happiness and enthusiasm is, in itself, an attractive quality.
It’s also necessary for building a relationship.
If you find yourself committing to someone who always seems to be attracting drama to their life (and now, yours…), or is always complaining about someone or something, or is pessimistic towards your dreams, passions or goals — you’re quickly going to find an emotional distance forming between you.
Of course, I’m not suggesting that you find someone who’s blindly optimistic to the point where they’re disconnected from reality. We all have bad days, we all need someone to vent to sometimes, we all can feel discouraged and lost now and again…
What will show you their “default setting,” though, is how they choose to handle and recover from these phases. What mindset do they revert back to? What have their past patterns shown?
If you enjoy looking at the bright side of life, someone who’s always staring into the darkness will dilute your enthusiasm over time — life is too short for that.
3: Living with passion.
Yes, we all want passion in “that” area of life (wink, wink…), but what about the passion that extends far beyond one’s relationship?
Passion for something they’re creating. Passion for a cause they work to serve. Passion for a purpose they live for. A hobby. A craft. An art. A goal they are focused on achieving.
I believe that living a life of passion is magnetic. It emits an energy from us that draws others towards us because they can feel it, they want to feed off of it, they want to be inspired by it.
If they live their life with passion, they likely also love with passion. That will help fan the flames of love (and lust) in your relationship over the long term, and, to put it bluntly, prevent either of you from getting bored.
4: Honesty.
We’ve all seen those movie scenes when one person says something brutally honest to the other, and there’s an awkward pause…
“Oh no, argument incoming…” you think to yourself…
But then, BAM. Kissing. Passion. Lust. And…all the rest.
“What the hell just happened?” you ask.
Granted, it’s a dramatized movie given theatrical appeal and that’s not usually how things play out in real life — but I do think there is an underlying thread of truth within the story.
Honesty is sexy.
Knowing that we can trust someone to be straightforward with us makes us feel connected with them, and even safe with them.
Of course, they need to know how to do this with tact and care, and not just pound us over the head with brutal truths. There is an art to being honest with kindness.
When they are, though, it sends the message that they respect us enough to only speak what is real and true. While some may argue that telling “white lies” can serve to protect someone — and perhaps in very rare cases this could be true — I believe that most people would prefer knowing the truth, even if it’s painful. And, they will respect the person who gives it to them.
5: Reliability.
I’ve made this point before and I believe that it’s a perfect fit for this particular topic.
How in the world is reliability sexy?
It’s perhaps the unsexiest trait we can think of. Reliability is the reason why you buy a Toyota Corolla. Not because it’s “sexy.” (Sorry, Corolla owners).
The truth is though, many of you reading this probably are Corolla owners.
Why?
Because it’s the best selling car to ever exist.
That is because, at our core, most of us value reliability over sexiness. That car will do you no good if it’s always broken, no matter how good it looks.
We want to know that when we go outside to start that machine after it’s been sitting in the winter weather for days, with 350,000 miles on the clock, it’ll still start up just like it’s brand new.
We know we can count on it. It’s going to get us where we want to go. It’s built to LAST.
For that reason, we highly value it. It becomes part of our daily routine. Many will utilize it for decades to come because it’s done them well over the years, so why change it?
6: Thoughtfulness.
You’ve had a long, hard day. Your shareholders are barking at you about quarterly profits. Half of your staff is sick. You’ve been home with the kids all day and need a break.
The person we choose to have in our lives is going to be by our side through every up and down that we experience.
They’ll be there during the big important days, and all of the random Tuesdays where nothing particularly interesting happens.
Through it all, I believe someone who’s thoughtful and pays attention can make a big impact on how we’re feeling.
Conversely, someone who’s not thoughtful can make us feel even more alone through our struggles, increasing the pain and frustration.
Thoughtfulness shines through in paying attention to the small details, in doing the little things to make you feel better, in working to make your life easier without having to ask.
It lends you strength when you’re in pain, and it stands by your side to celebrate when you win.
Thoughtfulness always thinks of you, even when (especially when…) it doesn’t have a specific reason to do so.
7: Curiosity and wonder.
I believe that part of building a fulfilling and satisfying life with someone is sharing experiences new and exciting experiences together. Adventure. Exploration. Creation of memories.
The enthusiasm about doing so is rooted in one’s curiosity and wonder about the world.
What if, every time you suggest a new trip, or seeing a new sight, or wanting to learn about a new culture, or visiting an art gallery…their response is always:
“Meh.”
This takes the wind out of your sails and makes you feel like you’re stuck in a relationship that doesn’t want to go anywhere…literally.
This is how lives become mundane and routine, and relationships get stale, stagnant, and boring.
If, though, we are with a person who drives us forward, who always wants to learn new things, discover new skills, experience new places and events — it keeps us moving together, gives us plenty to talk about, and helps us learn and grow as both individuals and as a couple.
It stokes the flames of love by keeping things (quite literally) interesting.
8: Social compatibility.
I phrased this a certain way for a reason.
Not everyone is super social, or outgoing, or extroverted.
To then say that being social, or extroverted, or any certain way is “sexy” would be unfair and unjust to those who have no real control over their social desires, or lack thereof.
It’d also be inaccurate. Some people find extroversion exhausting and take no interest in it whatsoever.
This is why social compatibility is important.
When someone shares your comfort level and interest with building a social calendar — or not — it can help you connect through sharing whatever experiences light you both up.
Even if that means just sitting on the couch together to recharge after a long day.
Or, if it means attending that red carpet event you were invited to.
Or the local knitting conference.
It doesn’t matter what it is — but if one of you is always going along with what the other wants, and is secretly wishing you were doing something else the whole time, it’s eventually going to create a sense of resentment, FOMO (Fear of missing out), and an emotional distance between you as you discover that you don’t really enjoy doing the same things.
Compatibility is key, in all areas.
9: Sexual compatibility.
We can’t have an article about sexy traits and not talk about…well, sex.
The same applies from point #8, though — we all have our own wants, needs, and desires in this area.
(I’ll get into comfort and trust soon which are foundational pieces of making this point work, because you have to open up to each other).
When someone makes us feel seen and valued in this area, it’s a massive turn on. Perhaps we have ideas in our mind about the “ideal” sex life, or want to try new things, or want to stick to the old things…
Having those needs recognized and met is a huge turn on, no matter what they are for you.
If, though, you’re with someone who shares a completely opposing view of what a healthy sex life looks like, or has no interest in “your thing,” or insists on “their thing” all the time, it’s going to be much harder — if not impossible — to build a true emotional connection between you.
I believe that a lifelong intimate relationship can only survive if it prioritizes a mutually fulfilling sex life. Both people need to feel safe and valued in this area, as well as…well…”fulfilled.”
Entering into a monogamous relationship means having these conversations, finding the balance that works for both of you, and honoring each other’s needs.
If you can’t do that, a physical separation will start to form, leading to an emotional one (or vice versa), and you may not be able to bridge the gap.
10: Open-mindedness.
This, this is a big one.
Can you picture trying to build a lifelong relationship with someone who is so set in their ways, or so judgmental, or so stuck in a routine that they refuse to try anything new?
That they cannot accept your quirks or nuances or idiosyncrasies because they’re different than their own?
That they judge others harshly without knowing anything about them?
Can you imagine that?
Yeah…neither can I.
11: Gratitude.
The first step to getting more of what you want is being grateful for what you already have.
I’m not just talking about material items — the same goes for love, connection, and the like.
If you’re not grateful for the person in your life or the things they do for you, you’re on a fast-track to losing them as they begin to feel unappreciated and undervalued.
Taking time each day to feel a deep sense of gratitude for the things and people we have in our lives helps us to stay connected and grounded. It stops us from constantly yearning for more, and helps us remember how good we have it right now.
It’s also important to express our gratitude to our partner rather than just sit in the feeling of it, so they know that we are, in fact, grateful for them.
A partner worth their salt is going to put in effort to improve and enhance your life because they care about you and want to see you happy.
They could be the most selfless and giving person in the world — but if they don’t feel like you recognize or appreciate their efforts, they’ll slowly pull back and wonder if they’re putting it in the right place.
Gratitude, in all areas of life, helps us be happy with what we have while we work towards all that we want.
12: Substance.
Substance is sexy because it gives a person depth.
If we hope to form a deep connection, we cannot do it with a shallow person.
We need to explore mutual interests, values, beliefs, worldviews, passions. We need to have deep and meaningful conversations that expand beyond the ordinary. We need to learn the ins and outs of a person over the years (or decades) to come.
We’re living in a world that glorifies the exterior (as, frankly, it always has…it’s just that now we have more avenues to edit it, and show it off).
Most people are looking for who will look the best beside them in their Instagram reels or selfies.
They spend all of their time improving their bodies, but none of it enhancing their mind.
The truth is that while beauty evolves over the years, it can also fade. It doesn’t matter how chiseled that jawline is today, what will it look like in 50 or 60 years?
Love is not based on that — love is based on the substance found beneath the surface. It’s not caring what the jawline looks like because that’s not what you’ve fallen in love with.
The inner traits and qualities that person possesses are what will last far longer than physical appearance.
13: Patience.
Life is a journey of learning.
When we embark on a life alongside someone, we both learn and grow in our own ways, at our own paces.
We’ve both taken different paths to get where we are, we have different skills, and grasp concepts in different ways.
At times, this will require one partner to be patient with the other, and sometimes, the roles will reverse.
At other times it’ll have nothing to do with one’s partner, and everything to do with external circumstances.
Perhaps you’re buying a house and the search is taking forever.
Maybe you’re waiting on big news about that promotion.
Maybe you’ve just had to close your business and are figuring out your next move.
Maybe one of you is facing a health issue and waiting for a diagnosis.
Patience is the ability to stay calm when it’s the last thing in the world you want to do.
But, this very ability is what can help to temper the pain and frustration in an otherwise difficult situation.
If your partner makes every challenge, big or small, feel more chaotic and trying than it has to be, you’ll be experiencing much more stress over the years than is necessary.
14: Compassion.
If you’ve read my writing before you’ve possibly seen reminiscence about my late grandparents.
They were the traditional old school Italian couple, married for over 60 years before they passed.
This is a pattern that runs in my family. Both sides immigrated from Italy and both sides have a history of lifelong marriages and commitments.
That means, for better or worse, I’ve seen the inevitable realities of what “‘Til death do us part” really means.
It’s not something that we like to discuss, but I believe that we must within the context of lifelong relationships.
There may very well come a time when one of you needs to care for the other. Or perhaps you both require care. Or you need to care for a family member. Or, you just need support as someone in your family cares for another.
Perhaps you’ve just faced a personal challenge in a completely different area of life, or work, or health, and you look to your partner for support.
Are they willing and able to give it? Do they possess a level of compassion that can comfort you, make you feel safe, and ease the pain?
If you commit “forever” to someone, this isn’t a question of “if,” but of “when.” So, make sure this someone can be there for you when you need them the most.
15: Supportive.
You have big goals, don’t you?
You’re ambitious.
You’re driven.
You’re relentless.
You know exactly what you want to achieve and will do whatever it takes to turn it into a reality.
(You might even hire an amazing coach to take the journey with you).
What, though, if you’re with someone who is discouraging, pessimistic, or lacks belief in your dreams or abilities?
The person you spend every day, every night, every morning with — sitting there, muttering about how “it’s never going to work.”
This is why choice of a partner is so tightly tied to one’s level of success. We must, if we hope to accomplish the things we set out to, be with someone who will be a cheerleader for us — as we are for them.
Of course, we must also be truthful and honest with each other and should never support something that could be harmful or detrimental to the person we love.
But building a life together is about working as a team, and a team will never succeed if one member is always dragging it down.
16: Ambition.
Let’s flip the script on point #15…
Ambition is a sexy trait, because it’s attractive to watch someone pursue the things they love. To see their heart and soul on fire as they dive into what makes them feel truly alive. To feel the excitement when they’ve accomplished a goal, or to watch the strength they display when they fall short.
To build a life alongside someone, we must look for a person who is capable of filling that role. That takes ambition and drive.
You’re looking for a teammate who will run with you, not someone who you need to drag off of the couch just to start the race.
17: Willingness to communicate.
We all know that communication is the key to a happy relationship, but we mustn’t forget that healthy communication is the true need.
If we’re capable of communicating in healthy productive ways, it will keep the focus of conversation on the topic at hand as we work together to reach a solution, or to flirt, or have fun, or express a need.
Communication is equal parts speaking and listening, and sometimes the ratio shifts based on who needs what at the time.
If we remember to keep “the main thing the main thing,” we’ll be able to both avoid and solve problems over the years. We won’t resort to insults or personal attacks. We’ll stay focused on the goal ahead and work as a team to get there.
We’ll also be able to understand each other more — neither of you are mind readers, and you cannot get mad at someone for not filling a need that they never knew existed.
18: Stability.
“Stability” is usually a term that we hear women talking about more than men — but I believe it’s equally important to all of us in the long term.
It doesn’t matter what someone looks like or how attracted to them you are, if you never know what you’re going to get when you wake up in the morning, it’s going to create a massive strain within the relationship.
What’s more is, if they’re always bouncing from job to job, or talking about moving far away, or feel generally erratic and unsettled, it’s going to feel difficult to fully give yourself or your emotions to this person, as they may leave at a moment’s notice.
This does not mean they’re a bad person, it could just simply mean that they’re not ready for the same level of relationship that you are.
If that’s the case, have the strength and courage to let them go and explore what they need to. You’ll both be better off that way.
19: Personal accountability.
You understand how important this is if you’ve ever been with someone who refused to apologize or take responsibility for their actions…total turn off, not to mention a sign of narcissism.
We may think that making mistakes will “ruin our chances” with someone, or cause them to walk away from us…
This, I know from experience, is a sign of deep rooted insecurity.
The truth is that most people aren’t looking for someone who’s “perfect,” because they know it doesn’t exist.
They are, though, looking for someone who’s willing to apologize, own up when they’ve done something wrong, and then put in the work to fix it.
That’s far sexier than pretending to be “perfect” ever will be.
20: A healthy focus on THEMSELVES.
This trait is not the same as selfishness. That’d never be listed in sexy qualities.
Self-care, though, is a far different story.
When one can focus on themselves in a healthy and balanced way, they prioritize their own physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health.
As a result, they remain energized, focused, and present in the moment.
They’re better equipped to love others if they’ve practiced loving themselves.
They can stay connected to you emotionally. They can keep up with you physically. They’ll be brighter and more vibrant.
Many of us have been fed the narrative that caring for ourselves is “selfish” and that we should always put others first — but the truth is that if we do that for too long, without stopping to refuel, we’ll inevitably run out of energy and our ability to serve others will disappear.
The most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one with yourself. If that one isn’t healthy, none of your others will be.
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- James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.
- Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.
- James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.
