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Abstract

rocess your rage, you might ask yourself the following questions:<ul><li>Why didn’t I listen to more Vapor Soul music like my cool, parasocial friends so I could have a chicer listening personality?</li><li>This is Taylor’s fault! If she didn’t release an album a month and half before the algorithm starts collecting data, maybe I’d have a more eclectic Spotify Wrapped that picked up on that one week where I listened to Mannequin Pussy and Sloppy Jane!</li><li>How did I listen to so much Taylor Swift? Why was I mainlining Red (Taylor’s Version) when I could have been listening to her 2006 eponymous classic, and audio treatise on the fleeting nature of adolescence, Taylor Swift?</li></ul>Stage 4: BargainingTime to beg. During this stage, you might find yourself pleading to a higher power, saying you’ll do anything to change your results, going so far as to finally admit that Harry Styles is not a modern-day Prince. But I assure you, no one is listening, and you cannot bargain your way out of the basic bitch you really are.Stage 5: DepressionOn your path towards accepting your Spotify Wrapped results, your grief may manifest itself as symptoms that are typical with depression. This can include:<ul><li>Finding little or no joy in sharing your results on your Instagram story.</li><li>Feeling horrified by the sheer number of times you listened to Midnights (3am Edition) on repeat without a care in the world.</li><li>And forcibly watching your friend’s Instagram stories about their results to punish you

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rself for being so uncultured.</li></ul>Stage 6: ReconstructionThe reconstruction stage is all about rebuilding your life to coexist with grief. You might find yourself taking notes from other people’s Wrapped results, saving obscure albums to your library, and setting schedules to listen to more confusing genres like Wonky, Lowercase, Neo Mellow, Meme Rap, and Permanent Wave even though they’ll never bring you the same amount of joy as Fearless (Taylor’s Version).Stage 7: AcceptanceIf you’ve reached this stage of the grieving process, congrats! True acceptance sees you owning your basic tastes and finding pride in listening to so much Taylor Swift because listening to her music, but especially her re-recorded albums, is actually a radical act of resistance against this capitalist structure that tries to own our creativity so it can be peddled out for cash at their whim without any regard to the original creator.Anyway, working towards acceptance can help ease the pain of grief from your Spotify Wrapped results. The quicker you accept that you listened to Taylor Swift’s Midnights album non-stop instead of expanding your music tastes like an upstanding member of society, the quicker you can go back to listening to the artistic masterpiece that is “Blank Space” on repeat.Emily Knapp is a queer/NBi/neurodivergent/Colorado-based writer, comedian, ski junkie, and soup enthusiast. Their stuff can be found on emilyknappwriter.com. You can find her in the mountains.</article></body>

The Seven Stages of Accepting Your Spotify Wrapped Results

We’re here for you and all feelings are valid.

Stage 1: Shock

Your Spotify Wrapped has arrived and it’s not what you expected. It’s painful. It’s shocking. It’s telling you that three of your top five artists are Taylor Swift.

Shock is one of the first stages of grief and in those moments, you might find the initial hours, and even days, to be filled with never ending doom scrolling, screaming into the void, and listening to “All Too Well (Sad Girl Autumn Version)” on repeat until you start to believe the red scarf symbolizes your virginity, too.

Stage 2: Denial

During this stage, it’s typical to try and convince yourself that you don’t care about Spotify Wrapped. That these results don’t matter, let alone define you. You might have thoughts like, “wow, Beth Ann really listens to a lot of Taylor Swift. At least I’m not like her!” But we assure you, you are.

Stage 3: Anger

Lashing out, berating yourself, and being frustrated at your basic music tastes being revealed to the world are all symptoms of this volatile, necessary stage. To help process your rage, you might ask yourself the following questions:

Why didn’t I listen to more Vapor Soul music like my cool, parasocial friends so I could have a chicer listening personality?
This is Taylor’s fault! If she didn’t release an album a month and half before the algorithm starts collecting data, maybe I’d have a more eclectic Spotify Wrapped that picked up on that one week where I listened to Mannequin Pussy and Sloppy Jane!
How did I listen to so much Taylor Swift? Why was I mainlining Red (Taylor’s Version) when I could have been listening to her 2006 eponymous classic, and audio treatise on the fleeting nature of adolescence, Taylor Swift?

Stage 4: Bargaining

Time to beg. During this stage, you might find yourself pleading to a higher power, saying you’ll do anything to change your results, going so far as to finally admit that Harry Styles is not a modern-day Prince. But I assure you, no one is listening, and you cannot bargain your way out of the basic bitch you really are.

Stage 5: Depression

On your path towards accepting your Spotify Wrapped results, your grief may manifest itself as symptoms that are typical with depression. This can include:

Finding little or no joy in sharing your results on your Instagram story.
Feeling horrified by the sheer number of times you listened to Midnights (3am Edition) on repeat without a care in the world.
And forcibly watching your friend’s Instagram stories about their results to punish yourself for being so uncultured.

Stage 6: Reconstruction

The reconstruction stage is all about rebuilding your life to coexist with grief. You might find yourself taking notes from other people’s Wrapped results, saving obscure albums to your library, and setting schedules to listen to more confusing genres like Wonky, Lowercase, Neo Mellow, Meme Rap, and Permanent Wave even though they’ll never bring you the same amount of joy as Fearless (Taylor’s Version).

Stage 7: Acceptance

If you’ve reached this stage of the grieving process, congrats! True acceptance sees you owning your basic tastes and finding pride in listening to so much Taylor Swift because listening to her music, but especially her re-recorded albums, is actually a radical act of resistance against this capitalist structure that tries to own our creativity so it can be peddled out for cash at their whim without any regard to the original creator.

Anyway, working towards acceptance can help ease the pain of grief from your Spotify Wrapped results. The quicker you accept that you listened to Taylor Swift’s Midnights album non-stop instead of expanding your music tastes like an upstanding member of society, the quicker you can go back to listening to the artistic masterpiece that is “Blank Space” on repeat.

Emily Knapp is a queer/NBi/neurodivergent/Colorado-based writer, comedian, ski junkie, and soup enthusiast. Their stuff can be found on emilyknappwriter.com. You can find her in the mountains.