The Seven Reasons That Jesus Would Have Failed Seminary

Why Bible College ain’t no place for the central character of the Bible

Seminary.

The place where aspiring ministers of the Gospel of Jesus Christ go to be trained and equipped for the good work they will do for the Lord. At seminary, budding pastors are taught to handle the word of God with appropriate care and respect and how to administer the highest office in the church faithfully.

All pastors are expected to go to seminary at one point or another.

However, the more I think about it, the more I believe that Jesus would have failed seminary. Actually, I think his enrolment would have been terminated well before he had the opportunity to fail. There’s no doubt in my mind that Jesus would have caused all kinds of grief for his professors with what would have been viewed as insolent behavior. And, imagining that Jesus somehow, miraculously managed to graduate, I can’t image a church ever wanting Jesus as a pastor, anyway.

Here are a few reasons why I think Jesus would be shown the exit door at most religious institutions:

He hung out with the wrong crowd

There’s absolutely no way that a guy who hangs out with prostitutes is not going to be issued a “please explain” from their seminary professors.

Yes, Jesus was renowned for keeping company with all kinds of disreputables — the gutter trash of the society of his day. He would dine with tax collectors, who were among the most despised people in his culture. He would allow women to speak with him in public — conduct that was culturally unacceptable for Rabbis like Jesus. He even touched lepers. Ewww!

His posse of personal followers included a religious extremist, a tax collector, and a bunch of blue-collar fishermen — not exactly known for their good standing in the community.

The religious leaders were indignant, of course. On one occasion, when he was having dinner at Matthew the tax collector’s house, many other tax collectors and sinners came and ate with him and his disciples. When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?” (Matthew 9:10–11)

If Jesus came today, I wonder who he would hang out with? I wonder who would be in his inner circle? Somehow, I don’t think it would include a white-haired, liver-spotted, bible-clutching preacher wearing a neatly pressed pinstriped suit.

He butchered the Bible

Jesus used to quote scripture all the time. Of course, the only scripture that Jesus had was the Old Testament, and he was more than fond of whipping out a verse here and there.

The only problem is that when it comes to interpreting Scripture, Jesus did everything that I was taught not to do when I went through seminary. He took verses out of context. He was more than happy to put his own twist on time-honored mosaic laws and add a few things here and there. One of his favorite lines was, “You’ve heard it said… but I say this.”

Jesus defended his association with sinners using the Old Testament (Mathew 9:13) and even had the gall to claim that the Old Testament prophecy about the coming Messiah was actually referring to Him (Luke 4:18–19). That would surely get you kicked out of seminary!

He wasn’t married

You just can’t walk into a pastoral job of any kind unless you have a trophy wife at your side. Maybe Jesus could have scored a gig as a youth pastor while he was single, but there’s no way he would be promoted to the main stage until he had proven himself to be, err… heterosexual enough and able to be the head of a family.

Yes, even though Jesus was single, the church inadvertently perpetuates the idea that singleness is bad. When Christians remain single, we begin to wonder what’s wrong with them as they get older. Are their standards too high? Are they… you know… gay?

Eventually, we pity them, as if they were destined for a miserable life. Yet, the Apostle Paul comes along in 1 Corinthians 7 and lifts up singleness as a legitimate way to live — calling singleness a gift. However, it’s not enough of a gift to qualify single people for ministry. Seriously, how many single pastors do you know? In the evangelical church, husband and wife are virtually a package deal — with husband at the head, of course!

He had little regard for institutionalized religion

Jesus was no respecter of man-made religious institutions and traditions. In fact, more than once, he found himself clashing with religious leaders over his apparently lax adherence to the religious customs of his day.

He was more than happy to point out when religious institutions had lost sight of God in favor of performance-based religion and rule-keeping. And when he saw hypocrisy, he called it out. Jesus came to connect people to God and make God known as a God for all people and was scathing on anything and anyone who stood in the way.

I can only imagine how Jesus might relate to many churches and church leaders today. Let’s just say I don’t think too many preachers would be opening up their pulpits to Jesus.

And since seminary is also a religious institution, I can’t imagine Jesus breezing through a theology degree without making some serious waves for the people in charge.

He didn’t honor the biggest donors

I once worked with a Pastor who led a church that ran two different church services. One service was attended predominately by adult members who were, by virtue of the stage of life they were in, mostly established in the workforce and earning a reasonable income. The other service was attended by college students and young people who did not earn much money at all. Consequently, the donations collected at the first service eclipsed the donations collected at the second service by a significant margin.

The pastor at this particular church would often refuse to preach at the second service, giving the lion’s share of his time and effort to the service attended by the financially well-endowed. I suppose this can happen when the Pastor’s livelihood is dependent mainly on his ability to generate financial gifts to the church in the form of tithes and offerings, but in reality, it amounts to nothing more than favoring the rich over the poor.

Jesus, on the other hand, refused to honor those who gave out of their abundance. Consider this story from Mark 12:41:44:

“Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a few cents.”

“Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, “Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth, but she, out of her poverty, put in everything — all she had to live on.”

Given that churches and seminaries, like many higher education institutions, rely on wealthy donors, Jesus would cause real problems if he downplayed the financial gifts of the rich.

He challenged the status quo

Churches pride themselves on being an oasis of stability and predictability, but Jesus came to disturb the status quo. In fact, Jesus ushered in an entirely new way of thinking, believing, and living — one that would upset the apple cart of the religion of the day. He was the first reformer of the faith.

That’s why he was crucified.

I’d suggest that if Jesus came today, he might just do the same with modern Christianity. How much of modern Christianity consists of what is actually peripheral to the true essence of the faith? What would Jesus make of our big, fancy buildings, our paid clergy, our religious institutions and education, and the burden of religious performance we place on believers? Would he challenge the way we do church?

Yep.

And he’d probably get crucified again.

He trashed the place

When many people think of Jesus, they often think of a gentle, placid figure who taught others to love God and each other. And this is true — for the most part.

However, at one point in the gospels, Jesus was so appalled with the state of the Temple of God that he ripped through the place with a whip that he braided with his own two hands, overturning tables and driving out those who were exploiting religion for profit. It was a violent reaction against a religious system that was taking advantage of the poor and those who were genuinely seeking the favor of God.

What would Jesus make of our modern ‘temples?’ Would Jesus be upset by the overpriced books in the church bookstore? The barista made coffee? The ATM machine in the foyer? The twenty-minute long ‘mini-sermons’ that are given before the offering is collected, where an earnest plea for financial gifts is given with the promise of greater blessings in return?

Would Jesus take to our modern religious institutions with a whip?

Could a seminary handle Jesus?

Do you really think that Jesus would make it through seminary?

Do you think a seminary would throw open its arms to a man who called out hypocrisy when he saw it? Do you think they would allow a man to subvert time-honored systems of authority that are designed to maintain order and power and control? Do you think seminary would tolerate a man who spends the lion’s share of his time with those who society despises? Would a seminary put up with a man who refused to toe the ‘company line?’ Would a seminary welcome a man who shows scant regard for religious traditions — a man who demands change?

I’m sure the answer is a resounding yes — in theory. In practice, though, I’m not sure if a seminary could handle Jesus. It might just be easier to kill the man who rocks the boat of our religious institutions.

Dan Foster is the author of “Leaving Church, Finding God: Discovering Faith Beyond Organized Religion.”

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