I LIKE MY WOMEN THE WAY I LIKE MY CARS CHEAP AND DOMESTIC

The Seven Greatest Girlfriend Cars of All Time

My tribute to car lists

If I am doom scrolling on social media and I see a list of cars, I will click it. Facebook and Instagram are aware of this. As a result they’re always showing me ads for car listicles in my feed. I will always click on as many as they care to show me.

I haven’t read that story yet, but I already know that the story is poorly written by someone using a pen name. The author did no research on the story besides glancing at Wikipedia while downloading Creative Commons licensed photos.

I don’t care. Pictures of cars separated by the blabbering of the person who found the pictures in list form is my everything. I can’t get enough car lists. I don’t watch sports, but I think my looking at pictures of cars affliction is a bigger waste of time.

I wrote this list a long time ago. It was rejected by Hot Cars, Speed & Road, and Auto Driver Illustrated. It got a little too real for a car list.

Cars owned by my ex-girlfriends

7. Ford Escort

I didn’t like the third generation Escort but some how I managed to date 4 women that all owned one. I don’t think any of them liked theirs either.

Martha had a red one like one above only it was a 4 door, Kristi had a silver one, and Leslie Ann also had a silver one but hers was the 2 door ZX2. Then about five years ago I dated Barb who had a black one.

My favorite thing about the car was getting out of it. We took my car a lot.

6. Lexus SC 430

Top Gear called the Lexus SC 430, “The worst car in the history of the world.” I don’t think it’s the worst car, but it does suck. Angela had a black one that got totaled. I told her she could get a real car now. But she went and got another one in shit brown! Oh but it’s the Pebble Beach edition this time. Featuring Pebble Beach edition branding that added 2k to the price.

(Correction: The Pebble Beach edition was an additional 10k. Source:Angela)

The problem with the SC it is it’s expensive and pointless. It’s got a V8 engine with 300 horsepower but isn’t fast and gets terrible gas mileage. It’s too heavy with the folding metal roof. It’s cramped. It’s loud with the top up or down. It’s trunk is only big enough for three bags of groceries. The only thing the back seat is good for is two more bags of groceries. It’s a pointless car.

Still, it’s unique because no one bought it. I suppose owning a car known as the worst car in the history of the world has some bragging rights.

5. Toyota Tercel

I dated Destiny for a hot minute before the turn of the century. I don’t think I’d remember her if it wasn’t for her car. A shoe box of an old Toyota. It was one of the last of it’s kind on the road 10 years later. She painted a one-of-a-kind mural on it that made them both memorable.

This image.

Speaking of old things that weren’t popular and sucked, the gangster Romeo and Juliet Movie. She painted a mural on the side of her car of this and other imagery of the movie. Somehow she got it to stay there. It was really good painting of a very weird and quickly forgotten movie.

The car was a bucket with a motor but it got a lot of looks. Destiny was cool. I think. I remember the car more than her.

4. Saab 9–2X Aero

The Saabaru is one of the strangest rebadgings ever. Take a Subaru WRX, add a hundred pounds of sound deadening and slap some Saab badges on it. I had a friend with a real Saab and the only thing Saab like about the Saabaru was it had 4 wheels.

Saab didn’t have a wagon to sell and they had always had a wagon. At the time GM owned Saab and most of Subaru. They said fuck it and slapped Bavarian branding on possibly the most Japanese car ever.

It might be all wheel drive but it’s the first car I’ve ever spun out in the snow. It’s the slowest fast car I’ve ever driven. The 5 speed automatic didn’t help. It’s got no torque until you get to 3000 RPM. Then the thing takes off like a bat out of hell. Turning in front of trucks sucks.

Still, it looked great. Can’t say the same about her.

3. Tesla Model 3

It’s got almost infinite horsepower, you never need gas, and the car drives its self. You should never drink and drive, but if you do there’s little not to like.

Until it’s time to charge the damn thing. There’s a lots of charging stations in LA. But there’s a ton of Teslas too. If it’s prime time every charger is going to be taken with the line going around the block. It still takes over two hours to fully charge a battery at a super charger and chargers you see elsewhere take six.

She wanted to take her car camping. We go to leave and need to pick up her friend, then we needed to charge the Tesla but all the spots were full and there were 10 cars waiting. We went to another charging station where after an hour a charger becomes available.

We’re sitting outside her car after our trip was delayed for 4 hours with another hour to go. I have to ask her, “This is better than a regular car how?”

“Shut up.” Was her reply.

2. Volvo S60 T6 Polestar

We found it on a CarMax lot. She couldn’t afford it but she couldn’t afford not to buy it. It was a 2012 S60 T6 Polestar BUT there was no 2012 S60 T6 Polestar. There was no Polestar package in 2012 and in 2013 there was only the S60R Polestar. The numbers showed the car as T60 vs a T60R but this car had all the R upgrades and then some.

Whatever it was, it was a beast. 3.0 inline six with twin turbos and twin intercoolers. I think it had around 400 horsepower with all wheel drive. It could pass everything on the road but a gas station.

She was a terrible driver and losing her mind so I did most of the driving. It was at the height of my addiction, when I still had the income to support a habit. The automatic braking probably prolonged my addiction but prevented me from rear ending dozens of people. It had lane assist cruise control but nothing like the Tesla.

The most terrifying moment of my drug addiction was when I woke up at the wheel of the Volvo when the car’s auto braking slammed on the brakes because I was about to hit a tree.

I had fallen asleep or nodded out driving home and wound up at almost a 45 degree angle off road on the shoulder of the freeway. I was able to swerve to avoid it and drove away. My girlfriend was asleep. She never woke up and I never told her what happened.

1. Mini Cooper S

How can anything be more fun than an accidentally sold Volvo prototype? Having a girlfriend with a Mini Cooper S. The Mini Cooper S is the perfect girlfriend car.

A good girlfriend car is something fun to drive and cool looking but an unreliable money pit you would never own yourself. You get to drive it, she pays the repair bills. When it inevitably breaks and dies like a Mini Cooper does you help her make the decision to buy something else dumb.

The gas pedal was more like a switch. Stop or full speed. You could not drive that car slow. It made me do every right hand turn at 25 miles an hour. She couldn’t be mad because that’s how you had to drive it.

That’s my car list. So what did your previous or current significant other drive?