The Secure Attachment Style Checklist: 8 Must-Have Qualities to Possess

Take charge of your future.

Do you have the ability to define attachment theory?

Beyond that attachment theory, can you define your attachment style?

While we all should be securely attached, the sad truth is only about 40% of people are.

Our attachment style was created by how we viewed and received love. It also developed through the reaction given by our caregivers to our needs.

Changing your attachment style can be done by reprogramming and personal growth. You do not need to forget everything you have ever understood about love and relationships.

Below I focus on the core qualities of those who have achieved the secure attachment style. If you are missing a few or need to develop, don’t panic. The goal is to grow, not to feel deficient.

Ability to regulate your emotions.

Regulating your emotions is mastered when you recognize triggers and react to them with less intensity.

Do not ignore your emotions in the process. At the core of our response to triggers is our ability to process them. We all get mad, sad, angry, etc.

Is your response to your emotions shutting down and looking for answers internally? Are you on the other side of the spectrum and have outbursts because you desperately want to be heard?

Regulating your response is developing healthy habits to progress through your emotions without losing control.

Recognize your internal narrative and seek to understand.

What is the story you tell yourself?

Do you make assumptions such as, “My partner is late to pick me up because they don’t care about me?”

One problem this creates is your story builds a wall between your truth and the real truth. You might think this is a relatively small issue, but it builds resentment over time.

Control the narrative you create by being open with your partner. Maybe they had a rough day and jumped through hoops to get to you.

If you can create a space to be open with your partner, they will not feel the blame in your tone but rather a means to communicate and share the real story with you.

Healing core wounds “I am ___” beliefs.

You don’t have the same core wounds as your partner.

You often ask your partner to fulfill needs they are not missing in their lives. It is hard for your partner to cure your core wounds because they did not live through your childhood.

You have to drop the I am unworthy, unloved, not heard, disrespected, abandoned, and second place beliefs.

The best way to drop your core wounds is to attack them. Pick the items you find yourself challenged to overcome.

Relationships can go through turmoil when you believe your partner creates the inconsistency you feel. When you have uncured wounds, you project them onto your partner’s actions.

Feel comfortable communicating your needs to other people.

You feel worthy of having your needs met, and you can also receive the needs of others.

A piece of communicating needs that is important is that you have to relay behavioral needs instead of emotional needs.

I need to feel loved is not a need; it is an emotion.

When you go out of your way to spend quality time with me, I feel loved. This relays a behavioral need.

Send a positive message to your partner. In this short example, you are not pointing the finger at what your partner is doing incorrectly.

You are guiding them towards building upon what they are doing well and satisfying your needs.

You trust that someone will follow through.

You cannot voice a need and expect your partner to follow through immediately as if a light switch just went off.

You might have to remind your partner that you feel an emotional trigger.

Trust that your partner’s deficiencies are not coming from a place of carelessness.

Give your partner time to adjust and recognize how they can be better. Remember, this is something that has been in your mind for decades. Your partner can not hear this need, and snap a cape on and save the day.

Come back to the drawing board and remind your partner of what you expressed previously. Your needs are not engrained in their subconscious until they practice engaging them.

Ability to express boundaries and uphold them.

There are two pieces to setting boundaries; recognition and communication.

Know the different boundaries you have in a relationship; time, emotion, material, physical, sexual, etc.

The second piece is the ability to communicate them without building a wall.

These pieces sound simple enough, right.

Communicating your boundaries can not all be in the form of don’t, can’t, won’t. Boundaries need to have the intention of growth and comfortability with letting someone in your space.

For example, a healthy boundary is I would like to have a weekly emotional check-in.

Ability to empath properly and not internalize someone’s behavior.

I have a difficult time with this task.

Once you have executed the previous techniques and qualities, you have to be available to validate your partner.

The previous qualities are internal while this one is external.

You have to be able to empathize with someone else’s emotional perspective even when you don’t agree with the behavior.

Take a moment and have the ability to embrace your partner’s mindset. Your partner is not crazy or losing control.

Focus on how they have come to an emotional conclusion without inserting what you did correctly to deter them from feeling how they do.

Eliminate the word but…

I see how you feel this way but…Will only make your partner feel invalidated.

I see how you feel this way, I thought…This goes far for recognizing your partner’s perspective and giving them feedback while allowing them to add on to your response.

Possess a strong sense of self-identity and your direction for your life.

You don’t have to be there right now.

You do need to know who you are and what you want.

You have moved past core wounds, what you are missing in your life, past pain, and trauma that you project onto others.

In this stage, you are focusing on development and action.

You are not focusing on the who and when but the how and why.

Your mind focuses on the vision and what strategies you can implement to embed them into your lifestyle.

Quick message

Be honest with yourself.

Are you struggling with any of the points in this article?

The point isn’t to shame you and make you feel that you are coming up short.

Most likely, you are not missing all 8 but have a couple of points for growth.

Reprogram and eliminate are two different words. You are not an unworthy, broken person.

In the following weeks, I will share some how-to articles based on reprogramming your current attachment style and getting to the secure attachment style we all need for a healthy dating life.