NOT SATIRE. NOT BY A LONG CHALK.

The Secret to Longevity That No One Wants You to Know

Incontrovertible Proof That Exercise Is Bad For You.

Have you come here because you have seen the subtitle and you think it is wrong? Do you think exercise is good for you?

Well, I’ve got news.

This article is not aimed at you. Click away immediately. Just Google “the benefits of exercise”, and you will find millions of articles that will make you feel SO good about your choice to run, cycle or go to the gym.

1,940 million of them, to be precise. Or 1.94 billion, if you prefer. Behold:

Now look how many there are for those of us who don’t like to exercise:

That is right. Zero. It looks as if there is one about mental health benefits, but it is a trick. When you click on it, you find yet another article to make exercise freaks feel good about themselves.

People believe what they want to believe, and it is very important that they can find evidence to back up their beliefs.

But there is a gaping hole in the internet for those of us who believe exercise is bad for us. It is time to redress the balance. 1,940,000,001 to zero just isn’t fair.

The Following Content Is Only for People Who Do Not Like to Exercise or Can’t for Some Reason

So don’t get all huffy with me in the comments section if you choose to read on and then don’t like what you find. I’ve noticed people can get a bit huffy when their world view gets challenged.

Right, it’s just us now. I understand you and I’m here to help. I hate exercise, too. I only do it by accident. Which means I will walk (slowly) when I have to get somewhere. And I will clean the house and garden (otherwise things get out of hand and the neighbours complain). But I intuitively know that doing anything that makes me breathe hard isn’t good for me, and I can prove it. Yes, I can.

This Is Not the Main Proof but You Should Bear It In Mind

I first learned about the benefits of not exercising as an acupuncture student. I was taught that the Chinese believe we are each born with so many breaths, and when we have used them up, we die.

I think that is why so many Buddhist monks meditate for hours daily. They are slowing their breathing down so they can live longer.

Why do any exercise that makes you breathe quicker? You are just going to die sooner. It makes no sense.

This Is Also Not the Main Proof but You Should Bear It in Mind

When I was a practising acupuncturist (for over 30 years), those who were in the most pain were the ones who had done the most exercise. They were all either sports professionals or ballet dancers, and they had worn out their bodies and joints by exercising. And breathing too much.

The Incontrovertible Proof

To prove my theory, I have done a very scientific survey and copious amounts of research*, which I shall share with you here. Settle down in that comfy chair and take a nice slow breath.

Here are details of three creatures that live a long time:

1. Greenland Shark. They have a life expectancy of 272–400 years and are described as “sluggish.” They swim at 1.8mph, which is equivalent to a slow walk. A nice leisurely amble, if you like.
2. Giant Tortoise. These marvellous role models have an average lifespan of 100, but if they take it easy, they can live much longer. Jonathan is a Seychelles one, and he is the oldest living land animal. He is 191 and he never runs.
3. The tuatara is a lizard-like reptile native to New Zealand that can live well over 100 years. Tuatara’s have a low body temperature (which is the opposite of what happens when you exercise) and a slow metabolism (which is the exact opposite of the effects of exercise).

More Proof

The breath rate of a giant tortoise is four breaths per minute. Probably about the same as a meditating Buddhist monk. By contrast, the breath rate of a mouse is 308 to 385 breaths per minute (which is about what my breath rate would be if I were to take up running). The oldest living mouse died at age 9. Nine, I tell you. Breathing too fast is just not good for you.

What You Should Do if You Can’t Exercise but Would Like To

I can help with this, too. Some proper scientists did some fabulous research proving that if you imagine yourself exercising, it can impact muscle strength. A genius finding that should have gone viral in my book. It means you can hedge your bets. You can get the benefits of exercise without getting out of breath, or more importantly your chair. Just use your imagination.

I think Einstein was referring to precisely this when he spoke about imagination being more important than anything else. Einstein’s exercise routine consisted of a daily walk, playing the violin and sleeping for ten hours. It did NOT involve any running or getting out of breath.

A word of caution

I do need to add a note of caution. Zero exercise is also bad for you. If you take anything to the extreme it backfires on you. The Koala bears didn’t get that message. They breathe at about the same rate as humans and don’t exercise much, but they only live to about age 20. How could this be possible? It flies in the face of my research. The answer? They sleep for 18–20 hours a day. They’ve just gone and taken it too far.

So be sensible about this. Do like I do and stay safe: exercise by accident.

*For which read: I have spent about 20 minutes online gathering data to back up my belief. My husband, Roger, informs me this is something called “Confirmation Bias”. This doesn’t sound very scientific, so I have rearranged the letters and discovered it can be changed to: “Basic Information”, so I think we are good.

While you are here, can I ask one tiny favour? Join me in welcoming Tai Le Grice back. She has been away, and I think she overdid the exercise thing. We need to support her decision to spend more time in her chair, writing, and doing less running around. Thank you.