The Secret To Being An Effective Upstander?

It starts with being quiet

There’s currently a lot of talk about how others (particularly men) can help women facing discrimination, harassment and abuse. Usually called “bystander intervention” (I prefer “upstander”), the call is out for more people to intervene when women are being targeted. This is a good thing. Standing back and saying nothing adds to the problem because it validates the offender and can lead to more serious abuse.

Silence is complicity.

What I’m also seeing, though, are men who profess to be allies, who recognise the need for upstanding, but want it on their terms. When women describe experiences they find offensive, alarming, scary or painful, these men designate themselves as the arbiters of what’s legit. In what is the epitome of Mansplaining (yes, I’m using that word), they seek to tell women how they should feel despite probably never having been in that situation.

Take flashing, for example. Otherwise known as exposing your genitals to complete strangers for God knows what reason, it’s been news in the UK recently. The pondscum policeman who murdered Sarah Everard two years ago was recently sentenced to an additional nineteen months for indecent exposure, a crime he committed just four days before Sarah’s horrific ordeal.

Apart from discussions about whether or not her murder could have been avoided, the inevitable debate arose about how offensive flashing really is. On his LBC radio show, James O’Brian asked, “Who decided that flashing was just smutty seaside postcard territory? It wasn’t women.”

Indeed.

As expected, there were the ‘relative privation’ comments, pointing out that “It’s disgusting but not on the same scale as rape and murder.” Head-slapping powers of observation from that guy, who was really trying to say, “Come on ladies, it’s not like you were raped. Stop looking for something to be offended by.”

When women try to report flashing to the police, it’s often not taken seriously. One woman was told “You know, it’s not that bad, is it, in the grand scheme of things? It could have been worse”. The woman later learned that the flasher was out on bail. She was the eighth woman he had attacked, his behaviour escalating with each one. In other words, it did get worse.

The Guardian newspaper studied official data and reported that:

“…analysis of Office for National Statistics (ONS) and Ministry of Justice data for England and Wales revealed that 10,775 indecent exposure cases were logged by police in 2020, but just 594 suspects were taken to court.”

Loud enough for those at the back — Women don’t like being flashed.

The experience is upsetting and often scary since we don’t know the guy’s next move. Several women report being followed by the men whose car details they’d attempted to photograph. Many worry that if the flashers are not apprehended, they will continue flashing, and the crimes will likely escalate. The authorities and the general public dismiss both women’s initial alarm and their concern about unfolding events.

Ditto with harassment on public transport, also in the news due to the report issued by the Scottish government’s Transport Scotland. Women are frequently hassled on buses and trains, yet time after time, fellow passengers look away, sending the message that it’s no big deal. Even though embarrassment or fear is written across the woman’s face, others decide on the legitimacy of her emotions and act accordingly.

“Banter” is another area where women are told what to feel - Ignore it, learn to take a joke, or stop looking for something to be offended by. No matter that banter is designed to get a reaction, the target rarely gets to react without being policed. Despite this so-called sexist humor masking a biased attitude, women aren’t usually supported when they object to it.

Cat-calling (aka Public Street Harassment) possibly comes in for the most policing. Men and many older women dismiss and mock women who complain about it. Others think it’s limited to building sites (a bad enough scenario) or wolf whistles from passing cars, when in reality it can be far more threatening.

Men — I would love that if it happened to me. Older women — Appreciate it while you can!

Just don’t.

If your reaction is one of these, ask yourself why:

• I wouldn’t have reacted like that; she needs to get a grip. Great, but this isn’t you, and you are superimposing your experience and role in the power dynamic. You probably would react differently because you hold more power or have less to lose. That’s why many women ‘put up with it’ — whether it’s personal safety or job security, the backlash is too costly. This is someone who needs assistance and empathy rather than judgement.
• She’s making it out to be more than it is. This is usually not true. These situations are embarrassing for women, who typically avoid attracting further attention. How often have we heard, “I didn’t want to make a fuss” or “It wasn’t the right time”? If anything, women minimise harassment and abuse; when they eventually push back, the proverbial straw has usually broken the camel’s back. Again, a situation that requires empathy, not judgement.
• I don’t believe this really happens. When thousands of women report harassment at work or on the street, the fact that you’ve never seen it or known a victim doesn’t mean it’s not a problem. It’s not possible to experience everything, but putting yourself in someone else’s shoes is entirely do-able.
• It’s satire, don’t take it seriously. As seen on social media, this tells women that the comment might be offensive, but the back story renders it harmless. Not only telling a woman how to react, but you’re also assuming she doesn’t know of the alleged satire. A satirical ‘joke’ that degrades women still degrades women. There will be some readers who don’t know it’s a parody account, and others who don’t care and want any excuse to vent their misogyny.

For would-be upstanders to be truly effective, they must listen to women and keep quiet when they say they were offended, scared or humiliated. Don’t second guess.

If you only intervene when you understand or approve of the victim’s response, you’re not doing it right.