The Secret to a Successful Friends With Benefits Arrangement.

Friends with benefits relationships can be positive experiences for all involved. They can also cause deep pain and ruin friendships.

“In the most basic sense, a friends with benefits relationship is one in which two people are physically intimate with one another, yet they’re not committed to each other in any way. In other words, people involved in a friends with benefits relationship clearly enjoy spending time together and hooking up, but their relationship isn’t romantic and has no strings attached.” Stacey Laura Lloyd Friends With Benefits: What Does It Mean and Is It Right for You?

A friend began dating a man she knew. She considered this man a casual friend. Someone she liked a lot and was friendly with. The man was coming out of a failed marriage and hadn’t given himself much time to heal.

After my first marriage broke apart, I took a year to work through the failure in my own mind. That’s just me.

It wasn’t long before the man realized he wasn’t ready for a serious, monogamous relationship. He was honest with my friend. Then he suggested they have a “friends with benefits” relationship (or FWB).

He did give her a little time to consider it. He intended to date other people immediately, though. The relationship was going to be an FWB or back to casual friendship.

I recommended against accepting his offer. I have no problem with an FWB, in theory, or in practice. My opinion was based on knowledge of my friend and the fact that this man was coming out of a traumatic break-up.

Trauma causes emotional instability. When your emotions are all over the place, it is hard to be logical. It can be difficult to chart out the parameters of a relationship. Especially one with the potential pitfalls of an FWB.

Against my advice, she decided to try it. It didn’t go well. She was prepared for a relationship with no strings, or at least was willing to give it a go. What she wasn’t prepared to do was listen to him talk about other women.

She felt guilty that she couldn’t listen to her FWB partner talk about nailing other women! I call bullshit on this. No, an FWB didn’t mean he had a free pass to discuss dating and sleeping with other women. He didn’t get to tell her about the fantasy scenarios he had enacted with other women. That was rude.

Ok, I don’t know that he did that last bit. I’m embellishing in my mind. I don’t know the exact words he used or how many details he included. I do know my friend hurt when he talked about the other people he was dating and having sex with.

My friend’s casual hook-up completely forgot the friend part of the FWB. I suspect neither of them spent enough time laying out in detail the rules of their arrangement. They had different ideas about what the other person expected.

Their arrangement crashed and burned. Luckily, they were able to salvage some part of their original friendship.

My point isn’t that this was a bad guy. He is reportedly a very nice guy. He didn’t understand the structure of the relationship he was envisioning. They talked about expectations before embarking on an FWB. They did, but they didn’t cover them in enough detail.

An FWB can also be problematic when it is created from the start with a new person in your life.

“When you’re looking for an FWB arrangement with someone from the start, you’re forcing a new potential relationship into a box that may not fit, with a label that may misrepresent it. Since it takes time to cultivate a friendship, it logically follows that it should require time and dedication to find out if one can or should cultivate a friendship with benefits with someone.” Suzanne Lacmann Psy.D. What It Really Means to Be ‘Friends With Benefits’

There are other complications possible. If either partner feels used by the other, the friendship erodes. The surest way to feel used in an FWB situation is when one of the people involved is banking on it turning romantic.

Of course, when you are dealing with sex and emotions, other issues can appear. Let’s say both people entered into the FWB in complete agreement but over time something changed. One of the partners found themselves becoming more emotionally attached.

Now the relationship isn’t what they want anymore. What was a casual, fun time has become more and more painful. At that point, the relationship needs to change or end for the sake of all involved.

There are successful FWBs out in the world. The key is communication. Clear, direct, thoughtful communication. Expectations need to be discussed and addressed. The arrangement must respect both parties. Each partner must feel safe and comfortable. They must honestly talk through their emotions and needs.

After the FWB arrangement begins, the communication needs to continue. It is possible a partner gets turned on hearing about other sexual experiences. In that case, talking about that isn’t an issue.

It is also possible that it will turn off or even hurt an FWB partner. The only way to know this is to discuss it. Assuming won’t work.

If you want a casual hook up without discussing all these issues, don’t go for an FWB. Go out and find a one-night stand. That is a much better arrangement for people who are unable to have tough conversations. There is less damage and fall out.

The best way to know if an FWB will work for you is to know yourself. Work at it. Get to your core emotions and thoughts.

Are you someone who can separate emotions from sex? If you aren’t, decline any offers of no string sex from someone you consider a friend.

If you are, sit down with your friend and lay out your wants and needs. Listen to theirs. If your expectations fit together, go for it.

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