The Secret Shame of Being Single
What if we treated couples the way we treat single people?
I love my single life. I really do. But sometimes, I feel lonely. I’d like to share my life with someone I love who loves me. The problem with being single and admitting to loneliness or the desire for a relationship is that people, especially coupled people, are quick to jump in with advice as readily as judgment.
It sounds a lot like this. You’re just afraid to be alone. You should love yourself enough that you don’t need anyone else. You WANT a relationship; you don’t NEED one. You should be working on yourself. Have you tried dating apps?
There’s an assumption that a single person who can admit to loneliness or a desire for companionship is somehow desperate or a person to be pitied. Yet, no one, absolutely no one, looks at a coupled person in an unhealthy partnership and draws those same conclusions.
Couples in unhealthy relationships don’t encounter the heavy weight of judgment that single people encounter just for existing.
We don’t look at the woman who works full-time and still manages the household and children with little help from her partner and ask why she’s staying with him — even if we wonder why the hell she’d want to. We don’t look at the couples that fight all the time and ask if they’ve tried loving themselves harder. We don’t look at the couples who have no life outside each other and question if they, perhaps, have a fear of being alone. We don’t point out that staying in relationships could be evidence of a need for self-improvement, an absence of self-love, or any of the other things single people hear on a regular basis.
Our society has an assumption that coupled people must be doing something right and, by this logic, that single people must be doing something wrong.
The divorce rate would suggest otherwise. It’s a baseless assumption, yet people seem to believe it.
Our priorities are skewed. Instead of concerning ourselves with people’s relationship status, we’d all be better served to attend to ourselves first and then to remember that someone’s health and happiness is more important than whether or not they are currently in a romantic relationship. While this may seem obvious, it’s clearly not when we consider the kinds of statements people regularly make to single people.
Being single isn’t shameful. Neither is being lonely and/or wanting a relationship. It’s normal.
What shouldn’t be normalized is treating the status of single as a disease in need of a cure. There are many people happy being single for their entire lives. This doesn’t mean they are angry, bitter, or wounded. It just means that they’ve decided that this is the lifestyle that makes them happy. It’s no more or less valid than any other choice.
But some of us are interested in having relationships. What we’re not interested in doing is settling for one. I’ve been there — hurting in relationships that should have been enhancing my life rather than making it harder. I’d rather stay single than feel unloved, unwanted, or unappreciated in a relationship. Wanting a relationship doesn’t make my single status any less valid or make me any weaker. It just means I enjoy companionship and connection and might be interested in a relationship at some point.
Healthy relationships are beautiful. I had one, once. My partner was brave and able to be vulnerable. For a while there, I was able to be completely myself with him. We were able to build a strong foundation of friendship, mutual respect, and intimacy. While it didn’t last, I want that kind of connection — just one capable of withstanding life’s greater challenges.
There are worse things than being single. I can name a few. Being a dishonest person — in any relationship status. Ghosting, breadcrumbing, love bombing, and other garbage behaviors. Generally treating people like objects to be used rather than fully feeling human beings. Those are far worse than simply being without a plus-one at holidays and events.
In fact, being in an unhealthy relationship is far worse than being single. Still, people don’t ask couples when they’re going to hurry up and dissolve their union, but they’re perfectly happy to ask singles when they’re going to partner up. It makes no sense, and yet, here we are.
Do I sound bitter? A former partner once said I am anti-men and relationships. It didn’t occur to him that holding people accountable isn’t the same as being against them. The problem isn’t with men any more than it is with women.
The issue is a societal one, and it’s time to start evaluating the way we talk — and think — about single people.
My relationship status does not define me or my self-worth. It doesn’t even merit comment. Far from being bitter, I’m examining why being coupled is so much more socially acceptable than being single. It’s a curiosity, particularly as more unsolicited comments come my way.
We can do better. We can stop commenting on other people’s relationship status. We can quit jumping in with advice just because we feel uncomfortable with someone’s raw truth. We can realize that who we are and how we treat others is so much more important than our relationship status. If we can do that, maybe we can shift the culture to embracing single as a valid status, rather than one that is somehow insufficient.
