The Science Behind Unhealthy Attractions

I first stumbled over the work of Ken Page whilst listening to one of my favorite personal development podcasts. Having found myself caught up in unavailable, unfulfilling, and self-deprecating relationships time after time, Ken’s work opened my eyes to where I had been going wrong.

Our relationships are built on attractions. We meet someone new, we sense a feeling, and we decide if we’d like to pursue it, or not. This makes the nature of the attraction a key contributor to the makeup of the resulting relationship.

Like a loaf of bread crammed full of sugar and one with very little, differences in baking ingredients result in significantly different health implications in the finished product. Am I going to feel lethargic and tired by the time my sugar levels fall, or will I be fine?

Bread metaphors aside, bringing awareness to our attractions is a must if we’re in habit of choosing the wrong people and enduring the same old toxic relationships.

Ken Page differentiates healthy and unhealthy relationships by two varying attractions; attractions of inspiration, and attractions of deprivation. Understanding the concept and science behind the latter is key to breaking our bad habit of pursuing unhealthy relationships.

Attractions Of Deprivation

Attractions of deprivation are exactly what the name suggests, they’re attractions that leave us feeling deprived; unworthy, unwanted, and seeking more. Like a day in the hot sun we thought would be pleasant until we forgot to bring water — we fail to find nourishment here and we suffer as a result.

Most of us are acquainted with these attractions. We can all recall a time we’ve chased after someone we knew deep down wasn’t into us or given way too much time to someone who failed to give us what we wanted. They’re what Gen-Z would call “toxic”, and they are.

In fact, they’re more toxic than you realize. They‘re inherently addictive; so much so that psychologists and scientists compare them to the addictions found in gambling. This is a key reason why unhealthy relationships can become so unhealthy. Let’s look closer.

Intermittent Reward Systems

Our brains are wired to want to seek out the things that make us feel good and this “seeking” is governed by what we like to call “motivation”; the feeling of wanting to do something. Therefore, when we’re feeling motivated it’s more than likely we’re envisioning a reward at the end.

This is important to note as the area of the brain that governs reward also influences our emotions. This is why when you’re feeling stressed, or low, you suddenly feel compelled to reach for the nearest sugary snack. It’s your brain’s way of trying to make you feel better.

The problem with attractions of deprivation is that the person we’re lusting after won’t be consistent in how they’re treating you. 9 times out of 10 they’ll behave as if they’re disinterested with only flickers of affection here and there. They might ask you around after ghosting you for a week, proclaim their interest after acting ambivalent, send you mixed signals, or gaslight you.

These actions fall under “intermittent reward systems” because they leave us unsure as to when we’ll receive a reward — i.e., their attention. Suddenly the dynamic turns from a healthy one, where love is readily available, to one not unlike that in a casino — unsure as to if we’ll win a prize, or not.

How Unhealthy Attractions Become Addictive

For the record, there is growing evidence that all relationships are in some form addictive due to their effects on our brain’s reward system — the brain areas that become dysregulated in common addictions.

As one study highlights,

“Scientists have begun to draw a number of parallels between the naturally rewarding phenomena associated with human love and the artificial stimulation afforded by the use of addictive substances such as alcohol, heroin, or cocaine”

It’s natural to want to seek out new partners, to trust and rely on them for support, and to feel slight withdrawals when away from them. This form of “addiction“ arguably forms the basis of how we can create long-lasting attachments. You have to want to be around your new partner, after all.

Unhealthy relationships take this one step further, however. They manipulate and dysregulate the natural occurrence of attachment to the point of dependence.

And they do this by making you feel bad.

It’s the canceled plans, the lack of care, the mixed messages, the gaslighting, the hot and cold behavior, and the blatant mistreatment, counteracted with the rare occasions of reassurance, professions of “love”, promises to commit, late-night calls, and “I’m sorry” gifts.

Inconsistent behavior is the crux as our feelings of inadequacy fuel our need to win them over. As they’re the ones making us feel bad they can also be the ones to make us feel better. Just as a drug is used to erase the pain it is creating, we can find ourselves in dependent states with our love interests; relying on them to be a fix for our low self-worth.

A Search Where Solutions Can’t Be Found

Ironically, in our relentless chase, we’re searching for a fix in the person who can’t fix us. We assume because their inconsistent behavior is making us feel bad if we can somehow win their affection, our problems will be solved.

But this mindset is flawed — and it’s only being exacerbated in this environment. This is why Ken Page calls these attractions, “attractions of deprivation”. We feel deprived and as a result, we chase to feel whole.

Wholeness can’t be found in the affection of another — and yet we still try. It must be sourced from within. Interestingly, low self-esteem is a marker for addictions, and low self-esteem is also correlated to greater approval-seeking behaviors. Put the two together and we’re sitting ducks for a love we can become dependent on.

Becoming Familiar With The Unfamiliar

It’s not uncommon for someone who has endured an unhealthy dynamic to find themselves repeatedly exposed to them despite enduring great amounts of emotional pain in their previous one. There are a few reasons for this:

They believe that these feelings ARE Love when they’re merely anxious reactions compelling them to seek someone out for safety.
They brush off healthy love as boring due to the more subdued, calm, feeling that comes with them.
They have not addressed the underlying self-worth issues that continue to push them towards relationships that validate their inner beliefs rather than heal them.
They lack awareness of their patterns and choices.
They may lack responsibility and they even have a choice. “I just attract bad guys” they might say.

As Ken Page says, it’s imperative we follow our attractions of inspiration and not our attractions of deprivation. In these relationships, we’re forced to “accept our partner’s caring, not win it” which immediately alters the neurochemical nature of the relationship.

No longer are we chasing from a feeling of inadequacy but are inspired to accept ourselves as a whole — as someone who can be loved without pain. This will no doubt conflict with lifelong beliefs that tell the person otherwise. Without awareness, these lifelong beliefs will sabotage their ability to enjoy what love actually is. Action must be taken to rewire their mindset.