The Ruins

Summary

The text is a poignant reflection on finding love and self-worth amidst the struggles of illness and treatment.

Abstract

The author describes a profound personal journey through pain and transformation, brought on by life-saving medications that have altered their sense of self. Despite feeling toxic and unlovable, they encounter someone who sees beyond their illness, offering a sense of revival and love. This connection, though silent and untouchable in a clinical setting, is as vast and deep as the ocean, suggesting that even in the ruins of one's health, love can flourish and illuminate the soul.

Opinions

The author initially views themselves as unlovable and toxic due to the side effects of their medication.
They express a transformation from a state of barrenness to one of emotional and spiritual abundance, catalyzed by the presence of another person.
The text conveys a powerful, unspoken connection between the author and another individual in an infusion center, hinting at the potential sacrifices and costs of such a deep bond.
The author feels a sense of protection and passion from this new connection, which reignites their sense of self-worth.
The narrative suggests that love can transcend physical limitations, taking the individuals' souls on a journey through the cosmos, symbolizing a profound and intimate union.
The author expresses gratitude and acknowledges the reader's support, while also inviting them to contribute to their work through a Medium membership.

Can you find something worthy?

My body wrestles with agony. It lasts for seconds, minutes coming and going for days. My insides are ruins; a history meant to forget. I do not even recognize myself–changed forever by the drugs meant to heal. Each one tastes like poison. I listen to the instructions and do what they tell me to, following them like religious scripture, never missing anything. My job is to protect me, to keep me alive. That was and still is my priority. Love. Love in any form does not exist for someone unrecognizable. Who reeks of toxicity. Whose breath smells like chemicals. Whose urine smells like antibiotics on a daily.

I am unlovable, unworthy, and still, you looked at me with a desire. You are the cool drops of water, bringing my dead flower back to life. A once barren tree, I feel fruit hanging off my branches once more. Soft and full, they are heavy compared to the nakedness, I felt in the absence of leaves.

Is this how love feels? As your eyes dance with mine from across the waiting room of the infusion center. We do not speak. We do not touch. The air is palpable with a silence that only we understand. Do you know what you are signing up for with me? Do you know the cost of falling for someone like me? Are you ready for the sacrifice? The more I look, the more I am sure you are willing to pay the price.

You transport my mind to the ocean. There I am riding the waves, and like water, which never drowns, I stay afloat in your presence. I watch the sunset in your eyes, giving rise to an array of colors. I become an artist with a brush that longs to paint those colors onto my canvas. The whole room is set aglow with a fiery orange beckoning the stars to join us. Our bodies are still there, but our souls journey into the cosmos, existing in this alien world. A perfect vacuum for us where we become one with the stars. I see a protector in you, and how could I not fall in love with someone who strikes a match to my core?

You make me believe that you find something worthy in the ruins.

Thank you for reading. Your time is always appreciated.

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