NOVEL

The Road I Have Gone

The Love We Had, Chapter 36

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36

The head has decided, the body has decided. I have decided: I should have the other one in my life. I want him. I want this man.

He who welcomes me, he who thinks of me like who I am. He who listens when I talk, he who sees me the way I am. I should have the other one, he who smiles when I meet him. He who sends rays of heat through me when I see him come towards me.

But what happens further ahead on the road? What happens when I and he have gone part of the way? How about me and him when weekdays come and the idyllic loses its magic colour and the gray takes over?

I don’t want to lure myself. Everyday life, the gray and monotonous, can always return. And what happens then? What happens after all when between me and him it’s no longer new and fresh. What about when he and I, like almost every other couple, become affected of life’s grayscale?

Everyday life should not be allowed to come between us. Together I and he should take care of the secret covenant, I and he must together own this secret room, those soft moments in life that no one should know about, and that no one should be allowed to disturb.

And if this does not succeed? If he and I lose the connection, the magic of our love? Should I go back into my life, should he go back in his life. And do so with smiles on our faces?

I’m afraid. Each day, he and I must remember each other and think ahead to what happens next.

The road I’ve walked will always be the road I have walked. Nothing to do with that. But I must think that this luggage, it’s my most valuable knowledge and wisdom when I need to go further on the road ahead.

For me, it is about accepting, not just accepting him as he is and what he wants. I cannot accept everything without further ado. There are things I do not want, but I have to relate to what has happened, I just have to accept that it has happened and then I have to think through the case:

“What can I do out of this?”

“How can I do this in a way that makes us carry all our luggage while we do it?”

I have gained the most valuable that I have with me, and at the same time the ability to see the most important things. I will relate to it, and it is important that I accept everything. To accept is about both saying yes and saying: “No, I cannot accept this.”

We learn as we go, and we hopefully become wiser by the wrong and painful things that make us more experienced.

Sometimes I think: “Is it worth going to someone else when I have a man who still wants me?”

A man who still wants me, of old habit or because of other, for me unknown reasons. — Is it worth it to put my life at stake for something like I don’t know the end of? Is it worth it to venture out of the usual tracks, experience the unknown instead of resting safely where I am? Is it worth it to throw ourselves out on the deep sea when we can wade safely inside by the land?

Sometimes I think:

“This, no. I do not want that.”

I ask myself:

“Should I let be, go into myself and just be there and not stress? Not asking basic, essential questions?”

“Should I avoid walking on unknown paths, and instead walk in the safe and well-known all the time?”

— Should I let go knowing about it, learning about it, what real life is?

Is that the good life? — Like my life today? Is it safe?

I want to live my dream.

I want more.

I want to live this secret love.

The story that the novel tells takes place in a small industrial town at the end of a fjord in western Norway. The story being told and the characters are fictional.

The photos included in the chapters are taken on location in Odda and in the Odda Smelter (Odda Smelteverk, 1906–2003), the carbide factory that is part of the story.

The Love We Had

Part 1 The Longest Night -chapters 1–3, told by Lars. Part 2 The Light Inside -chapters 4–17, told by Aslak. Part 3 Save Our Secret Love -chapters 18 — XX, told by Eira.

For quick access to all chapters, go here.

Previous: Chapter 35 The Next Thing in Life

Next: Chapter 37 This Is What I’ve Been Waiting For

Øivind H. Solheim writes fiction, essays and articles aiming to help others understanding life, other humans and themselves. He has published five novels, two non-fiction books and a poetry book.

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