The Right Relationship Will Feel Better Than Being Single

And why this should be the line we draw in the sand

I’m a person who tends to thrive when I’m single. I always have. I think one reason is because I actually enjoy my own company and can amuse myself without needing a partner to entertain me. I have plenty of interests, and I’m rarely bored.

For a long time, partners were a compromise. In that first flush of infatuation, I would be tempted to leave my single status behind for a relationship. Most of the time, I ended up regretting it. I gave up too much, and what I was getting in the relationship never quite felt like an even exchange. Too often, I lost myself, and I ended up gaining only heartache.

Then, I met someone who made being in a relationship feel better than being single. Instead of subtracting from my life, he added to it. He made me laugh. He made me think about things differently. He challenged me in the best possible way. I think I did the same for him.

Giving up my single status didn’t feel like something to begrudgingly do. I felt like trading it for a relationship with him was a benefit rather than a loss, a prize rather than a too-high cost.

I should go ahead and tell you that it worked for a while, and then it didn’t. He experienced a change of heart. I didn’t. I felt the shift, but at the time, I attributed it to my past history of trauma, my anxious attachment, and my hypervigilance.

I had always expected the other shoe to drop, so I told myself at first that it was just my imagination. But time passed, and I began to see that my intuition was telling me that the relationship that made sacrificing my single status worth it had changed. It wasn’t going to change back.

I’d like to tell you that I acknowledged the shift and did what was best for me. I returned to my happy single status. But, of course, that’s not what happened because I rarely learn anything the easy way. I stayed. I waited. I hoped and prayed I was wrong. My heart broke a little more every day that I loved him and wondered if I was loved in return.

When he finally left me, I returned to my single state. I even learned to love my life again. I embraced all the parts of my existence that had always made me happy with one exception.

I knew that there existed a relationship that felt better than being single.

It wasn’t with him anymore. His change of heart guaranteed that. But I now know that it’s possible to feel that way about someone. I no longer want to settle for anything less than that feeling.

You could say that he did me a favor in a roundabout way. I won’t ever settle again for a relationship that feels like I’m giving something up. I’ll be looking for the one that feels like it’s adding something important to the good life I’m already living. I don’t think I’ll ever again give up my single status for anything less than that.

I think I was happier before I knew that this sort of relationship existed. I felt like nothing could feel as good as being alone and directing my own course. Now, I know there’s something out there that might even feel better — if it lasts.

I decided to make up some good rules for my single life. They’re simple really. They go something like this.

Rules for Being Single

Stay single unless you find a relationship that feels even better than your single life.

If you find a relationship that feels better than being single, stay in it only as long as it keeps feeling that way. If it experiences a permanent shift, learn to let go and transition back to your single state with grace.

Grieve for the relationship lost, but don’t live in the grief. You’ll either live happily single, or you’ll find a relationship that feels even better and manages to go the distance. Either way, you get to be happy.

I read something recently that said that married women are the most unhappy demographic. As a former married woman, I concur with this finding. Being a wife didn’t make me as happy as being a divorced single mother.

It’s not the relationship status that makes the difference. It’s the relationship. If we’re going to opt to partner another person (legally or otherwise), it ought to add something to our lives. It should feel better than staying single. Otherwise, what’s the point of it all? Are we just soothing temporary loneliness with long-term dissatisfaction? Is an unhappy union really better than the occasional discomfort of the single life?

Most of the time, I’m grateful to have learned that there are relationships that feel so good we don’t feel like we’re giving anything up. I don’t feel that way today. Today, I’m stuck in a grief I’ll just have to let run its course. I get to be sad and mad and disappointed that something that was precious to me doesn’t exist any longer.

But when I’m over that, I’ll remember that the relationship that felt better than being single set a standard. I won’t compromise again. I won’t enter a lukewarm love affair out of loneliness. I won’t trade my values for a hand to hold through my life. I’ll embrace all my favorite things about being a single person on this planet, and I won’t trade in that title unless it feels like I’m genuinely trading up.