The Right Partner Won’t Perceive Your Independence as Intimidating

It will turn them on.

Possessiveness, jealousy, FBI type of questioning — we’ve all been there. We either did it to somebody or we’ve had it done unto us. Either way, I think we can all agree that this type of relationship is suffocating, destructive and, 9 out of 10, short-lived.

A partner’s independence can easily trigger those emotions within us if we’re insecure, fear rejection or abandonment, or are simply inexperienced when it comes to detaching and allowing another person to breathe the life they want to live into existence. We may interfere with their goals and passions due to our learned codependent behavior and feel threatened whenever they make any progress. We may panic each time we are not included in their plans, assuming that this certainly means they don’t want us to be a part of their routine anymore.

Having been on the receiving end of this clingy type of behavior in many relationships, I can honestly say it’s a very unpleasant situation to find yourself in. On one hand, you feel responsible for reassuring your partner that your independence is not a threat, but rather a part of who you are, a part that initially sparked their attraction for you, and, on the other hand, you want to run and never look back because this kind of behavior is the reason you didn’t want to commit to anyone in the first place.

Here’s the thing: The right partner won’t perceive your independence as intimidating. As long as you’re open to communicating and are willing to play your part in making them understand that this is your authentic self and that renouncing your independent nature would go against who you are, there should be no issues. If problems do arise, such as them demanding you to change to accommodate their insecurities, then it’s pretty clear you’re not on the same page, in which case, please do run. Or fly. Or teleport. Do whatever you need to do, just don’t let that projection hotline dial-in.

Speaking from experience, settling for people who do not respect our freedom, alone time, goals and aspirations are a big no-no. There is no bright future in sight for us. No matter how much we go out of our way to make it work, no matter how much we compromise and sacrifice, the relationship will still go south. If we can’t be together, whilst also being alone, then what’s the point?

Eventually, we will find that someone who is turned on by our independence. Or they will find us. We will thrive and grow as a couple. Until then, it’s better to stay in our lane, no matter how noisy that inner voice gets, that keeps pestering us to find someone — anyone who might be pleased to see us, even if that means trouble, control, and a passable existence.

Let’s help each other bloom, instead of depriving each other of sunlight and water.

The biggest human temptation is to settle for too little. Thomas Merton