Not a personal essay I swear
The Right and Wrong Way to Respond to Parenting Advice From Your Parents
Keep calm, breathe, then tell them to piss off
Your parents are excited to be grandparents. So excited that they just love to offer helpful advice at any and all moments. Here are some suggested responses to help you when the going gets tough, as well as lessons learned from those whose self-control ran out faster than baby formula at the supermarket. Grandparent: You shouldn’t wrap him so tight, he looks like he’s in a straight jacket. Right response: It’s not too tight Mum, but it stops him waking himself up. Wrong response: You think that’s tight? Wait until they tie you to the bed in the nursing home. Grandparent: Why is she so tiny? You’re not feeding her enough. Right response: She does look a bit small, but don’t worry, the midwife said her weight is the 55th percentile. Wrong response: I’ve just spent 23 of the last 24 hours breastfeeding. If you say she looks hungry again, I’m going to put you in a soup. Grandparent: What’s wrong with a dash of whisky in the bottle? It never hurt any of my kids. Right response: (laugh sincerely) Oh Alfred, you’re such a character! Wrong response: Ah, you forgetting about Tim? It takes him 45 minutes to put socks on and he repeated fourth grade until he was 28 years old.
Grandparent: Why do you let her spend so much time playing games? She might turn into a violent hooligan. Right response: She is only allowed an hour each day, and research actually suggests small to moderate amounts of gaming can help socialisation and problem-solving skills. Wrong response: Video games grant me one hour of respite in the day. In that hour I prepare dinner, vacuum, fold the washing, do their homework, and listen to your 1940s parenting advice. If she decides to destroy anything, I hope it’s your face.
Grandparent: All those nappies must be expensive. We had to use cloth you know. Right response: Yes, that must have been tough. Fortunately, these days environmentally friendly nappies cause less harm than running your washing machine all day for reusable nappies. Wrong response: I don’t give a shit if you used cloth, cotton or sandpaper. We’re not living with the Flintstones anymore. Grandparent: You need to organise his ‘relevant religious initiation ceremony.’ This isn’t about you your strange beliefs. I don’t want my grandchild going to hell. Right response: He can make up his own mind about religion when he’s old enough to understand it. Until then, you are welcome to pray for him. Wrong response: If your god is willing to send someone to hell for not having water splashed on his face, then my child is staying as far away from that lunatic as possible. Now piss off while I read little Lucifer his Richard Dawkins bedtime story.
