SATIRE

The Responsible Citizen Rulebook on How to Feel

Learning to hide what tortures your soul

The strange thing about life, the wondrous thing about life, is that it is impossible to dull one hue of our emotional experience without dulling the entire spectrum, impossible to feel deeply at one end of it without feeling as deeply at the other. And without the chromatic intensity of feeling life deeply and fully, why live at all? — Maria Popova

If you wish to be a productive and respectable member of our society, you must remember how to conduct yourself in all areas of your ever public life. Remember, nothing is private anymore. We can learn everything about you at any given moment.

What comes next, it’s a reminder of the exemplary behavior expected from you.

Not your plan.

Don’t be sad. While you are at it, don’t get angry either. Be nice, stoic, and charming. People who are sad and angry are not likable.

If shit hits the fan, come up with a joke or say things happen for a reason. Don’t forget to throw in the old, “it’s all part of God’s plan.” That’s right, sugar. You have to stick to the plan. No, not your plan, silly. Your plans can go to hell, and you must be happy about it.

If things go wrong, you must bounce back as fast as possible. People might show you some sympathy and compassion for the first five minutes, but they’ll get bored if you stretch it. And no, you don’t get to decide what qualifies as overdoing it.

You must also be quick to forgive those who do you wrong. Forgiveness is good for the soul, which is true, by the way. However, for some reason, the shittiest people in your life will always be the most interested in shoving that lesson down your throat as fast as possible. Turns out, if you don’t forgive them soon enough, then you are the asshole.

Put on a show.

Never forget: you are allowed to feel, but only in the appropriate amounts and at the right times. It would be a mistake to assume your emotions are a spectrum, forever evolving as you age.

Can’t stop feeling? Well, get ready to put on a show. Pretend, pretend, pretend. And you better get good at it. Make us believe you know what you are doing, that nothing ever scares you and that you always are prepared for whatever comes your way. Don’t you fucking dare show us your vulnerable side unless you manage to make it look pretty on Instagram.

Remember this: your vulnerability makes us uncomfortable. We have no idea what to do with it, so, obviously, we’ll mock you for putting it out there for us to see. If you are going to suffer, be fast about it, and do it in a way that does not make us feel bad. Make sure to feel the kind of sadness that goes away with a pat on the shoulder and some empty comforting words…that’s all you are getting from us, anyway.

Now, if you have been paying attention, then you’ll see that, when it comes to feeling, the most important thing is how we feel about what you feel.

Focus on us.

About the future.

The most important part of the deal is educating future generations. We cannot have young people believing they get to change things.

To keep the status quo, all citizens are to mock children who show empathy toward their fellow humans. The problem? Pretty much all children do that, so it requires a coordinated effort to strip kindness out of them.

Tell them the world is a cruel, barren landscape. That it’s a wolf-eats-wolf society out there. Make sure they understand there’s nothing that can be done to change that.

“It is what it is, kiddo.”

If we persist, if we are louder than the minority (always call them a minority, they must feel isolated), then we’ll get to keep our society working the way we like it.

Shallow. Selfish. Vain.