The Relentless Desire to Be Happier is Ruining Your Overall Happiness
Here’s how you can recognize when a good experience doesn’t have to be better
“Is that it?”
Sometimes that’s all you can ask yourself. After all the hoops you’ve jumped through to finally reach a coveted milestone, you can’t help but feel a little emotionally short-changed. You spent days, weeks, months, and years leading up to this moment.
It was supposed to feel better than this, right?
Despite feeling joyful, you’re also furious. The gap between how it feels in reality and how it should feel is larger than you anticipated.
When life falls short of expectations, we can get frustrated far beyond what we’re able to express.
So Why Doesn’t It Feel Better?
I wish I knew.
Some people attribute it to the hedonic treadmill.
We constantly adapt to our changing circumstances and strive to level up. We get used to things when things are good. Eventually good becomes normal. Then normal becomes bad. And the vicious cycle repeats.
While it’s a useful mechanism to motivate progress, it can come at the cost of our happiness.
When Is It Worth the Effort?
If you knew exactly how much effort it would take to get to where you are now, would you do it again?
If the answer is no, we’ve identified part of the problem.
We never know exactly how much effort we need to put in or how we will feel when we finally get there. We can only go with our best guess and assume the orange is worth the squeeze.
I mean, what’s the alternative? Assume everything isn’t worth doing because the rewards will never meet our expectations? Are we supposed to lower our expectations significantly just to save ourselves from disappointment?
Perhaps but that doesn’t feel right to me.
The Problem of Finding Happiness in the Results
We make compromises all the time. And we make them with ourselves.
We sacrifice what we would prefer to do for what gets us results. But the catch is that results are never guaranteed.
When our focus is fixated on the results we want and how they will make us feel, we end up sacrificing the present for a future that may not exist.
We are gambling with our happiness when it’s dependent on an outcome.
What if We Found Joy in the Process?
We have the power to influence and choose the way we do things. We can refine our approach and focus our efforts. We can take calculated risks knowing that the results won’t always go our way.
As disappointing as it may be, the results really aren’t up to us.
But if we learned to find more enjoyment in our process, the results would matter far less. Instead of relying on the result to provide 90% or more of the happiness we experience, it could end up being less than 10%.
We can still be tremendously happy.
Recognize When Happy Is Better Than Happier
Even when we enjoy the process, there can be a tendency to overoptimize. This can take a toll on your peace of mind.
The inefficiency of effective decision-making makes you constantly re-evaluate whether you made the right decision.
Instead of trying to iron out all the creases of inefficiency, we could learn to live with them. No matter how hard we try, it’s never going to be as smooth as we’d like.
While perfect decisions are rare, we can often make good and even great decisions regularly.
There comes a point when you can be happy enough with what you have that you don’t need to find a happier alternative.
Key Takeaways
- Learn to find happiness in the process and the results will matter less. If you are dependent on a result to be happy, you are gambling with your happiness.
- Beware of the obsession with optimization. Effective decision-making isn’t always efficient. You can often second guess yourself as decisions made will never be perfect. Fortunately, we can still make good and even great decisions on a regular basis.
- Recognize when an experience doesn’t need to be much better than it is. Don’t waste time fussing over the minor details.
Reaching a significant milestone is a great reason to celebrate. But milestones only mark where you’ve been. The greatest joy is found in the journey.
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