ADVICE

The Relationship Agreement

Love is a game, and we all know boys are players, I just laid out the rules

You struck out in love, huh?

Your relationships are hit or miss, but mostly miss.

You always find that someone is dropping the ball.

Look no further.

Inspired by Sheldon Cooper’s Relationship Agreement from The Big Bang Theory, I crafted my own relationship agreement that outlines everything from dating to death do us part.

The Relationship Agreement is sure to solve all your problems or your money back! Offer not valid after 5/1/2022.

This agreement is the tried and true method to relationship success. But don’t ask me. Ask my ex!

“Uhhhh…” — my ex-boyfriend

I didn’t hear a no!

Within this agreement, I graciously allow my significant other the title of Player One — Because we all know the second is the best.

***Disclaimer — I do respect men. Most of the time.

Section 1 — The Relationship Agreement

1.1. The Relationship Agreement, like the American flag, may not touch the ground.

1.2. Both players must notify the other if a change is made to The Relationship Agreement.

1.3. The Relationship Agreement must be, at minimum, glanced over every six months.

Section 2 — Communication

2.1. Neither player will give ultimatums — or else.

2.2. “No” means “no.” No exceptions.

2.3. Both players will tell the truth to the other or may so face the consequence of pants/shorts on fire.

2.4. Both players agree to laugh with, not at each other — unless one player does something exceptionally stupid and funny.

2.5. Neither player will hide anything from the other except for —

1. Birthday surprises
2. Presents
3. Cult secrets

2.6. When Player Two says “drop and give me 10” Player One must drop and give Player Two 10 with proper, military-grade form.

2.7. A minimum of 1.5 compliments per day must be given to Player Two by Player One.

2.8. Both players must agree that “Our Song” by Taylor Swift is our song.

2.9. In the event 2.8 is playing, Player One must make like Prince Charming and spin Player Two around the dance floor.

Section 2.1 — Text Messages

2.1.1. One good morning or good night text is required per day by both players.

2.1.2. If a text message and a snap are received at the same time the receiver must pick their favorite to open, but if in doubt texts > snaps > DMs.

2.1.3. Player One must always text Player Two to confirm that Player Two got home safe.

Section 2.2 — Phone calls

2.2.1. In the event of a dropped call, for any reason, Player One must call Player Two back.

2.2.2. If Player One does not call Player Two back within 50 seconds, Player Two must call back Player One.

2.2.3. A phone call is required in the case of —

I. Exciting news

II. A fight is about to ensue

III. Time is of the essence — please see 14.5

Section 3 — Social Media

3.1. The relationship is only “official” if it is on social media or if both players sign this agreement.

Section 3.1 — Snapchat

3.1.1. The Chat’n Snap streak must be kept at all costs.

3.1.2. The red heart must be kept at all costs.

3.1.3. Neither player may leave the other on open except for —

I. Bedtimes

II. Unexpected death

III. Emergency video game raids

IV. Technical difficulties

A. If Chat’n Snap doesn’t work, a text must be sent instead.

B. If unable to send a text, a carrier pigeon must be sent to the other player with a letter explaining why there was no response.

3.1.4. Screenshots of Chat’n Snap photos are prohibited unless —

1. You would show it to your mom
2. Expressly stated

Section 3.2 — Instagram

3.2.1. Player One must always give Player Two “photo creds.”

3.2.2. Player One must take pictures of Player Two whenever Player Two asks —

I. From all angles

II. Doing anything it takes to get the best shot

III. Solely referring to Player Two as a model

***Professional photography classes may be required at the expense of Player One.

Section 4 — Social events

4.1. Player One is required to dress nice at social events in order to make Player Two look good.

Section 4.1 — Parties

4.1.1. Player Two is required to act as the designated driver once per month.

4.1.2. Player One may not consume an excess of alcoholic beverages to which the effects are —

I. Passing out on the floor

II. Throwing up on Player Two

III. An ambulance ride to the hospital

IV. First base with anyone other than Player Two

A. Unintentional first base with anyone other than Player Two will result in $500 in punitive damages.

Section 4.2 — Dates

4.2.1. Player One must take Player Two on a minimum of one proper date per month. This may include —

I. Out-of-the-home family events

II. Activities without friends on which hand holding is engaged and there is food

III. Events in which players refer to each other as “partners in crime” and a dead body, or equivalent, is present

4.2.2. The player who is having a bad day is the one who must be treated.

4.2.3. Date nights with Player One’s friends may only occur on Saturdays — because Saturdays are for the boys.

Section 5 — Physical Contact

5.1. High fives from either player will be declined under no circumstances.

5.2. Player One may carry Player Two bridal style in the event of —

I. Uncomfortable footwear

II. Cute pictures

III. The floor is lava

5.3. Piggyback rides are always acceptable.

5.4. Hugs should always be accepted by either player except —

I. Player Two has a contagious illness

II. When one player has not showered in four and a half days or more

5.5. Hugging others is acceptable as long as it doesn’t exceed 15 seconds and there are no erections present.

5.6. PDA is not acceptable, unless —

I. It is short and sweet

II. Is hidden by a hat

III. It occurs in dimly lit areas

IV. It means reenacting a scene from the Notebook in the rain

Section 5.1 — Sleepover parties

5.1.1. Player Two must make a conscious effort to not hog all the blankets.

5.1.2. Pillow fights are a fight to the death.

Section 6 — Food

6.1. Player Two must share snacks with Player One once a blue moon.

6.2. Player One must fork over the snacks.

Section 7 — Holidays

7.1. On the Fourth of July, or at any time there are fireworks, cheek kisses may occur.

7.2. When attending a Halloween party together a “couples costume” is required.

7.3. Christmas may only be celebrated after Thanksgiving by either player.

I. However, it is okay to celebrate the holiday season after Halloween.

7.4. If New Year’s Eve is spent together, a traditional New Year’s kiss must occur at midnight.

I. 2069 will begin with 69.

Section 8 — Bets

8.1. A bet is established when both players say “bet.”

8.2. Both players agree all bets are a binding contract.

Section 9 — Chivalry

9.1. In the event of wintry weather conditions Player One will lend Player Two an outer garment to keep warm.

9.2. Player Two may reserve the right to keep this garment for more than the typical allotted time period.

9.3. Player One must open doors for Player Two including but not limited to —

I. Building doors

II. Car doors

III. Windows

IV. Water bottles

9.4. All spiders must be eliminated by Player One.

Section 10 — Subscriptions

10.1. Player Two is allowed to mooch off of Player One’s —

I. Netflix

II. Disney+

III. Hulu

IV. Amazon Prime

Section 11 — Marriage

11.1. There must be an open bar at the wedding.

11.2. Under no circumstances will the wedding be allowed to be held in Vegas — unless no other option is possible.

Section 12 — Fights

12.1. If no resolution may be found both players must agree to disagree.

12.2. When in doubt Player Two is always right.

12.3. In the event of 4.1.2. Clause IV Player Two is released from this contract.

Section 12.1 — Breakup

12.1.1. Player Two gets photo creds for Player One’s Tinder profile.

12.1.2. 2 a.m. “I miss you” and “you up?” texts are acceptable as long as the other player is single.

Section 12.2 — Divorce

12.2.1. In the event of divorce the dog decides who gets custody.

12.2.2. Food in the fridge is first come first served.

12.2.3. Kids will be split in half.

Section 13 —

There is no section 13.

Section 14 — Death

14.1. Neither player will murder the other.

14.2. In the event of a zombie apocalypse and one player joins the flesh-eating army, disregard the statement above.

14.3. Neither player may die unless it is due to natural causes i.e. —

I. Pillow fights

II. Tickle wars

III. Unexpected death

14.4. In the event one player passes away due to natural causes or extreme sports then the other player must plan the funeral of the deceased player.

14.5. When one player needs to hide a body the other will not ask questions only take action.

I have read, understand, and agree to uphold the terms and conditions as stated in this legally binding relationship agreement enforced by the United States of America. Either player who fails to uphold any clause in this agreement will be required to receive a haircut and/or color of the other player’s choosing.

Player One _____________________________

Player Two _____________________________

Please feel welcome to take ideas for your own relationship agreement.

And to all my future suitors out there who will indeed be obligated to sign and live by these rules and regulations — good luck.