avatarBette A. Ludwig 🔍 PhD

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The Reasons Love Ties Your Stomach in Knots and Breaks Your Heart

People are complicated, and so are relationships, even toxic ones

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While looking back on my previous romantic partners, I’ve realized how profoundly they’ve shaped my understanding of love and intimacy. Different themes emerge, each offering its layer of complexity within my vast graveyard of failed relationships.

The complexity of it all

I’ve determined that interpersonal dynamics are far from black and white. They don’t fit neatly into categories of RIGHT or WRONG. Instead, they exist in shades of grays, where emotions and experiences mix, making each connection unique and challenging to dissect. People are multifaceted, and so are the connections we form with them.

The intensity and collateral damage

Extreme emotions have been my loyal companions on my rollercoaster ride of infatuation over the years.

I’ve experienced a whirlwind of feelings, from the profound confusion that clouds my thoughts to the DEEP WELLS of SADNESS that sometimes drown my heart.

Despite my conscious decision to move forward, there remains an undeniable longing for some of these individuals, a sense of missing them that lingers even when I know leaving is the right thing to do.

It’s a poignant reminder that moving on isn’t always straightforward. Consciously acknowledging we need to let go doesn’t always make it easier or hurt less.

Patterns of the chosen few

Reflecting on my romantic history, I detect recurring behaviors in my choice of partners. It’s as though I’m drawn to those who ignite a fiery passion in the beginning but later become dismissive. Paradoxically, the bond crumbles when I assert my needs and desires, which I eventually do.

This only magnifies the complexities of maintaining oneself in matters of the heart, and just like the Rolling Stones said, “You can’t always get what you want.”

But, oh man, you can get what you need at that moment.

The past reasserts itself

I have long wondered, journaled, and been in therapy about how my early experiences in life influenced my adult entanglements.

Though essential to survive my crazy childhood, these same mechanisms that saved me, which are too lengthy to discuss here, don’t always serve me in adulthood.

It’s a reminder of the need for self-awareness, a willingness to adapt and reframe experiences, but with an understanding that change may not come in time.

Mixed up on the inside

These individuals who’ve left a permanent mark on my life, positive and negative, aren’t easily categorized as GOOD or BAD. They possess qualities that elicit intense admiration and frustration, leaving me torn between conflicting feelings.

There’s a reason people say there is a fine line between love and hate — because there is, but is hate the opposite of love, or is it indifference? It’s all a testament to the complicated nature of human beings and the emotions evoked by others.

Conclusion

My relationship journey has taught me that love and intimacy are complex and nuanced. Childhood traumas and experiences shape the directions we travel before realizing where we are.

Even if we are somewhat aware, self-correcting sometimes proves impossible, and our heart pays the painful price.

While some people seem destined for companionship, others find more comfort in solitude and being alone. More and more, I find myself fitting into the latter category rather than the former.

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© 2023 Bette A. Ludwig: All rights reserved.

Women
Self
Relationships
Love
Life Lessons
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