The reason we fall for abusers

Have you fallen in love with an abusive person? These might be the reasons behind your choice.

by: E.B. Johnson

It’s one thing to know the warning signs of abuse, but what of our tendency to fall for abusers? Time-and-time-again we find ourselves slipping into the same old patterns with the same manipulative, controlling people. What is it that brings us back to these toxic charmers and the waves of destruction they bring with them? Why do we find ourselves giving up and giving in — even when we know that they’re bad for us?

Sometimes, we simply don’t realize who an abuser truly is until it’s too late. In other instances, we refuse to accept the truth that’s staring us right in the face. It all comes down to how we view ourselves and how we view others. The past, too, plays a big part and — combined with a low sense of self-worth or unaddressed trauma — we can find ourselves trapped in patterns that destroy our livelihood and our love. If you want to escape your tendency to fall for toxic, abusive people then cultivate the understanding you need to rework your perspective.

Abuse is never an acceptable way to live.

Most abusive people don’t readily reveal their abusive tendencies until they’ve trapped their victims. We build lives with them in good faith and a plethora of charm, falling into a false sense of comfort that allows the abuser to set their poisonous traps. No matter how they go about the slow slide into abuse, it’s never acceptable, and it’s never okay. The longer we allow abusive partners to run amok in our lives, the more miserable and removed we’ll find ourselves from happiness.

There are a number of ways in which a partner might engage in abuse. Some of these are known and obvious (like the violent tirades of a physically abusive partner), but some of them are far more subtle and insidious (think emotional abuse and financial manipulation). The more educated we are about these patterns, the better equipped we are to identify them and combat them in our lives.

Are you suffering through a parade of toxic and abusive partners? You alone have the power to break the cycle. Make no mistake, an abuser will never let you go if they are given the option. Power is everything to them, and they need you to feed their insatiable egos. Cut ties with the pain of your past and learn how to rebuild yourself in confidence, compassion and love. You don’t have to stay trapped in the pain forever. You don’t have to give them power over you forever. Know why you fall for the wrong people so that you can start falling for the right ones.

The different types of abuse.

Abuse is far more complex than simply hitting someone or yelling at them. While these things are certainly a part of an abusive partnership, there are far more nuanced forms abusive too — like sexual abuse and financial manipulation.

Emotional battery

Emotional abuse is a common form of abuse and one which is both subtle and insidious in nature. When we are emotionally abused, we aren’t hit or struck, but we are belittled, demeaned or otherwise meant to feel as though we’re worthless (and constantly at risk of losing the person that we love). It’s about creating an air of emotional distress and instability in order to maintain control.

Example:

• Withholding affection as a sign of displeasure
• Criticizing your body, your personality, or the things you enjoy
• Threatening and shouting to get their way
• Using sarcasm and jokes to belittle or demean

Financial anguish

Financial abuse is a very real thing, and it can be just as demeaning and destructive as any other form of abuse. When a partner engages in this type of abuse, they use family finances in order to control or belittle you. They might restrict you from earning money, or assume total control of finances in order to control you and your opportunities.

Example:

• Restricting your finances.
• Using financial earnings to shame or belittle you.
• Controlling how you earn money.
• Refusing to allow you to earn.

Physical violence

Physical abuse is (sadly) common, and what we traditionally think of when we think of an abusive partner. When our spouse or significant other engages in this, they might hit us, kick us, or otherwise threaten us and those we love with physical violence or harm. They don’t always have to hit you, they just have to make sure the threat is always there.

Example:

• Hitting, smacking, biting or kicking.
• Using the threat of physical abuse to control you.
• Breaking or smashing items during conflict.
• Threatening pets and loved ones.

Sexual coercion

One of the most evil and insidious forms of abuse is that of sexual abuse. Whether you are married, or in a casual relationship, sexual abuse and coercion is very real. If your partner forces you to engage in sex acts against your will, or they pressure you and otherwise hold your relationship (and emotions) against you.

Example:

• Forcing you into sexual acts against your will.
• Using violence or shame to elicit sexual acts.
• Manipulating you through sexual gratification or promises.

Why we fall for abusive partners.

So, why do we fall for partners that hurt us in so many ways? From toxic normalization to projection and idealization — the way we choose to see someone isn’t always as simple as it seems.

Normalized by society

Often, toxic and abusive behavior is normalized by our society. For example, in some societies women are encouraged to engage in emotional manipulation in order to get what they want from their partners. Meanwhile, in those same societies, macho, aggressive, and controlling behaviors can also be encouraged in the opposing mainstream gender. When we come to see these toxic dynamics as “normal” we look past them and settle for dangerous people who want to take advantage of us.

Over-the-top charm

One of the most common reasons that we fall for the ploy of abusers is that (by definition) abusers are charming people — always. They have to be, otherwise they wouldn’t be able to exert power; no one would tolerate their behavior or allow them to stay around with their toxic personality. It’s a crucial part of the abuse cycle. Once they’ve lashed out and made you afraid, they beguile you and bring you back to them with charm before you have a chance to run away.

Financial insecurity

Financial abuse is still abuse, though we often don’t think about it in the normal real of relationships. When we find ourselves tempted by the financial security, an abusive partner can offer, we then become trapped by our dependence on that financial security. Knowing they have us stuck between a rock and a hard place, the abuser will then ramp up their behavior, with the knowledge that to leave would be financially impossible for you.

Savior complexes

It’s not always about an abusive partner’s manipulation when it comes to these toxic relationships. Sometimes, that partner works hard to expel the victim. The victim, however, may think they can “fix” or “heal” their abusers by simply staying around and “loving them enough”. This isn’t possible, however, as it is impossible to change anyone else. We can only change and save ourselves. Savior complexes are a trap you set for yourself.

Fear of saying no

While some abusive partners keep their more insidious behaviors under wraps until it’s too late (i.e. moving in together, getting married, having children) others where their abuse out in the open. This can create an air of fear early on and make it impossible for you to leave — even if you want to. You might worry about what happens if you turn them down, or turn them out. You might worry for your safety, or the safety of others if you don’t “take one for the team” (example: “If he’s not hitting me, he’ll hit someone else.”)

Poor past examples

Did you grow up in an abusive or dysfunctional home? Did you watch your parents perpetuate the same toxic cycles and patterns you’re re-enacting now? Were you regularly the victim of abuse, belittlement, or degradation? The examples that are set for us in childhood are crucial. When you grow up with this type of toxic environment normalized, you come to accept that same environment in your future romantic relationships.

Non-existent self esteem

Do you struggle with low self-esteem? Do you look down on your body or your personality? Do you truly believe that you’re out of time, or that you have to settle for anyone that will agree to it? Battling low self-esteem is serious. The lower your opinion on self, the easier it is to accept abusive treatment. In order to find your way back to happiness, you have to boost your self-confidence and find a way to accept that you are worthy and deserving of everything that you want in this life.

Projection and idealization

When you insist on seeing someone as something other than what they truly are, you are often engaging in the practices of projection and idealization. Perhaps you refuse to see their abusive nature and idealize their personality in order to carry on with your rose-tinted vision. Likewise, you might have such a specific vision of a relationship (or partner) that you project your own internal desires and foibles all over the abuser — masking their true face.

How to avoid falling in love with an abuser.

You don’t have to stay stuck in these abusive patterns forever. You can learn how to retrain the way you see yourself and your relationships, in order to thrive in future partnerships you build. By falling in love with yourself and focusing on the future that you want, you can make major transformations.

1. Fall in love with yourself

More often than not, we find ourselves falling for abusers because we’ve never bothered to fall in love with ourselves. The more alienated we remain from this self-love, the lower our self-esteem becomes and the easier we are manipulated. When you love yourself, you respect yourself — and that leaves little room for people who manipulate, abusive, or otherwise try to take your future vision from you.

Instead of looking for love in other people, start looking for it from within. First, identify those parts of yourself which you love (both physical and mental). Focus on those aspects and allow it to increase your courage and your self-worth. The more firm you become in these truths, the easier it becomes to embrace your flaws.

Open your arms to the person that is you. Lift up that inner child and that authentic sense of self and value them over the opinions and machinations of anyone else. How can we possibly build a relationship around love if we don’t love ourselves? How can we possibly know love if we’ve never first practiced it in and on ourselves? If you want to stop falling in love with abusers, fall in love with yourself.

2. Build up your self-esteem

Self-esteem is so crucial when it comes to protecting ourselves against the advances of abusive people. Whether you’re dealing with a romantic partner, a family member, or even a co-worker — our self-esteem provides the armor which deflects the worst of their attacks. More than just having a little confidence, our self-esteem provides us with the courage and ability to navigate asserting ourselves and our needs the right way.

Get your head out of the relationship-chase for a minute and focus on building up who you are instead. In order to have a happy and successful partnership, you need to be the best possible version of yourself. You can’t do that until you believe in yourself and the things you know you want from your life.

Start small. Every day, start the morning by writing down 3 things you do well. Then, at the end of the day — write down 3 things you did well that day / challenges you tackled. The more often you start and stop your day on this tone, the more confident you will become in yourself. It’s a simple way to start and an easy way to grow a practice of boosting your self-esteem.

3. Let go of your emotional baggage

Our emotional baggage is a heavy weight, which can pull down our quality of life and the quality of our relationships. When we move through life holding on to the pain and traumas of our past, it forces us to relive cycles of dysfunction which make it impossible to thrive. By committing the healing ourselves and letting go of these past hurts, we can revitalize our partnerships and learn how to transform our perspective on relationships and love.

Think of your emotional baggage like a sack full of bricks. Every pain from your past is a brick that you carry around, and when someone gets too close, you put them together in the shape of a wall. When you hold on to all this darkness, you have no choice but to form relationships that are unhealthy and unequal.

Start letting it go. All of that pain that was cased by your family and your past loves…let it go. Reach out to friends and trusted family. Find a mental health or trauma specialist you can trust. However you do it, find a way to look backward and identify those past pain points that are forcing you to reenact your trauma with abusers who destroy your life. You will never find resolution through ignoring the past. You will find it by letting go of your emotional baggage, though.

4. Establish undeniable independence

So many abusers take advantage of the low moments of our lives. They pick us up at our weakest and provide stability and security that can be lacking both emotionally and financially. The problem here, though, is that this “rescue” is actually a clever trick. It’s mean to make you dependent on them, and therefore less able to escape their clutches once their personality turns diabolical.

In order to avoid this trap, it’s crucial to establish undeniable independence for yourself. This means having your own money, your own living arrangements; you need to have your own life and your own circle of friends and loved ones. Too many people stay with abusers because they have none of these things as a means of escape.

Never rely on someone else for what you are perfectly able of providing for yourself. No matter what your education level, or your social standing — you can find a way to get the things that you want. You are strong enough, smart enough, skilled enough, and resilient enough to manifest anything you want in this life through conscious, direct action. Embrace that and look to add a partner to your life as a compliment…not a meal ticket.

5. Re-prioritize your life

Abusers take advantage of people with no direction and no priorities. When you don’t know who you are, what you want, or where you’re going — abusers step in make those choices for you. These choices, however, are never in your best interest. They are always in theirs. Want a life that’s authentically yours? Free of abuse and pain? Figure out what matters most in this life and what you want from your future.

The clearer your vision is for the future, the harder it becomes for an abuser to take advantage of you. Sit down and spend a few minutes each day focusing on your ideal life. What do you want from your career? Your family? Where do you want to live and what quality of life do you want?

Get crystal clear on what makes you happy right down in your core. When it’s your last moment on this earth, what accomplishments will allow you to feel calm and at peace? Focus on those things, pursue them, and the right partner will come into your life at the right time. Chase people, or love, blindly and you’re bound to run into trouble. Be clear on the future you want and the kind of partner who can truly enjoy that experience with you.

Putting it all together…

If you have fallen in love with an abuser, you’re not alone. Many of us have fallen into the trap of an abusive partner, despite the warning signs that were staring us in the face. Why? There are a number of reasons we find ourselves in the clutches of abusive partners. The greater our understanding of these reasons becomes, the better equipped we become to safeguard ourselves against their attachment to our lives.

Fall in love with yourself. The more in love you are with the skin that you’re in, the harder it becomes to settle for someone who demeans or belittles you. Cultivate an undeniable sense of self-esteem. Abusers take advantage because we allow them to, usually because we have no sense of self-worth. Let go of your emotional baggage and the pain from your past that keeps encouraging you to go back to the same old abusive patterns. You deserve to be happy, wanted and loved. Establish undeniable independence and make it impossible for anyone to trap you under their glass. The more stable you are on your own, the more stable partners you will attract. Re-prioritize your life. Is romantic love really the end-all and be all to your happiness? Put love in its place and you will find partners who compliment your joy.